When and how will this end?

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I go to sleep at night feeling sick, I wake feeling sick, work takes away the sickness for a while. Maybe this is what Alanon means by telling us we are sick?

So the latest in my sons chaotic life is he is about to be made homeless, and I won’t invite him to stay in my warm cosy house, for my sanity, for my partnership, for his I hope, dignity and chance to get over this disease.

Have you any idea how hard that is to do? With the weather we are experiencing I can’t think about him living on the streets, he’s so vulnerable, but I can’t, just can’t have him back with me, it won’t help him, that’s if he survives. What a choice to have to make, tough love at its very hardest.

So how has he found himself in this situation? Alcohol of course is the real reason but so is his smarter, clever manipulating girlfriend.

They were given notice to leave the flat they share, the flat I helped my son get into, the flat he took her into when she had nowhere to go.

That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. But she, to be fair got looking for a place for them to move to, she was the driving force as she treats Faith like a child and unable to make decisions.

At this time Faith was 2 weeks sober, she was still drinking, yes in their flat, she is a what you could call functioning alcoholic although unable to hold a job down long term. Faith is an all or nothing alcoholic, He constantly asked her to support him and stop drinking, but she didn’t think she needed to.

I knew this was a dead end relationship, two alcoholics cannot live together and survive.

So they found a nicer place than they have now, their own bathroom ūüõĀ, bigger and brighter, all positives for Faith to stay sober for. But her drinking got to him and the inevitable happened. So now Faith is on a binge, no point trying to talk to him or reason with him, I will just wait until the drinking ends, which it will do.

But in the mean time while he has been drinking, his girlfriend has told him she can’t deal with his drinking anymore! She doesn’t want to be with him, which has sent him into more of a downward cycle, with hospital admissions, police involved as he was threatening to take his life. No physical help, just discharged from hospital to go home and drink again as he cant cope.

She has told him their new home is now in her name as she has come into money due to her divorce, she doesn’t want him there. That now leaves him with less than 2 weeks to find somewhere to live, while on benefits that she has controlled, so god knows where he stands with that. A hopeless task to find somewhere in that time, and I can’t even start to help him while he continues to drink.

I have no idea where he has found the money to buy alcohol as she controls all the money, maybe she has planned this, I wouldn’t be surprised.

So the last few days I have just been waiting, waiting for the time he stops drinking and I can speak to him “Faith” my son, again.

Thats why I have been feeling sick, every moment. Thank god I have found mindfulness, it helps me sleep when my head is full and my heart is breaking.

And this evening is the time, he’s stopped, whether it’s because he’s not physically able to get to the shop or the money has finally gone I don’t know, but tonight I spoke to a sick sober Faith.

Now I have to try not to thing about the agony his body is going through, hoping his girlfriend will call the ambulance when it’s needed as he’s fitting. I’ve been through this so many many times, this time is a little different though, I don’t know if he is physically and mentally strong enough to get through it.

I am helpless, as he is, over this disease.

I can only pray, and ask for your prayers, that somehow he gets through this, the homelessness will be another mountain for him to climb.

I need to find a positive quote to put in here….. I’ve found it

 

It’s been a while

IMG_7793Just a quick update really.

I guess it’s positive that I’ve not been needing to write down my feelings, but I think that could be a mixture of an improvement in Faiths world and me making a definite effort to get my mind and life in a calmer place.

For me, I have started a mindfulness course, well started and finished as it was only for 5 weeks. I loved it. I loved being allowed to have that me time, time to just stop that chatter in my head, time to just stop. Stop thinking, analysing, worrying, trying to sort the worlds problems, just to relax. I can’t recommend it enough.

I try to do a bit at home when I can. I have found it helps when I cant sleep.

It has also reintroduced me to yoga, a class followed on from the mindefullness , I thought I was too old and stiff, but it is such a relaxing class, and at the end we get 10 more minutes of blissful relaxation, with warm lavender pillows to cover our eyes, the stretching is worth that 10 minutes.

And so to Faith. Things are better. Because it seems he fits when he drinks now rather than when he stops. So when he drinks now it’s for shorter periods, he has more time sober than drunk now, which is an absolute positive.

