Letting go for both our sakes

 

For the first time ever I believed he and his girlfriend were sober together at the same time. I probably didn’t question it as much as I should have.

I revelled in having sober conversations with Faith, he seemed to be enjoying it also even though he was in pain. He reconnected with his sister living in Australia. he asked for help to get to AA meetings. I told him to enjoy all the positives of being sober.  I delivered food.  And a tumble dryer, my mums, up until then he had not been able to think straight enough to work out where he could put it.

I thought, really thought, this time, he cannot get alcohol, so he will have no choice but to stay sober, at least for a while.

I am not stupid, I think I know my son well enough by now, well I thought I did, to know when he has had a drink, be it only 1 ( well it never is only one is it) . I would deny it to myself sometimes, but in my heart I knew.

So how the f… did I miss this one, I just don’t understand, I can’t understand. So….

Yesterday Faith had an appointment the hospital fracture clinic due to his last escapade. I thought it strange it wasn’t as the hospital he was admitted to but didn’t really think too much into it. It turned out they were actually more concerned about his liver than his broken bones. But he was fitted with better fitting “boots” and as far as I could make out, sent on his way.

Today his girlfriend called me at work to tell me he had been admitted to hospital.

What? Why? what has he done now?

He had 4 fits during the night then another big one this morning, he didn’t want to me to call an ambulance but I had to.

Why? Has he been drinking? Yes. What? For how long? Since he came out of hospital last time? Yes. How can that be, he has been sober when I spoke to him, this doesn’t add up.

How the hell has he got alcohol? He can’t walk? He got 3 bottles of cider at the shop.

None of this is adding up in my mind. I can’t talk to him his phone is off, only his girlfriend to give me information. They an doing ECG on him, they are not concerned about his mental state. From what she was telling me he will be discharged tonight.

I did eventually get to speak to him, I asked what the hell was going on, he just wanted to tell me he was going to be discharged but didn’t know how he would get home.

I told him that was his problem, if he could get out to get alcohol he could get home.

Once again I am feeling so disappointed, my fault, I should have learnt by now.

But I couldn’t help but just call him. He’s home, so I could ask him the question, how and when did you start drinking. I didn’t  want to, that’s why I went cold turkey last time, yes, so why and how did you start drinking again.? The only way is if she bought you alcohol? If she loved you and wasn’t drinking herself she wouldn’t do that? She wants you to drink so she can.

I have left him with that, telling him, he has to make some decisions. I’m angry, so angry with her, not with Faith although he has again chosen to drink. I thought this was a chance for both of them, I was so ready to support them.

Now I just feel empty, sad, he’s going to die, and she’s helping him along the way.

I have tried so many times to walk away from this.

Maybe this is the time I need to do it again for him and for me.

Advertisement

Tears keep falling…..

IMG_0987Weddings and funerals are emotional times. I seem to be having my fair share lately and my emotions are all over the place.

Losing both my parents so close together over the Christmas period was rather traumatic, I think I just went into automatic for a while.

My two brothers and I needed a bit of time to decide what we wanted to do with their ashes but it was decided their wedding anniversary would be the perfect date.

Unfortunately that wasn’t until September so there has been a good while in between.

Agreeing the date was easy enough but the location has been more difficult. I came up with a suggestion and put it forward. Neither brother seemed that interested and time went on. As the date came closer I asked them for suggestions. One brother was not happy with my idea as it was nearer to my home than his, but still could not suggest an alternative.

The date was fast approaching and arrangements needed to be made and family informed so I pre booked where I thought was a lovely peaceful place, told both brothers that it was booked but not set in stone, it could be changed but a decision needed making.

One brother said he was quite happy, in his eyes their ashes did not mean a lot to him and as long as they were together he did not mind where their last resting place was.

The other brother said I could do what I wanted, but he was finally in a good place and did not want to deal with all the upset again.

I should I guess mention that there is no great bond between any of us, the brother that did not want to attend had caused upset before both their funerals, the two brothers do not speak, I have been the person in-between. Neither did a great deal for my parents when they were alive. I was not surprised when he decided he would not be attending.

It did shock and upset me when he approached the undertaker to ask for some ashes as the whole point I thought had been reuniting them. But it was agreed he could have some.

So arrangements were made for Tuesday last week. But the weekend before I received a shocking rude message from the brother who was attending, partner. I can honestly say it really was unexpected, and totally shook me. She accused me of being manipulative and not listening to what my brother wanted and a lot of other things which totally floored me. I had constantly asked for both their ideas and thoughts.

You me might be wondering why I am writing about this on my blog about my life with an alcoholic son. One of the reasons I stated for wanting to lay my parents to rest where I suggested was I believe I will be at some point also laying Faith to rest and I would want him to be with his grandparents.

