I I had a bit of a meltdown last weekend.
I knew my birthday was looming, the last few birthdays I’ve felt the loss of not having my daughter around on my birthday. I don’t have a sister. My friends who have sisters always seem to have such lovely birthdays, it’s something women do isn’t it?
So I basically was feeling sorry for myself. My partner stepped in and booked a meal somewhere special.
I am so lucky to live in an amazing and beautiful part of the country. The hotel where he booked the table has amazing sunset views over the sea. It’s always been bit of a joke between us, we once went in just for a drink and he walked out as he wouldn’t pay the prices. So this really was a special treat.
Now, if you have been reading my blog you will know Faith is in hospital.
He called me while I was at work. I knew straight away his mind had gone again. So I listened to his talk of all sorts of imaginary events. I know he has no idea it’s my birthday so I don’t wait for, or be disappointed when he doesn’t wish me a happy birthday.
It’s a manic day at work. I’m covering colleagues who are on holiday. Whilst juggling my work, trying to get the important things done, in the back of my mind I’m thinking I should call his girlfriend and the hospital.
In my lunch break I call Hope, she doesn’t answer. Mmmm that’s odd she hasn’t returned any of my calls since Monday when Faith went into hospital.
Aaahhh but he did say he had the phone charger. Still odd. I thought she would have gone out and bought a new one.
I call the hospital twice. Can’t speak to anyone.
Back to the madness of work and I have no time to think about them.
When I eventually finish work, I worked late to try and catch up, I don’t have a lot of time before we need to go out, and we need to vote also, I call Faith. He is still totally out of it still. I can hear a nurse in the background telling another patient off. I ask if his girlfriend Hope is there, yes she’s here. “Can I speak to her, oh yes hang on, Oh I’m attached to a drip, I need to go and get her, He laughs “Ha ha, can you hear her? She is really loud and bossy, she’s trying to order everyone about” I know instantly she is not there. I tell him not to worry I will speak to her later. My house phone starts to ring. I tell Faith I will call him back.
When I pick up my house phone and hear Hopes mothers voice on the other end my heart sinks. She only ever calls when there is a problem, I know she’s going to say “have you heard anything from Hope” She does, and I want to cry. I know my evening has just gone how shall I say “tits up” .
Yes she’s concerned, she’s heard nothing from her since Monday, my heart is in free fall, I’ve been here before, then when she tells me they are in Wales on holiday I know this is going to be all down to me again. I am the only one with a key to their flat. The fact she has not been in to see Faith is extremely concerning, she just wouldn’t do that, for some crazy reason she seems to love him. My mind is working overtime, I can see her laying dead in their bed. I call the hospitals, last time she disappeared like this she was in hospital. No, she’s not been admitted anywhere. I feel sick, I call her mother back and tell her the news.
I also tell her it’s my birthday, I was just about to go out for my birthday meal, I will have to cancel it, there is no way in a million years I could go and eat my meal and enjoy it whilst thinking she could be laying unconscious or dead, this not being in contact with anyone for days is so out of character, she would have normally been keeping me updated with Faiths progress in hospital.
As you can understand she is devastated that I have to cancel my plans, And obviously very, very concerned about her daughter.
I tell my partner we will have to cancel the meal. He looks at me and shrugs. Here we are again, our lives being impacted again by the selfish alcoholics, I know that’s what he thinks. He’s right.
The journey takes 25 minutes. I ask my partner to please come in with me, I am so worried by what I might find.
As I walk into their room, there was no polite knocking, I am met by a very disheveled Hope. My immediate reaction is to hug her. Then, oh boy, does she get it. Like two barrels straight between the eyes, I am uncontrollable.
I get her mum on my phone so she can talk to her. I know the feeling of not knowing if they are OK.
She explains that she bought a cheap charger but it didn’t work, we try to get it working but I think she was right, we don’t manage to get the phone to turn on.
But I don’t stop, “you’ve had four days to get this working, you haven’t been to see Faith, what the hell have you been doing for four days?” The answer is obvious. The bed is stripped, she is shaking and slurring, uncomprehending, she offers a sorry… woah! Red rag to a bull, “sorry? Oh the explitatives that come out of my mouth, I tell her so many things that before I’ve not said. I don’t hold back.
We eventually leave, leaving her with strict instructions. I am yet again exhausted.
Now for my positive thoughts, yes I can find one. The birthday meal that was booked has amazing views when the weather is good. It was lashing down.
We found a really lovely authentic Greek restaurant that served us up the most amazing meal. The other restaurant can wait for a sunny day. So I get two birthday meals.
How can 24 hours make so much difference? Yesterday I was at war with the world.
As a mother of an alcoholic 