I haven’t been here for a while.
I have been having a sense of normality. A normal life.
We visited the doctor and Faith was given some tablets to help him detox. That was Thursday last week, but I was going away Friday and I am supposed to be in charge of his tablets. He needed to detox, I needed my week end away, So we just didn’t tell the doctor. I think if we had she wouldn’t have given Faith the tablets. I wouldn’t have gone with him to the doctors if I didn’t believe he was safe medicating himself.
So I went away, I was aware all week end of what he was going through but managed to put it to the back of my mind. We did stay in contact so that I knew he was OK, but I did try hard to forget for a while.
And he did it, on his own, so we have had a whole week and a bit sober. He was back, this son of mine.
Thanks to some lovely people who have contacted me, he has found some online support which I know has helped him immensely. But I know he needs to go to meetings and get that face to face support.
So I spoke to him Thursday. He’s been unable to attend any of his support groups due to yet another red tape mess up. I knew he was struggling, that sixth sense, so suggested he went to an afternoon AA meeting which I know he has been to before. He replied he might.
Well he didn’t go, Friday he called me, I had a drink. Yeah well that’s no shock, I did say to him “if you had gone to that meeting Faith you might well be sober now” He replied “Yes I know”
So here we are again, he asked to come back to my house. This time I did say “remember my new rule, if you do come here you have to attend AA meetings”. Yes I will when I’m feeling better, I’m not well enough to attend a meeting. I replied that maybe he wasn’t well enough but, he had been, and he hadn’t gone. I know this is where I have got to get tougher again.
So last night he was here in his room. He is frightened, he’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is, he cries, he knows all about wet brain, as do I, this is concerning, but then Faiths whole life is concerning. There’s not much I can say other than if he stops drinking now he could be OK.
Today I had to go out again, I refuse to let his illness impact my life totally. I try to minimise the chaos.
He called me many times but I had my phone on silent. I did call him twice calming him.
When I came home I wasn’t convinced he hadn’t had a drink, I checked his bag, I can’t check everywhere in his room, He swore he hadn’t, he said it was just the confusion. I’m not convinced but can’t prove otherwise.
As I have sat here writing this he has come downstairs and walked out of the front door.
Just gone, into the night, this oh so thin, oh so sick, gentle guy and I didn’t stop him. I now know he was drinking today.
There is nothing I can do, I am helpless over alcohol.
I just pray one day he will learn that lesson.
And so here we go again…………………