A very brief update

Oh, it’s been a while. This is a very brief post. So much has happened in my life since I last wrote a post.

I am still here, Faith is still here and I thank the lord for that. I have had losses, my heart has been broken and my time has been taken over by other life issues.

But life goes on, Faith is still drinking but it seems things have changed, I will tell all in a later post.

But tonight I just wanted to reconnect, say Hi and I will be back very soon. X

When and how will this end?

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I go to sleep at night feeling sick, I wake feeling sick, work takes away the sickness for a while. Maybe this is what Alanon means by telling us we are sick?

So the latest in my sons chaotic life is he is about to be made homeless, and I won’t invite him to stay in my warm cosy house, for my sanity, for my partnership, for his I hope, dignity and chance to get over this disease.

Have you any idea how hard that is to do? With the weather we are experiencing I can’t think about him living on the streets, he’s so vulnerable, but I can’t, just can’t have him back with me, it won’t help him, that’s if he survives. What a choice to have to make, tough love at its very hardest.

So how has he found himself in this situation? Alcohol of course is the real reason but so is his smarter, clever manipulating girlfriend.

They were given notice to leave the flat they share, the flat I helped my son get into, the flat he took her into when she had nowhere to go.

That was about 3 or 4 weeks ago. But she, to be fair got looking for a place for them to move to, she was the driving force as she treats Faith like a child and unable to make decisions.

At this time Faith was 2 weeks sober, she was still drinking, yes in their flat, she is a what you could call functioning alcoholic although unable to hold a job down long term. Faith is an all or nothing alcoholic, He constantly asked her to support him and stop drinking, but she didn’t think she needed to.

I knew this was a dead end relationship, two alcoholics cannot live together and survive.

So they found a nicer place than they have now, their own bathroom 🛁, bigger and brighter, all positives for Faith to stay sober for. But her drinking got to him and the inevitable happened. So now Faith is on a binge, no point trying to talk to him or reason with him, I will just wait until the drinking ends, which it will do.

But in the mean time while he has been drinking, his girlfriend has told him she can’t deal with his drinking anymore! She doesn’t want to be with him, which has sent him into more of a downward cycle, with hospital admissions, police involved as he was threatening to take his life. No physical help, just discharged from hospital to go home and drink again as he cant cope.

She has told him their new home is now in her name as she has come into money due to her divorce, she doesn’t want him there. That now leaves him with less than 2 weeks to find somewhere to live, while on benefits that she has controlled, so god knows where he stands with that. A hopeless task to find somewhere in that time, and I can’t even start to help him while he continues to drink.

I have no idea where he has found the money to buy alcohol as she controls all the money, maybe she has planned this, I wouldn’t be surprised.

So the last few days I have just been waiting, waiting for the time he stops drinking and I can speak to him “Faith” my son, again.

Thats why I have been feeling sick, every moment. Thank god I have found mindfulness, it helps me sleep when my head is full and my heart is breaking.

And this evening is the time, he’s stopped, whether it’s because he’s not physically able to get to the shop or the money has finally gone I don’t know, but tonight I spoke to a sick sober Faith.

Now I have to try not to thing about the agony his body is going through, hoping his girlfriend will call the ambulance when it’s needed as he’s fitting. I’ve been through this so many many times, this time is a little different though, I don’t know if he is physically and mentally strong enough to get through it.

I am helpless, as he is, over this disease.

I can only pray, and ask for your prayers, that somehow he gets through this, the homelessness will be another mountain for him to climb.

I need to find a positive quote to put in here….. I’ve found it

 

Does an alcoholic ever register the real pain they have inflicted

IMG_8386Gosh it’s been a while since I sat and wrote down my feelings.

There always seems to be something or someone needing my time, the summer has been busy, more work commitments which I won’t even start to go into, I work full time and have been given more responsibilities, which at 60 to be honest I don’t really want, but it did mean more money, so….. as I seem to help the world out financially (OK slight exaggeration) but it does feel like it sometimes, I’m a soft touch I know, I said yes.

It’s not been an easy summer but I have been lucky enough to celebrate my special birthday a few times and I have been spoilt by friends and more especially my partners children and family. They have spoilt me and rejoiced with me like I would love my family to do. I get so much love from them, but it just makes my family’s lack of it more obvious. Not that it is my family’s fault, my daughter did come back from Australia for a week which was amazing but was so rushed with everyone to see, my younger son is just awkward with himself and doesn’t have the confidence to arrange things, and then there is Faith, which of course is who this blog is really about.