This was also brought up in the message, I was accused of using that to get my own way. Apparently my brother also wanted some ashes to do what he wanted with. He never ever mentioned that he had other ideas. I was so so upset. I cried all weekend. This was the brother I thought was happy with the arrangements. I might as well add Faith is drinking again and I think it just all became too much, I was sick of being the strong one, the one that got on and made the necessary arrangements, had to put a brave face on. I think it was the first time I had really cried, I cried because I wanted to talk to my mum, I wanted someone to tell me it would be OK. I replied to her message politely as I always do, asking her to get my brother to call as arrangements would need to be made quickly. (He wouldn’t answer my calls)

I eventually spoke to him Monday morning, I think he wanted to talk to me away from his partner. He played everything down, he was happy with the arrangements. I asked him if he wanted some ashes, he stated no, they should be together but I asked again, if he wanted some he had to say now. He eventually agreed he would like some, I personally think it was his partners wishes. So I called the undertaker again and asked for more ashes to be put aside.

At this point I was hoping there is not an after life, I would hate to think my parents were watching this.

I had to leave work early, I kept crying. Then that evening, the night before the internment I had the call saying Faith was missing, he was drinking, he had taken a Stanley knife, he was threatening to take his own life. He wouldn’t answer his phone.

This is when I handed him over to my higher power. I could deal with nothing more. My instincts told me he wasn’t ready to leave this world yet, I just had to pray and believe he would be OK.

I heard nothing, he was still missing the next day. I just had to put that aside and deal    with the day. Which I did. I very nearly lost it when my brother turned up late and said his partner was not coming because her dog was sick. OK I think you might just get what was going through my head, how the hell I did not scream out loud that my son was missing but I was there I honestly don’t know. Well actually I do, it was respect for my parents and my two aunts that where there.

It wasn’t until later, after everything was done that I heard Faith was OK, the police had put him in a cell for his own safety. The reason all that happened is another ongoing story. Which I will share soon.

I started writing this because I have just returned from my best friends sons wedding. What a fantastic happy celebration. He has such a lovely family and a fantastic group of friends as has his beautiful wife. But I cried, I cried when I first saw him, I cried when I saw her, I cried when they said their vows, made their speeches, danced their first dance, and when I said goodbye to them. I think I bawled my way through their entire wedding, happy tears though.

This is bit of a shock to me, I don’t cry, or rarely, maybe it’s what I need to do. I know part of the reason I cried is knowing I will never have this celebration with my son.

I hope I haven’t rambled on too much, as I have said before, my blog is my outlet, maybe writing all this down will let me move on and stop these tears from falling.

I will update you on Faith soon.

 

I’m grieving

IMG_6070I really am struggling at the moment. I don’t know if I am preparing myself for Faiths death or just grieving for the family life the alcoholism has stolen from me.

And no one knows how much, other than you my friends.

I know I am still grieving for my recently lost parents, I think about my mums last moments surrounded by family, and I think about my dad, how I found him, lying cold and actually broken-hearted on the floor less than six weeks later.

But that is a grief I expected to come at some point. Yes it’s still upsetting and painful, but it is nothing compared to the grief I know I will feel when the life leaves my son.

And now I have this sadness, it just fills me, of the life I dreamt of, for my eldest son.

It used to be that he would take over his dads business, and then later when he decided engineering like his grandad  was what he wanted to do, I saw in my head, his apprenticeship finishing and him going out in the world, making a living, marrying some lovely girl, and then of course the grandchildren. As I got older they would come and visit, not as often as I would like, but they would be there for birthdays and christmases.

But that was not to be, this wicked wicked alcoholism has stolen all that from me.

Maybe that was all a dream anyway, but I was hopeful I would have a garden full of children again. When the children were growing up my house was very much an open house, I welcomed a broken family in, 4 children, they might actually be my saving grace when I am old, as they are still in touch and very much a family unit. In the summers, my garden and house were always full of children and friends and mums and dads. What happened?

And my daughter? She will bring my grandchildren up on the other side of the world. That’s hoping she eventually has some.

I’m wallowing in self pity, but I am so so very frightened for the life of Faith at the moment. Alcoholics die, that is a fact, and I am so worried he is on a path that he cannot escape from.

And no one, no one other than you my friends know how I am feeling.

Friends are concerned for me, work colleagues know I have a “problem son”, my partner? He has three normal adult kids, with partners and a sprinkling of grandchildren, just how I expected my life to be. He just doesn’t understand and doesn’t know what to do.  They are all lovely to me, but, just but.

In fact they are descending on us this weekend and I welcome them, I love their normality. But in between building sand castles and making sandwiches, my heart will still be breaking, for my son, for what should have been.

Hopefully my next post will be more positive. I don’t like this  person I am at the moment.