I feel an overwhelming sadness

IMG_0803It’s day 2 of no contact.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t heard from Faith, it means I haven’t responded.

I am starting to feel a terrible sadness inside. Do I really have to stop contact for him to find his way? Will it help him? Is this what I must do?

There are no guides  –

If  A doesn’t work then resort to B. If all else fails switch off and re-boot.

It has given me some much needed peace. And I am important, I work bloody hard, full time, elderly parents that also need and deserve my time and attention.

He has called twice, first time I’m at work and it’s easy to ignore, still more accusations left on my answerphone. Then again when he knows I am home and he sounds more sober. This is the first one that starts I love you mum, I want us to have a relationship, please call me. That’s harder to ignore, but I have, and I will today.

Maybe tomorrow I will send him a message telling him I will only speak to him when he is sober. I will not answer his calls until I can hear in his voice he is.

I’m really not sure if this is protection for me, or as I have read, what I must do for him to be at that place where he wants recovery beyond all else.

I always thought having children was a learning curve that you learn as you go. I didn’t realise that it went on into their adulthood. One thing I have learnt and I am absolutely certain about is, there are no rules, ever! You do what you think is right at the time, maybe you will fuck up occasionally, but one message I would always pass on to my children is “go by your gut feeling, and if you are told that it is wrong, and you still feel your way is the right way then just do it” Don’t be afraid….

As I am tonight.

Thats why I am thinking tomorrow I will send a message to him.

“I will speak to you again, but only when you are sober”

I would love a few responses from you peeps that have found sobriety, how would you feel receiving this message? how did you feel?

Sending out love

 

 

 

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I’m back……… how I wish I wasn’t

Hello my friends

How I wish I wasn’t back here writing about the life I lead with an alcoholic son.

Why can I not write a nice upbeat blog about family’s, you know, day to day funny things and sometimes difficult things that happen?

I did start another blog. It’s all about positivity and how I am going to change my life for the better, I was so very determined.

I haven’t been back writing there for a while either.

So to explain, I took this blog off from view of the public because I had pointed my son towards the many useful blogs on here of recovering addicts. I found their blogs so inspiring and learnt so much from them, I thought he could too.

But I’ve come to realise that he’s not going to read them, and won’t find links to my blog, so although as I said I wish I wasn’t back here writing, in another way I am glad.

I know there are other family’s out there in my situation and it helps to write, to share, to get a response from people. Because the harsh reality is in real life, friends, colleagues, family, try to understand, want to listen a little, but they just don’t get it, don’t understand why, after so many years of dealing with Faiths alcoholism and its consequences I’m still there for him, in the background now, but there, I can never totally walk away.

So this is a quick post, at the moment my life is so very busy, I will write more and fill you in on what has been happening, there has been a lot, but tonight I just want to reach out again to my followers on here and say “hey, we are both still here and alive, surviving, getting by, let me know how you have been”

I should be cooking dinner, I will be in trouble, but, I’m so very glad I’m back blogging 👍

PS. Sorry I’ve not had time for pictures or checking my spelling etc, I just wanted to get this out there, and this is me.

 

please-help-me-chores-hand-666101

And so the never-ending circle goes on.

I’ve left him alone, tried to forget, not called.

Then the phone rings and its him. I’m sorry I can’t do this on my own, I have tried, I know you have so much going on I don’t want to do this to you but I have tried and I just can’t stop on my own, Please can I come back to yours.

What do I say, this isn’t a drunk just asking for a roof over his head, this is my son saying I want to stop but I cant on my own, I need your help.

But I still have my Al Anon voice talking to me saying he has to find his own way of doing this. But I know his buddy is now out of the picture for 2 weeks, he had already  lost a stone in weight again even before this last bout.

So Faith is back, shut in his bedroom, he doesn’t come out when he is going through this, just for water, he is too sick to eat and to shaky to hold a plate. I’m worried and allow him a small glass of wine (breaking my own rules) but that is it, I know even that will prolong symptoms, but he shakes so much he can’t sleep and I need sleep.

He gets through the night, I can hear his distress through the walls but try to shut it out.