I don’t know how to explain where he is on his journey now, it’s such an up and downer, probably just easier to jump to how he is right now.

Three weeks ago he was admitted to hospital after another bout of drinking. This is the pattern now, he cannot sustain drinking for a long period, a positive.

While he was in hospital the liver specialist came to see him (he had an appointment but missed it) It seems as a result of that visit it was arranged that he could start a day release rehab which he was really happy about. I do believe at the moment he wants to get better. And he started, and he loved it, a week in and he was so positive being able to talk to people that understood him, making new sober buddies, he was smiling and happy and positive again.

And then…..there is always something, his new phone contract which he had sorted out with his drinking partner whilst he was drinking and which should have halved his payments was rejected by his bank as it was over £100. Need I say any more, he is incapable of dealing with stressful situations without drinking. Although I told him I would help him sort it, it was already too late, and with a partner who still drinks the inevitable happened.

That was a week ago and he has been back in hospital, but cannot go back to the rehab until he has had a period of abstaining, which so far isn’t happening.

That week he was sober we had all the “I’ve been told by experts that it just won’t work living with an active alcoholic, I’m going to do something about it, I have to change my life” which I had known was true for ages but, to hear it from Faith really gave me hope, false hope once again.

Today I took him some vegetables from the garden, he was drunk when he came out to the car, and those were his first words, “Yes I’m drunk” which is good in a way, as we at least have an open honest relationship, but he knows now he can’t lie to me anyway. I just gave him the veg and said OK, call me when you are sober, I refuse to speak to him when he is drinking now, I don’t like that person as I’m sure he doesn’t, it seems the easiest solution.

So now I sit and wait, for the phone call to say he is in hospital or the sober call.

But I don’t just sit and wait, I have to get on with my life, so tomorrow it’s back to all this extra stress and responsibilities, guess I should be grateful they think I am still capable.

OK, that was written a week ago, I didn’t get to post it. Faith is still drinking, my heart is breaking, do recovered alcoholics ever get to realise the real pain they caused? This pain I feel is so real, and I am powerless to stop it.

It’s been a while

IMG_7793Just a quick update really.

I guess it’s positive that I’ve not been needing to write down my feelings, but I think that could be a mixture of an improvement in Faiths world and me making a definite effort to get my mind and life in a calmer place.

For me, I have started a mindfulness course, well started and finished as it was only for 5 weeks. I loved it. I loved being allowed to have that me time, time to just stop that chatter in my head, time to just stop. Stop thinking, analysing, worrying, trying to sort the worlds problems, just to relax. I can’t recommend it enough.

I try to do a bit at home when I can. I have found it helps when I cant sleep.

It has also reintroduced me to yoga, a class followed on from the mindefullness , I thought I was too old and stiff, but it is such a relaxing class, and at the end we get 10 more minutes of blissful relaxation, with warm lavender pillows to cover our eyes, the stretching is worth that 10 minutes.

And so to Faith. Things are better. Because it seems he fits when he drinks now rather than when he stops. So when he drinks now it’s for shorter periods, he has more time sober than drunk now, which is an absolute positive.

He has put on weight, gained in confidence, enough to start going for interviews for jobs. I don’t think he is ready for that but when he tells me he has a second interview I have to respond positively. And now he has been offered a job. Nearly four weeks sober, a miracle for him.

He should have been ecstatic when he phoned me to tell me, but he actually forgot to tell me, because he was drinking.

Ive had the reasons or excuses. His girlfriend continues to drink, she seems to manage her drinking where as Faith can’t, he is either totally drinking or totally abstaining. I can only guide him, he has to make his own decisions.

Whether he will be able to get himself sober and in the right place before he starts this new job, his first job in over four years at least, I don’t know.

Today his dad, my x husband had an accident, they think at the moment it was caused possibly by a heart attack, he is OK but in hospital. I give Faith positive comments, he is worried about his dad, another reason to drink. If he only knew, him being sober would be the best medicine for his dad.

He has remarried so I am out of the loop shall we say. But my other son has given me information I can pass to Faith. I don’t want him stressing about his dad, he cannot cope with stress.

So, a positive post in that Faith is a lot healthier than he has been in a long time due to longer periods of sobriety. I have found a way to help me cope with his drinking and the sadness in my heart.

But tonight he is drinking.

If anyone would like to pray for him to help him, to help him along his troubled road I would be grateful.