He has put on weight, gained in confidence, enough to start going for interviews for jobs. I don’t think he is ready for that but when he tells me he has a second interview I have to respond positively. And now he has been offered a job. Nearly four weeks sober, a miracle for him.

He should have been ecstatic when he phoned me to tell me, but he actually forgot to tell me, because he was drinking.

Ive had the reasons or excuses. His girlfriend continues to drink, she seems to manage her drinking where as Faith can’t, he is either totally drinking or totally abstaining. I can only guide him, he has to make his own decisions.

Whether he will be able to get himself sober and in the right place before he starts this new job, his first job in over four years at least, I don’t know.

Today his dad, my x husband had an accident, they think at the moment it was caused possibly by a heart attack, he is OK but in hospital. I give Faith positive comments, he is worried about his dad, another reason to drink. If he only knew, him being sober would be the best medicine for his dad.

He has remarried so I am out of the loop shall we say. But my other son has given me information I can pass to Faith. I don’t want him stressing about his dad, he cannot cope with stress.

So, a positive post in that Faith is a lot healthier than he has been in a long time due to longer periods of sobriety. I have found a way to help me cope with his drinking and the sadness in my heart.

But tonight he is drinking.

If anyone would like to pray for him to help him, to help him along his troubled road I would be grateful.

I have got used to just waiting and seeing what will happen.

I don’t hold out much hope about the job, but who knows……

I will let you know.

In the time I have taken to write this, Faith has called in secret from his bathroom. His girlfriend lost her job today, they found alcohol on her. She wants sympathy, he is struggling to give it while drinking himself. He has promised to see the doctor tomorrow to get something to help ease withdrawal symptoms when he stops drinking.

We shall see.

Sending love to anyone else struggling with this disease, either themselves or a loved one.

 

Letting go for both our sakes

 

For the first time ever I believed he and his girlfriend were sober together at the same time. I probably didn’t question it as much as I should have.

I revelled in having sober conversations with Faith, he seemed to be enjoying it also even though he was in pain. He reconnected with his sister living in Australia. he asked for help to get to AA meetings. I told him to enjoy all the positives of being sober.  I delivered food.  And a tumble dryer, my mums, up until then he had not been able to think straight enough to work out where he could put it.

I thought, really thought, this time, he cannot get alcohol, so he will have no choice but to stay sober, at least for a while.

I am not stupid, I think I know my son well enough by now, well I thought I did, to know when he has had a drink, be it only 1 ( well it never is only one is it) . I would deny it to myself sometimes, but in my heart I knew.

So how the f… did I miss this one, I just don’t understand, I can’t understand. So….

Yesterday Faith had an appointment the hospital fracture clinic due to his last escapade. I thought it strange it wasn’t as the hospital he was admitted to but didn’t really think too much into it. It turned out they were actually more concerned about his liver than his broken bones. But he was fitted with better fitting “boots” and as far as I could make out, sent on his way.

Today his girlfriend called me at work to tell me he had been admitted to hospital.

What? Why? what has he done now?

He had 4 fits during the night then another big one this morning, he didn’t want to me to call an ambulance but I had to.

Why? Has he been drinking? Yes. What? For how long? Since he came out of hospital last time? Yes. How can that be, he has been sober when I spoke to him, this doesn’t add up.

How the hell has he got alcohol? He can’t walk? He got 3 bottles of cider at the shop.

None of this is adding up in my mind. I can’t talk to him his phone is off, only his girlfriend to give me information. They an doing ECG on him, they are not concerned about his mental state. From what she was telling me he will be discharged tonight.

I did eventually get to speak to him, I asked what the hell was going on, he just wanted to tell me he was going to be discharged but didn’t know how he would get home.

I told him that was his problem, if he could get out to get alcohol he could get home.

Once again I am feeling so disappointed, my fault, I should have learnt by now.

But I couldn’t help but just call him. He’s home, so I could ask him the question, how and when did you start drinking. I didn’t ¬†want to, that’s why I went cold turkey last time, yes, so why and how did you start drinking again.? The only way is if she bought you alcohol? If she loved you and wasn’t drinking herself she wouldn’t do that? She wants you to drink so she can.

