Ssssshhhhhh……. I only dare whisper this……. 6 weeks sober

That’s it! After my last blog when I was feeling so sad, yet another hospital admission with his eyes and face the colour of spring daffodils.

I was hoping they would keep Faith in for the promised 2 week detox but he was out in 5 days. So I assumed it wouldn’t be long before he was drinking again

But then it was three weeks, and I was going on holiday for two weeks. In the past me going on holiday has seemed to be a trigger for him, I cannot remember the last time I went away without getting a desperate phone call or message.

This time he messaged but they were all positive. I worried when he didn’t reply to my messages, thinking the worst, but each time he proved me wrong.

And now suddenly, he’s somehow got to 6 weeks, his longest time sober other than when he has been in rehab.

I’m still holding my breath, I know he is different this time I’ve seen it coming, a gradual change in him, and I knew he wanted to do this, I just didn’t think he was strong enough

Oh you mother of little Faith, he is doing it, but I know its such early early days, and he’s getting support but not as much as I would like, it’s there, he just needs to reach out a little more.

But there is one humungus black cloud, one that is making his journey so much harder. His girlfriend is still drinking and still in denial. The hospital have told him he must tell her to get help for his sake, but she refuses and its of course causing arguments.

He called me last night, she was there, he wanted her to talk to me, to try and explain he needed her to do this, but she refused to talk to me. Not that it would have made any difference.

I try to explain to him that this is how alcoholics behave, he understands but it’s really the first time he’s seeing it from the other side.

I pray it helps him stay strong, but I am no fool or novice in this, I know a recovering alcoholic cannot be around others that drink and stay sober.

I know he is struggling, so I’m asking you guys that might read my blog that have walked in his shoes how best I can support him.

He’s trying so hard so climb this mountain.

That’s why I dare only whisper x

Update….. Before I posted this, I wanted to put on a pretty picture you know.

But, I didn’t have time, the whisper was heard.

He made 6 weeks, I am so very proud of him for doing that. He was faced with an impossible situation.

At least he openly told me. Now he’s not answering his phone x

I love you Faith no matter what x

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Happy Mothers Day

IMG_2093Yep so that was another great mother’s day!

I recently wrote a very quick update,   I think it’s time to explain a little more.

To be honest very little has changed with Faith, he’s still in the drinking until he gets sick then has to go to hospital, gets a few days treatment then is sent on his way, usually with the words of wisdom from the doctor “drink in small amounts as needed” well we all know what that means to an alcoholic!

Much more has changed in my life. After a lovely holiday back in October I came home and phoned my elderly parents to check they were OK. “Well your mum’s legs aren’t working” what do you mean, her legs aren’t working? Put her on the phone. When she spoke to me I could hardly understand her,  she was mumbling and slurring her speech. “Dad dial 999, mum’s had a stroke, I will be right over”

And so began a very sad time for me. She was in hospital a week before the family was called and it was suggested all support should be withdrawn, she died peacefully within the hour.

During this week in November Faith was also in hospital, because he had been so sick including having fits he was kept in long enough for a complete detox. He came out in time to see his nan, she knew he was there, he was always her favourite grandson. I wondered how he would cope with her death, as it happened it gave him a reason to stay sober.  He wanted to attend her funeral and I made it clear I didn’t want him there if he was drinking. So started his longest period of sobriety since his last admission to rehab.

I focused on my dad, he was just broken, losing the love of his life, they had been together 63 years. At 90 years old he was amazingly fit and well. But this just killed him, literally.

We spent a very quiet Christmas with him. It actually was OK, as my mum had become housebound he only left the house himself once a week to do the grocery shop. I think he actually enjoyed spending time with us, my younger son bonded again with his grandad.

We were invited to spend the new year holiday with my best friend. She was concerned about me and felt I needed a break. I worried about leaving my dad but left instructions with my two brothers to call and to visit him.

The first thing I did when I returned home was call dad to arrange to take him food shopping the next day. He seemed OK.

The next day he wasn’t answering his phone,  neither were either of my brothers as I thought they might have taken him out.

I started to get a bad feeling, and when we pulled into his road and saw the blinds closed, I knew.

I found him on the kitchen floor, he had been cooking his dinner the night before.

And so within 5 and a half weeks I was organising another funeral.

I should mention that Faith had managed a month sober, he even got through Christmas, but with his girlfriend drinking I knew it wouldn’t last. So by the time I lost dad he was back drinking. But that was the longest period he had been sober by just willpower alone and with no back up. I was hopeful seeing the reality of death had changed his outlook.