I have got used to just waiting and seeing what will happen.

I don’t hold out much hope about the job, but who knows……

I will let you know.

In the time I have taken to write this, Faith has called in secret from his bathroom. His girlfriend lost her job today, they found alcohol on her. She wants sympathy, he is struggling to give it while drinking himself. He has promised to see the doctor tomorrow to get something to help ease withdrawal symptoms when he stops drinking.

We shall see.

Sending love to anyone else struggling with this disease, either themselves or a loved one.

 

Letting go for both our sakes

 

For the first time ever I believed he and his girlfriend were sober together at the same time. I probably didn’t question it as much as I should have.

I revelled in having sober conversations with Faith, he seemed to be enjoying it also even though he was in pain. He reconnected with his sister living in Australia. he asked for help to get to AA meetings. I told him to enjoy all the positives of being sober.  I delivered food.  And a tumble dryer, my mums, up until then he had not been able to think straight enough to work out where he could put it.

I thought, really thought, this time, he cannot get alcohol, so he will have no choice but to stay sober, at least for a while.

I am not stupid, I think I know my son well enough by now, well I thought I did, to know when he has had a drink, be it only 1 ( well it never is only one is it) . I would deny it to myself sometimes, but in my heart I knew.

So how the f… did I miss this one, I just don’t understand, I can’t understand. So….

Yesterday Faith had an appointment the hospital fracture clinic due to his last escapade. I thought it strange it wasn’t as the hospital he was admitted to but didn’t really think too much into it. It turned out they were actually more concerned about his liver than his broken bones. But he was fitted with better fitting “boots” and as far as I could make out, sent on his way.

Today his girlfriend called me at work to tell me he had been admitted to hospital.

What? Why? what has he done now?

He had 4 fits during the night then another big one this morning, he didn’t want to me to call an ambulance but I had to.

Why? Has he been drinking? Yes. What? For how long? Since he came out of hospital last time? Yes. How can that be, he has been sober when I spoke to him, this doesn’t add up.

How the hell has he got alcohol? He can’t walk? He got 3 bottles of cider at the shop.

None of this is adding up in my mind. I can’t talk to him his phone is off, only his girlfriend to give me information. They an doing ECG on him, they are not concerned about his mental state. From what she was telling me he will be discharged tonight.

I did eventually get to speak to him, I asked what the hell was going on, he just wanted to tell me he was going to be discharged but didn’t know how he would get home.

I told him that was his problem, if he could get out to get alcohol he could get home.

Once again I am feeling so disappointed, my fault, I should have learnt by now.

But I couldn’t help but just call him. He’s home, so I could ask him the question, how and when did you start drinking. I didn’t  want to, that’s why I went cold turkey last time, yes, so why and how did you start drinking again.? The only way is if she bought you alcohol? If she loved you and wasn’t drinking herself she wouldn’t do that? She wants you to drink so she can.

I have left him with that, telling him, he has to make some decisions. I’m angry, so angry with her, not with Faith although he has again chosen to drink. I thought this was a chance for both of them, I was so ready to support them.

Now I just feel empty, sad, he’s going to die, and she’s helping him along the way.

I have tried so many times to walk away from this.

Maybe this is the time I need to do it again for him and for me.

Laughter in the face of adversity

IMG_6895Well not a lot has changed since I last wrote, but a fair bit has happened.

I’m going to share with you what I think has been Faiths most ummmm most traumatic, strange, sad yet funny moment yet. This has to be anonymous, otherwise I could not share, you will understand why.

He has been drinking, no shock there! But wanting to stop. I’m sure you will know by now there is no where you can go and say OK I want to stop drinking , can you help me. It doesn’t work like that.

So he went cold turkey. Thank god I didn’t know, he didn’t tell me and as he had been drinking I hadn’t been in regular contact with him, I try to step back when he is.

So when he phoned me last week to “catch up” I was surprised to hear him sober and even more surprised when he told me he had been sober for a week.  I was like “what? How did that happen? When? How did I miss this? He thought I knew.

The even more surprising (OK I didn’t believed him) news was that his partner was also sober. How on earth did I miss this?

Where have I been? Normally if he was detoxing on his own I would be going through it with him, the sickness, everything else that is so awful when someone addicted to alcohol just stops drinking. What no fits and paramedics?

Anyway, somehow he got through it and I didn’t have to go through the pain with him. Bloody wonderful and wonderous.