I have left him with that, telling him, he has to make some decisions. I’m angry, so angry with her, not with Faith although he has again chosen to drink. I thought this was a chance for both of them, I was so ready to support them.

Now I just feel empty, sad, he’s going to die, and she’s helping him along the way.

I have tried so many times to walk away from this.

Maybe this is the time I need to do it again for him and for me.

Laughter in the face of adversity

IMG_6895Well not a lot has changed since I last wrote, but a fair bit has happened.

I’m going to share with you what I think has been Faiths most ummmm most traumatic, strange, sad yet funny moment yet. This has to be anonymous, otherwise I could not share, you will understand why.

He has been drinking, no shock there! But wanting to stop. I’m sure you will know by now there is no where you can go and say OK I want to stop drinking , can you help me. It doesn’t work like that.

So he went cold turkey. Thank god I didn’t know, he didn’t tell me and as he had been drinking I hadn’t been in regular contact with him, I try to step back when he is.

So when he phoned me last week to “catch up” I was surprised to hear him sober and even more surprised when he told me he had been sober for a week. ¬†I was like “what? How did that happen? When? How did I miss this? He thought I knew.

The even more surprising (OK I didn’t believed him) news was that his partner was also sober. How on earth did I miss this?

Where have I been? Normally if he was detoxing on his own I would be going through it with him, the sickness, everything else that is so awful when someone addicted to alcohol just stops drinking. What no fits and paramedics?

Anyway, somehow he got through it and I didn’t have to go through the pain with him. Bloody wonderful and wonderous.

Isnt that just great? Yes to good to be true. Thursday last week he called me, I was at work.

Hang on a moment Faith let me get somewhere more private

“This is my goodbye call mum, I’m going to die”

Sorry Faith, what did you say?

“I am going to die mum, my veins are joining up, they told me I am going to die, my skin is falling off, they are crawling out of my skin”

OK Faith, don’t panic, do you remember when you detox your brain does odd things, you see things that aren’t real, please believe me, I am your mum, this is your brain playing tricks on you, you are fine. None of this is real even though you think it is.

“you don’t believe me , I will send you a video, you will see all these creatures on my skin”

Faith sent me a video of a very shaky but plain hand.

Its fine, I can’t see anything, please believe me.

I noticed from the video that he was down the beach, I was concerned he would go into the water to wash off the creatures. So I told him to go home, I thought he would be safer.

He agreed he would go home, I went back to work but kept trying to call him, but he didn’t answer.

5pm, I’m about to leave work , I get a call from his girlfriend.

“Please I need your help, Faith has jumped from the bathroom window, the first responders are here, I need to go to hospital with him but I have no money to get home on the bus, can you help me”

OK, here we go again……

It appears he jumped naked from the bathroom window, after stripping off, because his clothes were full of these creature

Of course, I sent money, if she goes it means I don’t have to.

So he was in hospital for a few days, not many, the Psych team were supposed to see him but they were busy, obviously jumping naked from your bathroom window is not a major trauma.

So now he is back home with “boots” on both feet as he has broken, bruised or whatever to his feet.

You know what that means? He can’t walk to the shop and buy alcohol? Hallel bloody ujah. Sorry if I offend anyone.

And I can laugh with him, about the fact that he could have been stuck, half in, half out, completely naked, of his bathroom window.

I can laugh with him about the fact that he was completely naked on a Thursday afternoon outside his flat refusing to put his pants on because they were full of creatures..

I can laugh with him because today he is sober and that is all that matters.

And you can understand why this has to be completely unanimous.

His dignity, the little he has, needs to be protected .

So hopefully this is a spell of sobriety, but I know isolation and depression will set in, I will try to help him, when he is sober I will do whatever I can to support him.

Sober and depressed is to me a million times better than him being under the influence.

Bye for now….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ssssshhhhhh……. I only dare whisper this……. 6 weeks sober

That’s it! After my last blog when I was feeling so sad, yet another hospital admission with his eyes and face the colour of spring daffodils.