I have to say this was a pretty dark time for me. Understandably of course, but I was also feeling that I was accepting the reality that I had lost my daughter to Australia. She is my only child who I think will give me grandchildren  and when she does they will be on the other side of the world.

So to Mothers Day, you know that day when you should feel proud and blessed. And this year, the first without my mum was going to be hard I knew  but then maybe it was my time to be spoilt, I have three adult children after all. But I knew it wouldn’t be like that, and it wasn’t

I had arranged to take my mum’s bed and freezer over to Faith. I knew he was in a bad way, his girlfriend had just been in hospital and he doesn’t seem to cope on his own.

When we turned up his girlfriend answered the door but there was no sign of Faith, then she told me he was in hospital, he’d had three fits then another two in hospital. He went in yesterday but they hadn’t told me. Happy Mothers day!

But hey come on  you have two other children, surely you weren’t such a bad mum that they wouldn’t bother! To be fair on my daughter she did phone me  and that’s a rare treat, we get on really well but the difference in hours plus our working hours makes it difficult.

And then at 5pm I walk into my kitchen and there is a card. I smile through the tears  it’s written by my youngest from all 3 of them. I know who is behind it, my daughter will have told my youngest son to get down the shop and buy mum a card.

It’s just a day,  why should it matter so much? I think it’s the affirmation as to whether you’ve done a good job as a mum or not. I decided to stop looking at FB and all the lovely photos and mother daughter/son comments.

I still love my three to the moon and back. I just wish they hadn’t all been dealt such I don’t know what to call it .. I guess difficult lives, with battles to fight

That is one thing I know my three children have, compassion and understanding for others that suffer

So, I love writing my blogs, they are so therapeutic. I have realised whilst writing this, I have three individual adult children that probably between them have more sympathy and empathy for other suffering humans than a lot of other friends children do.

It might not be what I wished for them, but it’s not such a bad thing

So happy mothers day to every mum out there. Your children’s lives might not have turned out the way you planned in your head the day they were born, but be thankful for everything they learn along lives pathway.

I’ve had an unsettling update from Faith since writing this but that will have to wait or I will never finish writing.

Stay strong and have Faith x

 

 

I feel an overwhelming sadness

IMG_0803It’s day 2 of no contact.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t heard from Faith, it means I haven’t responded.

I am starting to feel a terrible sadness inside. Do I really have to stop contact for him to find his way? Will it help him? Is this what I must do?

There are no guides  –

If  A doesn’t work then resort to B. If all else fails switch off and re-boot.

It has given me some much needed peace. And I am important, I work bloody hard, full time, elderly parents that also need and deserve my time and attention.

He has called twice, first time I’m at work and it’s easy to ignore, still more accusations left on my answerphone. Then again when he knows I am home and he sounds more sober. This is the first one that starts I love you mum, I want us to have a relationship, please call me. That’s harder to ignore, but I have, and I will today.

Maybe tomorrow I will send him a message telling him I will only speak to him when he is sober. I will not answer his calls until I can hear in his voice he is.

I’m really not sure if this is protection for me, or as I have read, what I must do for him to be at that place where he wants recovery beyond all else.

I always thought having children was a learning curve that you learn as you go. I didn’t realise that it went on into their adulthood. One thing I have learnt and I am absolutely certain about is, there are no rules, ever! You do what you think is right at the time, maybe you will fuck up occasionally, but one message I would always pass on to my children is “go by your gut feeling, and if you are told that it is wrong, and you still feel your way is the right way then just do it” Don’t be afraid….

As I am tonight.

Thats why I am thinking tomorrow I will send a message to him.

“I will speak to you again, but only when you are sober”

I would love a few responses from you peeps that have found sobriety, how would you feel receiving this message? how did you feel?

Sending out love

 

 

 

I’m back……… how I wish I wasn’t

Hello my friends

How I wish I wasn’t back here writing about the life I lead with an alcoholic son.

Why can I not write a nice upbeat blog about family’s, you know, day to day funny things and sometimes difficult things that happen?

I did start another blog. It’s all about positivity and how I am going to change my life for the better, I was so very determined.

I haven’t been back writing there for a while either.

So to explain, I took this blog off from view of the public because I had pointed my son towards the many useful blogs on here of recovering addicts. I found their blogs so inspiring and learnt so much from them, I thought he could too.

But I’ve come to realise that he’s not going to read them, and won’t find links to my blog, so although as I said I wish I wasn’t back here writing, in another way I am glad.