Isnt that just great? Yes to good to be true. Thursday last week he called me, I was at work.

Hang on a moment Faith let me get somewhere more private

“This is my goodbye call mum, I’m going to die”

Sorry Faith, what did you say?

“I am going to die mum, my veins are joining up, they told me I am going to die, my skin is falling off, they are crawling out of my skin”

OK Faith, don’t panic, do you remember when you detox your brain does odd things, you see things that aren’t real, please believe me, I am your mum, this is your brain playing tricks on you, you are fine. None of this is real even though you think it is.

“you don’t believe me , I will send you a video, you will see all these creatures on my skin”

Faith sent me a video of a very shaky but plain hand.

Its fine, I can’t see anything, please believe me.

I noticed from the video that he was down the beach, I was concerned he would go into the water to wash off the creatures. So I told him to go home, I thought he would be safer.

He agreed he would go home, I went back to work but kept trying to call him, but he didn’t answer.

5pm, I’m about to leave work , I get a call from his girlfriend.

“Please I need your help, Faith has jumped from the bathroom window, the first responders are here, I need to go to hospital with him but I have no money to get home on the bus, can you help me”

OK, here we go again……

It appears he jumped naked from the bathroom window, after stripping off, because his clothes were full of these creature

Of course, I sent money, if she goes it means I don’t have to.

So he was in hospital for a few days, not many, the Psych team were supposed to see him but they were busy, obviously jumping naked from your bathroom window is not a major trauma.

So now he is back home with “boots” on both feet as he has broken, bruised or whatever to his feet.

You know what that means? He can’t walk to the shop and buy alcohol? Hallel bloody ujah. Sorry if I offend anyone.

And I can laugh with him, about the fact that he could have been stuck, half in, half out, completely naked, of his bathroom window.

I can laugh with him about the fact that he was completely naked on a Thursday afternoon outside his flat refusing to put his pants on because they were full of creatures..

I can laugh with him because today he is sober and that is all that matters.

And you can understand why this has to be completely unanimous.

His dignity, the little he has, needs to be protected .

So hopefully this is a spell of sobriety, but I know isolation and depression will set in, I will try to help him, when he is sober I will do whatever I can to support him.

Sober and depressed is to me a million times better than him being under the influence.

Bye for now….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tears keep falling…..

IMG_0987Weddings and funerals are emotional times. I seem to be having my fair share lately and my emotions are all over the place.

Losing both my parents so close together over the Christmas period was rather traumatic, I think I just went into automatic for a while.

My two brothers and I needed a bit of time to decide what we wanted to do with their ashes but it was decided their wedding anniversary would be the perfect date.

Unfortunately that wasn’t until September so there has been a good while in between.

Agreeing the date was easy enough but the location has been more difficult. I came up with a suggestion and put it forward. Neither brother seemed that interested and time went on. As the date came closer I asked them for suggestions. One brother was not happy with my idea as it was nearer to my home than his, but still could not suggest an alternative.

The date was fast approaching and arrangements needed to be made and family informed so I pre booked where I thought was a lovely peaceful place, told both brothers that it was booked but not set in stone, it could be changed but a decision needed making.

One brother said he was quite happy, in his eyes their ashes did not mean a lot to him and as long as they were together he did not mind where their last resting place was.

The other brother said I could do what I wanted, but he was finally in a good place and did not want to deal with all the upset again.

I should I guess mention that there is no great bond between any of us, the brother that did not want to attend had caused upset before both their funerals, the two brothers do not speak, I have been the person in-between. Neither did a great deal for my parents when they were alive. I was not surprised when he decided he would not be attending.

It did shock and upset me when he approached the undertaker to ask for some ashes as the whole point I thought had been reuniting them. But it was agreed he could have some.

So arrangements were made for Tuesday last week. But the weekend before I received a shocking rude message from the brother who was attending, partner. I can honestly say it really was unexpected, and totally shook me. She accused me of being manipulative and not listening to what my brother wanted and a lot of other things which totally floored me. I had constantly asked for both their ideas and thoughts.

You me might be wondering why I am writing about this on my blog about my life with an alcoholic son. One of the reasons I stated for wanting to lay my parents to rest where I suggested was I believe I will be at some point also laying Faith to rest and I would want him to be with his grandparents.