I was hoping they would keep Faith in for the promised 2 week detox but he was out in 5 days. So I assumed it wouldn’t be long before he was drinking again

But then it was three weeks, and I was going on holiday for two weeks. In the past me going on holiday has seemed to be a trigger for him, I cannot remember the last time I went away without getting a desperate phone call or message.

This time he messaged but they were all positive. I worried when he didn’t reply to my messages, thinking the worst, but each time he proved me wrong.

And now suddenly, he’s somehow got to 6 weeks, his longest time sober other than when he has been in rehab.

I’m still holding my breath, I know he is different this time I’ve seen it coming, a gradual change in him, and I knew he wanted to do this, I just didn’t think he was strong enough

Oh you mother of little Faith, he is doing it, but I know its such early early days, and he’s getting support but not as much as I would like, it’s there, he just needs to reach out a little more.

But there is one humungus black cloud, one that is making his journey so much harder. His girlfriend is still drinking and still in denial. The hospital have told him he must tell her to get help for his sake, but she refuses and its of course causing arguments.

He called me last night, she was there, he wanted her to talk to me, to try and explain he needed her to do this, but she refused to talk to me. Not that it would have made any difference.

I try to explain to him that this is how alcoholics behave, he understands but it’s really the first time he’s seeing it from the other side.

I pray it helps him stay strong, but I am no fool or novice in this, I know a recovering alcoholic cannot be around others that drink and stay sober.

I know he is struggling, so I’m asking you guys that might read my blog that have walked in his shoes how best I can support him.

He’s trying so hard so climb this mountain.

That’s why I dare only whisper x

Update….. Before I posted this, I wanted to put on a pretty picture you know.

But, I didn’t have time, the whisper was heard.

He made 6 weeks, I am so very proud of him for doing that. He was faced with an impossible situation.

At least he openly told me. Now he’s not answering his phone x

I love you Faith no matter what x

Happy Mothers Day

IMG_2093Yep so that was another great mother’s day!

I recently wrote a very quick update,¬† ¬†I think it’s time to explain a little more.

To be honest very little has changed with Faith, he’s still in the drinking until he gets sick then has to go to hospital, gets a few days treatment then is sent on his way, usually with the words of wisdom from the doctor “drink in small amounts as needed” well we all know what that means to an alcoholic!

Much more has changed in my life. After a lovely holiday back in October I came home and phoned my elderly parents to check they were OK. “Well your mum’s legs aren’t working” what do you mean, her legs aren’t working? Put her on the phone. When she spoke to me I could hardly understand her,¬† she was mumbling and slurring her speech. “Dad dial 999, mum’s had a stroke, I will be right over”

And so began a very sad time for me. She was in hospital a week before the family was called and it was suggested all support should be withdrawn, she died peacefully within the hour.

During this week in November Faith was also in hospital, because he had been so sick including having fits he was kept in long enough for a complete detox. He came out in time to see his nan, she knew he was there, he was always her favourite grandson. I wondered how he would cope with her death, as it happened it gave him a reason to stay sober.¬† He wanted to attend her funeral and I made it clear I didn’t want him there if he was drinking. So started his longest period of sobriety since his last admission to rehab.

I focused on my dad, he was just broken, losing the love of his life, they had been together 63 years. At 90 years old he was amazingly fit and well. But this just killed him, literally.

We spent a very quiet Christmas with him. It actually was OK, as my mum had become housebound he only left the house himself once a week to do the grocery shop. I think he actually enjoyed spending time with us, my younger son bonded again with his grandad.

We were invited to spend the new year holiday with my best friend. She was concerned about me and felt I needed a break. I worried about leaving my dad but left instructions with my two brothers to call and to visit him.

The first thing I did when I returned home was call dad to arrange to take him food shopping the next day. He seemed OK.

The next day he wasn’t answering his phone,¬† neither were either of my brothers as I thought they might have taken him out.

I started to get a bad feeling, and when we pulled into his road and saw the blinds closed, I knew.

I found him on the kitchen floor, he had been cooking his dinner the night before.

And so within 5 and a half weeks I was organising another funeral.

I should mention that Faith had managed a month sober, he even got through Christmas, but with his girlfriend drinking I knew it wouldn’t last. So by the time I lost dad he was back drinking. But that was the longest period he had been sober by just willpower alone and with no back up. I was hopeful seeing the reality of death had changed his outlook.