I know there are other family’s out there in my situation and it helps to write, to share, to get a response from people. Because the harsh reality is in real life, friends, colleagues, family, try to understand, want to listen a little, but they just don’t get it, don’t understand why, after so many years of dealing with Faiths alcoholism and its consequences I’m still there for him, in the background now, but there, I can never totally walk away.

So this is a quick post, at the moment my life is so very busy, I will write more and fill you in on what has been happening, there has been a lot, but tonight I just want to reach out again to my followers on here and say “hey, we are both still here and alive, surviving, getting by, let me know how you have been”

I should be cooking dinner, I will be in trouble, but, I’m so very glad I’m back blogging 👍

PS. Sorry I’ve not had time for pictures or checking my spelling etc, I just wanted to get this out there, and this is me.

 

please-help-me-chores-hand-666101

And so the never-ending circle goes on.

I’ve left him alone, tried to forget, not called.

Then the phone rings and its him. I’m sorry I can’t do this on my own, I have tried, I know you have so much going on I don’t want to do this to you but I have tried and I just can’t stop on my own, Please can I come back to yours.

What do I say, this isn’t a drunk just asking for a roof over his head, this is my son saying I want to stop but I cant on my own, I need your help.

But I still have my Al Anon voice talking to me saying he has to find his own way of doing this. But I know his buddy is now out of the picture for 2 weeks, he had already  lost a stone in weight again even before this last bout.

So Faith is back, shut in his bedroom, he doesn’t come out when he is going through this, just for water, he is too sick to eat and to shaky to hold a plate. I’m worried and allow him a small glass of wine (breaking my own rules) but that is it, I know even that will prolong symptoms, but he shakes so much he can’t sleep and I need sleep.

He gets through the night, I can hear his distress through the walls but try to shut it out.

Another 24 hours and he has eaten a little. The sickness has stopped, The shaking is not so violent. He is starting to sound a little like himself now.

He suffers with nerve pain now. This is something that has gradually been worsening, he describes it as someone pricking his body with needles. This I can deal with, it does make me angry that the people whose care he is under say he should not be suffering withdrawal as he has such short bouts of drinking now, so needs no medication to help him through.

Well I wish they would spend one night in his shoes or mine and then tell me that.

Tonight I will sleep, his sleep will be broken but then he has nothing to do all day tomorrow but lie in his bed.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week, first time I have ever asked for help, this is really draining me

I miss my daughter dreadfully at the moment. I would normally share with her, but as she is on the other side of the world I don’t like to worry her.

At least tonight Faith is sober. That is my positive for the day.

Placebo effect?

faith placebo

Another busy day, how I long for a day off without some drama.
My lovely son seems OK, we have had a chat, it appears the new tablets could be working, or it could be the placebo effect.
He called me to tell me last night he had a drink.
He had 3 beers but then instead of his thirst for alcohol increasing, he got a thirst for water.
Oh how I would love to believe this. I think he believes this so I should be happy. I am worried its the placebo effect. He believes the tablets he is taking are taking away the feel good benefits of alcohol so that’s why he stopped drinking. Great! fantastic! A cure has been found! I have learnt not to get too excited.
I’m now worried he thinks he can drink sociably. I know this can never happen.

But he did stop drinking and he has been good all day.

Oh what a shame I’ve visited my mum today and she seemed very confused. Not her normal very with it herself.

I am very concerned, something has happened in her body to cause this.
111 called and an over the phone consultation.
No immediate cause for concern but they will assess her tomorrow.

Never seems a day without some concerns.
My positive on today is faith is believing in his new medication and today he is sober.

Self belief and confidence

self esteem

Saturday, love it, no work!

My elderly parents often visit on a Saturday morning, its their little trip out. Faith called, “are they coming over? OK I will come round” Good news, he’s feeling well and wants to see his grandparents.

My partner was working in the garden on the summer-house and I was a little concerned as he is still recovering from a hip replacement op. I messaged Faith to ask if he could help if he was coming over…….. big mistake!

I had forgotten that he can’t deal with changes to plans or unexpected things happening.

Now he would have to change, he had made an effort to be smart for his grandparents, he didn’t know what to do, total panic. I wished I hadn’t suggested it, but I knew if he did help he would get just a little bit of self-worth.

in the end after many messages he walks in, smiles at his grandparents like all is wonderful with the world.

I’m pleased he got over his panic and made it over. I take my parents out and leave him to help with the summer-house roof repairs.

When we return he is eating lunch and smiling. For once he got over his fear of failure and did something constructive and got something back.

I drop him home and thank him. He comments that he indeed was needed and was happy to help.

This is what he needs everyday, maybe then he will start believing in himself. I certainly do.