This was also brought up in the message, I was accused of using that to get my own way. Apparently my brother also wanted some ashes to do what he wanted with. He never ever mentioned that he had other ideas. I was so so upset. I cried all weekend. This was the brother I thought was happy with the arrangements. I might as well add Faith is drinking again and I think it just all became too much, I was sick of being the strong one, the one that got on and made the necessary arrangements, had to put a brave face on. I think it was the first time I had really cried, I cried because I wanted to talk to my mum, I wanted someone to tell me it would be OK. I replied to her message politely as I always do, asking her to get my brother to call as arrangements would need to be made quickly. (He wouldn’t answer my calls)

I eventually spoke to him Monday morning, I think he wanted to talk to me away from his partner. He played everything down, he was happy with the arrangements. I asked him if he wanted some ashes, he stated no, they should be together but I asked again, if he wanted some he had to say now. He eventually agreed he would like some, I personally think it was his partners wishes. So I called the undertaker again and asked for more ashes to be put aside.

At this point I was hoping there is not an after life, I would hate to think my parents were watching this.

I had to leave work early, I kept crying. Then that evening, the night before the internment I had the call saying Faith was missing, he was drinking, he had taken a Stanley knife, he was threatening to take his own life. He wouldn’t answer his phone.

This is when I handed him over to my higher power. I could deal with nothing more. My instincts told me he wasn’t ready to leave this world yet, I just had to pray and believe he would be OK.

I heard nothing, he was still missing the next day. I just had to put that aside and deal    with the day. Which I did. I very nearly lost it when my brother turned up late and said his partner was not coming because her dog was sick. OK I think you might just get what was going through my head, how the hell I did not scream out loud that my son was missing but I was there I honestly don’t know. Well actually I do, it was respect for my parents and my two aunts that where there.

It wasn’t until later, after everything was done that I heard Faith was OK, the police had put him in a cell for his own safety. The reason all that happened is another ongoing story. Which I will share soon.

I started writing this because I have just returned from my best friends sons wedding. What a fantastic happy celebration. He has such a lovely family and a fantastic group of friends as has his beautiful wife. But I cried, I cried when I first saw him, I cried when I saw her, I cried when they said their vows, made their speeches, danced their first dance, and when I said goodbye to them. I think I bawled my way through their entire wedding, happy tears though.

This is bit of a shock to me, I don’t cry, or rarely, maybe it’s what I need to do. I know part of the reason I cried is knowing I will never have this celebration with my son.

I hope I haven’t rambled on too much, as I have said before, my blog is my outlet, maybe writing all this down will let me move on and stop these tears from falling.

I will update you on Faith soon.

 

I should be happy but I’m very very frightened

IMG_66342 days, that’s all, 2 days and I will be flying off to the sun (although looking at the forecast I would be better staying here). I should be feeling excited, but I’m really really concerned for Faith, and he is sober!

After yet another emergency admission to hospital and a five day detox (the two week detox never happened) Faith is back out and living with his drinking girlfriend. But this hospital admission was different. In the past he has been warned he is at the point where his liver will develop cirrhosis if he continues to drink. This time he was told to forget that, he will go straight to liver failure.

Update update….. I started writing that a few weeks ago.

I went on holiday and oh my god he stayed sober for the time I was away. I think he actually made 5 nearly 6 weeks sober. But of course, living with another alcoholic eventually got to him.

He has been drinking for about two weeks now. Well he was until yet another hospital admission yesterday. (I so must start this chart of expenses to the NHS)

He was left in the corridor as they were busy where he had a major fit.

He had been admitted because he had been sick with fresh blood

They were thinking about taking him to resus because his heart ♥ was struggling. This is the third time now his body is starting to give up.

But, after yet another intrusive expensive camera down his throat, white blood cells  and vitamins into his veins he seems to have recovered.

Enough to apparently maybe go home tomorrow. But I know, 3 days? 3 days is not enough for him not to have the DT’s?

Surely they will not send him home saying “drink small amounts of alcohol”

All I know is he cannot go back to that flat with his drinking partner.

If he does will his next hospital admission be his last?

I am burying my parents ashes on the 11th September.

The plot is big enough for 4.

Please please god don’t let me be putting my son in there to join them 😭

I am running out of hope and things to say.

Life just seems to be on repeat with just a little more anxiety each time.

In fact I think for the first time in my life I am starting to have anxiety, awake in the night not being able to calm my racing mind. I guess I have done well up until now to be OK.

But what choice do I have, I still love Faith, I will until my last breath as any mother would. But, I am facing the facts that my last breath will be after his.

Sorry, a rather negative post, I guess that’s how I’m feeling right now.