I have to say this was a pretty dark time for me. Understandably of course, but I was also feeling that I was accepting the reality that I had lost my daughter to Australia. She is my only child who I think will give me grandchildren  and when she does they will be on the other side of the world.

So to Mothers Day, you know that day when you should feel proud and blessed. And this year, the first without my mum was going to be hard I knew¬† but then maybe it was my time to be spoilt, I have three adult children after all. But I knew it wouldn’t be like that, and it wasn’t

I had arranged to take my mum’s¬†bed and freezer over to Faith. I knew he was in a bad way, his girlfriend had just been in hospital and he doesn’t seem to cope on his own.

When we turned up his girlfriend answered the door but there was no sign of Faith, then she told me he was in hospital, he’d had three fits then another two in hospital. He went in yesterday but they hadn’t told me. Happy Mothers day!

But hey come on¬† you have two other children, surely you weren’t such a bad mum that they wouldn’t bother! To be fair on my daughter she did phone me¬† and that’s a rare treat, we get on really well but the difference in hours plus our working hours makes it difficult.

And then at 5pm I walk into my kitchen and there is a card. I smile through the tears¬† it’s written by my youngest from all 3 of them. I know who is behind it, my daughter will have told my youngest son to get down the shop and buy mum a card.

It’s just a day,¬† why should it matter so much? I think it’s the affirmation as to whether you’ve done a good job as a mum or not. I decided to stop looking at FB and all the lovely photos and mother daughter/son comments.

I still love my three to the moon and back. I just wish they hadn’t all been dealt such I don’t know what to call it .. I guess difficult lives, with battles to fight

That is one thing I know my three children have, compassion and understanding for others that suffer

So, I love writing my blogs, they are so therapeutic. I have realised whilst writing this, I have three individual adult children that probably between them have more sympathy and empathy for other suffering humans than a lot of other friends children do.

It might not be what I wished for them, but it’s not such a bad thing

So happy mothers day to every mum out there. Your children’s lives might not have turned out the way you planned in your head the day they were born, but be thankful for everything they learn along lives pathway.

I’ve had an unsettling update from Faith since writing this but that will have to wait or I will never finish writing.

Stay strong and have Faith x

 

 

I feel an overwhelming sadness

IMG_0803It’s day 2 of no contact.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t heard from Faith, it means I haven’t responded.

I am starting to feel a terrible sadness inside. Do I really have to stop contact for him to find his way? Will it help him? Is this what I must do?

There are no guides ¬†–

If ¬†A doesn’t work then resort to B. If all else fails switch off and re-boot.

It has given me some much needed peace. And I am important, I work bloody hard, full time, elderly parents that also need and deserve my time and attention.

He has called twice, first time I’m at work and it’s easy to ignore, still more accusations left on my answerphone. Then again when he knows I am home and he sounds more sober. This is the first one that starts I love you mum, I want us to have a relationship, please call me. That’s harder to ignore, but I have, and I will today.

Maybe tomorrow I will send him a message telling him I will only speak to him when he is sober. I will not answer his calls until I can hear in his voice he is.

I’m really not sure if this is protection for me, or as I have read, what I must do for him to be at that place where he wants recovery beyond all else.

I always thought having children was a learning curve that you learn as you go. I didn’t realise that it went on into their adulthood. One thing I have learnt and I am absolutely certain about is, there are no rules, ever! You do what you think is right at the time, maybe you will fuck up occasionally, but one message I would always pass on to my children is “go by your gut feeling, and if you are told that it is wrong, and you still feel your way is the right way then just do it” Don’t be afraid….

As I am tonight.

Thats why I am thinking tomorrow I will send a message to him.

“I will speak to you again, but only when you are sober”

I would love a few responses from you peeps that have found sobriety, how would you feel receiving this message? how did you feel?

Sending out love

 

 

 

I’m back……… how I wish I wasn’t

Hello my friends

How I wish I wasn’t back here writing about the life I lead with an alcoholic son.

Why can I not write a nice upbeat blog about family’s, you know, day to day funny things and sometimes difficult things that happen?