Another 24 hours and he has eaten a little. The sickness has stopped, The shaking is not so violent. He is starting to sound a little like himself now.

He suffers with nerve pain now. This is something that has gradually been worsening, he describes it as someone pricking his body with needles. This I can deal with, it does make me angry that the people whose care he is under say he should not be suffering withdrawal as he has such short bouts of drinking now, so needs no medication to help him through.

Well I wish they would spend one night in his shoes or mine and then tell me that.

Tonight I will sleep, his sleep will be broken but then he has nothing to do all day tomorrow but lie in his bed.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week, first time I have ever asked for help, this is really draining me

I miss my daughter dreadfully at the moment. I would normally share with her, but as she is on the other side of the world I don’t like to worry her.

At least tonight Faith is sober. That is my positive for the day.

Placebo effect?

faith placebo

Another busy day, how I long for a day off without some drama.
My lovely son seems OK, we have had a chat, it appears the new tablets could be working, or it could be the placebo effect.
He called me to tell me last night he had a drink.
He had 3 beers but then instead of his thirst for alcohol increasing, he got a thirst for water.
Oh how I would love to believe this. I think he believes this so I should be happy. I am worried its the placebo effect. He believes the tablets he is taking are taking away the feel good benefits of alcohol so that’s why he stopped drinking. Great! fantastic! A cure has been found! I have learnt not to get too excited.
I’m now worried he thinks he can drink sociably. I know this can never happen.

But he did stop drinking and he has been good all day.

Oh what a shame I’ve visited my mum today and she seemed very confused. Not her normal very with it herself.

I am very concerned, something has happened in her body to cause this.
111 called and an over the phone consultation.
No immediate cause for concern but they will assess her tomorrow.

Never seems a day without some concerns.
My positive on today is faith is believing in his new medication and today he is sober.

Self belief and confidence

self esteem

Saturday, love it, no work!

My elderly parents often visit on a Saturday morning, its their little trip out. Faith called, “are they coming over? OK I will come round” Good news, he’s feeling well and wants to see his grandparents.

My partner was working in the garden on the summer-house and I was a little concerned as he is still recovering from a hip replacement op. I messaged Faith to ask if he could help if he was coming over…….. big mistake!

I had forgotten that he can’t deal with changes to plans or unexpected things happening.

Now he would have to change, he had made an effort to be smart for his grandparents, he didn’t know what to do, total panic. I wished I hadn’t suggested it, but I knew if he did help he would get just a little bit of self-worth.

in the end after many messages he walks in, smiles at his grandparents like all is wonderful with the world.

I’m pleased he got over his panic and made it over. I take my parents out and leave him to help with the summer-house roof repairs.

When we return he is eating lunch and smiling. For once he got over his fear of failure and did something constructive and got something back.

I drop him home and thank him. He comments that he indeed was needed and was happy to help.

This is what he needs everyday, maybe then he will start believing in himself. I certainly do.

Good day and bad days, love and let go

letting goIts been a quiet day, met Faith tonight briefly after work, he seems Ok, and as he is OK he’s back to being concerned about his body and health. He’s checked out the new tablets prescribed by doctor, all the pros and cons benefits and side affects. How can someone this concerned about health. poison their body with alcohol?

That is I guess addiction.

He was a fitness instructor. He knows all about health fitness and the body. Too much I think sometimes.

How I love this son of mine and I am learning to love him on these good days and let the others just go.

Reason to stay sober

I’ve been reading lots, I came across a comment that seemed to ring home as so true.

Faith seems to be in this never-ending circle, recovering, sober for a while then back on it, This seemed to say what I’m guessing he feels, Last time he was sober he did say, “I get sober. go through all that, but nothing changes”.

Day eight was harder for him than day one and two. At day’s one and two he had a reason to stay sober. At day eight he was hating life, himself, me, and sobriety.

Tonight he’s good, in his own home, sober and OK, only just OK but OK, I wish he would look and find these inspirational words, I am still learning, I am like a sponge, I want as much information as possible. I feel I am more qualified than his buddy, maybe a change of career for me is what I need to do, who knows.