I did start another blog. It’s all about positivity and how I am going to change my life for the better, I was so very determined.

I haven’t been back writing there for a while either.

So to explain, I took this blog off from view of the public because I had pointed my son towards the many useful blogs on here of recovering addicts. I found their blogs so inspiring and learnt so much from them, I thought he could too.

But I’ve come to realise that he’s not going to read them, and won’t find links to my blog, so although as I said I wish I wasn’t back here writing, in another way I am glad.

I know there are other family’s out there in my situation and it helps to write, to share, to get a response from people. Because the harsh reality is in real life, friends, colleagues, family, try to understand, want to listen a little, but they just don’t get it, don’t understand why, after so many years of dealing with Faiths alcoholism and its consequences I’m still there for him, in the background now, but there, I can never totally walk away.

So this is a quick post, at the moment my life is so very busy, I will write more and fill you in on what has been happening, there has been a lot, but tonight I just want to reach out again to my followers on here and say “hey, we are both still here and alive, surviving, getting by, let me know how you have been”

I should be cooking dinner, I will be in trouble, but, I’m so very glad I’m back blogging ūüĎć

PS. Sorry I’ve not had time for pictures or checking my spelling etc, I just wanted to get this out there, and this is me.

 

please-help-me-chores-hand-666101

And so the never-ending circle goes on.

I’ve left him alone, tried to forget, not called.

Then the phone rings and its him. I’m sorry I can’t do this on my own, I have tried, I know you have so much going on I don’t want to do this to you but I have tried and I just can’t stop on my own, Please can I come back to yours.

What do I say, this isn’t a drunk just asking for a roof over his head, this is my son saying I want to stop but I cant on my own, I need your help.

But I still have my Al Anon voice talking to me saying he has to find his own way of doing this. But I know his buddy is now out of the picture for 2 weeks, he had already  lost a stone in weight again even before this last bout.

So Faith is¬†back, shut in his bedroom, he doesn’t come out when he is going through this, just for water, he is¬†too sick to eat and to shaky to hold a plate. I’m worried and allow him a small glass of wine (breaking my own rules) but that is it, I know even that will prolong symptoms, but he shakes so much he can’t sleep and I need sleep.

He gets through the night, I can hear his distress through the walls but try to shut it out.

Another 24 hours and he has eaten a little. The sickness has stopped, The shaking is not so violent. He is starting to sound a little like himself now.

He suffers with nerve pain now. This is something that has gradually been worsening, he describes it as someone pricking his body with needles. This I can deal with, it does make me angry that the people whose care he is under say he should not be suffering withdrawal as he has such short bouts of drinking now, so needs no medication to help him through.

Well I wish they would spend one night in his shoes or mine and then tell me that.

Tonight I will sleep, his sleep will be broken but then he has nothing to do all day tomorrow but lie in his bed.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week, first time I have ever asked for help, this is really draining me

I miss my daughter dreadfully at the moment. I would¬†normally¬†share with her, but as she is on the other side of the world I don’t like to worry her.

At least tonight Faith is sober. That is my positive for the day.

Placebo effect?

faith placebo

Another busy day, how I long for a day off without some drama.
My lovely son seems OK, we have had a chat, it appears the new tablets could be working, or it could be the placebo effect.
He called me to tell me last night he had a drink.
He had 3 beers but then instead of his thirst for alcohol increasing, he got a thirst for water.
Oh how I would love to believe this. I think he believes this so I should be happy.¬†I am¬†worried its the placebo effect. He believes the tablets he is taking are taking away the feel good benefits of alcohol so that’s why he stopped drinking. Great! fantastic! A cure has been found! I have learnt not to get too excited.
I’m now worried he thinks he can drink sociably. I know this can never happen.

But he did stop drinking and he has been good all day.

Oh what a shame I’ve visited my mum today and she seemed very confused. Not her normal very with it herself.

I am very concerned, something has happened in her body to cause this.
111 called and an over the phone consultation.
No immediate cause for concern but they will assess her tomorrow.

Never seems a day without some concerns.
My positive on today is faith is believing in his new medication and today he is sober.