I want to go to the top of a mountain and just scream

I’ve not been here for a while.Ii have had a wonderful 10 day holiday, when I have chilled, relaxed and just for a few hours forgotten.

It has been wonderful. I did get one phone call but I dealt with it and then realised there was nothing I could do so I let it go…..

But I’m back, to work stress, my brother and x sister-in-law stress and my sons alcoholism. I have had enough from my brother and can no longer hold my thoughts within my head, they come tumbling out of my mouth, I think I have finally had enough.

Today Faith called me, I had stepped back, I’ve not spoken to him in a while. His white blood count is very low, his doctor is contacting the hospital, he needs to be in, it’s pretty serious. I just suggest he calls an ambulance. No I will not take him in, I know this is the reason he has called me.. I have stepped back.

It it does not stop this feeling I have that I want to stand on a high spot away from everyone and just scream and scream.

i want just an average family, 3 children, plus a few grand children, I should have one average child surely?

So tonight I want to scream, but I won’t, as ever it will be suppressed, because that Is how life is, isn’t it?

 

 

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Did my son really need Resusitation?

IMG_0616.JPGI knew the respite would not last for long. I thought it would end when Faiths girlfriend had enough and went back home. But that wasn’t the case.

I had a phone all at work from Faiths girlfriend, she sounded distraught, I had trouble understanding what had happened. What I grasped was Faith had been at the doctors, he fitted while he was there, he had another fit in the ambulance. He is now in resus , they are working on him, “they had to revive him”

OK, so remember I’m at work. My boss and close colleagues know about Faith. They don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want them to make exceptions, I don’t want Faith to have any effect on my work life. I have been here so many times, I don’t up and leave, it would have happened so many times if I did. But I have never heard those words before “they had to revive him”

I try to put things in perspective, he has been blue lighted to hospital a fair few times. I know how alcoholics exaggerate, I’m sure they didn’t need to revive him, they never let relatives in while they are trying to stabilise someone. There is no point rushing there, I couldn’t do anything, he is in good hands. Work is ridiculously busy due to Easter, it wouldn’t go down well if I left now. And ….. I am trying to step back.

I knew it didn’t go down well with his girlfriend, but hey, this is exactly what you do to your parents! She thought I didn’t care when I said can you keep me updated.

So I carried on working, one eye on my phone. I hold a pretty responsible job and could make a mistake which could cost my company thousands, it was hard keeping my concentration. I called her again, she still wasn’t allowed in.

When I get home I finally hear he is OK, in fact “would you like to talk to him” How could he be so ill then able to talk to me? I decide I won’t go and see him, tonight was my only night of the week where I go and do my thing, I’m too tired to go. He has impacted on my life again.

A little insight into why he gets so ill.

Faith has been drinking for over a month. As I know only too well his body starts to reject the alcohol, he starts being sick. Because in the end he can’t keep alcohol down he goes into withdrawal. That is why he had a fit.

I will explain more next time, I did say I would talk about wet brain, tonight Faith is still in hospital, I have just had a lovely conversation with him, he told me all about the long walk he had today, about being on a bus, the bargain burger the lovely lady served him, he doesn’t know why his girlfriend changed her name, all while he has been safe in hospital.

Thank you wonderful hospital staff, I don’t know how you do it. I hope he sleeps tonight, I know how difficult he can be when he is confused, You have the patience of saints, where would we both be without you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Tomorrow I will visit him ,

Tonight my only positive thought is

I know they will keep him safe 

And so here we are again…………………………

life repeating

I haven’t been here for a while.

I have been having a sense of normality. A normal life.

We visited the doctor and Faith was given some tablets to help him detox. That was Thursday last week, but I was going away Friday and I am supposed to be in charge of his tablets. He needed to detox, I needed my week end away, So we just didn’t tell the doctor. I think if we had she wouldn’t have given Faith the tablets. I wouldn’t have gone with him to the doctors if I didn’t believe he was safe medicating himself.

So I went away, I was aware all week end of what he was going through but managed to put it to the back of my mind. We did stay in contact so that I knew he was OK, but I did try hard to forget for a while.

And he did it, on his own, so we have had a whole week and a bit sober. He was back, this son of mine.

Thanks to some lovely people who have contacted me, he has found some online support which I know has helped him immensely. But I know he needs to go to meetings and get that face to face support.

So I spoke to him Thursday. He’s been unable to attend any of his support groups due to yet another red tape mess up. I knew he was struggling, that sixth sense, so suggested he went to an afternoon AA meeting which I know he has been to before. He replied he might.

Well he didn’t go, Friday he called me, I had a drink. Yeah well that’s no shock, I did say to him “if you had gone to that meeting Faith you might well be sober now” He replied “Yes I know”

So here we are again, he asked to come back to my house. This time I did say “remember my new rule, if you do come here you have to attend AA meetings”. Yes I will when I’m feeling better, I’m not well enough to attend a meeting. I replied that maybe he wasn’t well enough but, he had been, and he hadn’t gone. I know this is where I have got to get tougher again.

So last night he was here in his room. He is frightened, he’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is, he cries, he knows all about wet brain, as do I, this is concerning, but then Faiths whole life is concerning. There’s not much I can say other than if he stops drinking now he could be OK.

Today I had to go out again, I refuse to let his illness impact my life totally. I try to minimise the chaos.

He called me many times but I had my phone on silent. I did call him twice calming him.

When I came home I wasn’t convinced he hadn’t had a drink, I checked his bag, I can’t check everywhere in his room, He swore he hadn’t, he said it was just the confusion. I’m not convinced but can’t prove otherwise.

As I have sat here writing this he has come downstairs and walked out of the front door.

Just gone,  into the night, this oh so thin, oh so sick, gentle guy and I didn’t stop him. I now know he was drinking today.

There is nothing I can do, I am helpless over alcohol.

I just pray one day he will learn that lesson.

And so here we go again…………………

please-help-me-chores-hand-666101

And so the never-ending circle goes on.

I’ve left him alone, tried to forget, not called.

Then the phone rings and its him. I’m sorry I can’t do this on my own, I have tried, I know you have so much going on I don’t want to do this to you but I have tried and I just can’t stop on my own, Please can I come back to yours.

What do I say, this isn’t a drunk just asking for a roof over his head, this is my son saying I want to stop but I cant on my own, I need your help.

But I still have my Al Anon voice talking to me saying he has to find his own way of doing this. But I know his buddy is now out of the picture for 2 weeks, he had already  lost a stone in weight again even before this last bout.

So Faith is back, shut in his bedroom, he doesn’t come out when he is going through this, just for water, he is too sick to eat and to shaky to hold a plate. I’m worried and allow him a small glass of wine (breaking my own rules) but that is it, I know even that will prolong symptoms, but he shakes so much he can’t sleep and I need sleep.

He gets through the night, I can hear his distress through the walls but try to shut it out.

Another 24 hours and he has eaten a little. The sickness has stopped, The shaking is not so violent. He is starting to sound a little like himself now.

He suffers with nerve pain now. This is something that has gradually been worsening, he describes it as someone pricking his body with needles. This I can deal with, it does make me angry that the people whose care he is under say he should not be suffering withdrawal as he has such short bouts of drinking now, so needs no medication to help him through.

Well I wish they would spend one night in his shoes or mine and then tell me that.

Tonight I will sleep, his sleep will be broken but then he has nothing to do all day tomorrow but lie in his bed.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week, first time I have ever asked for help, this is really draining me

I miss my daughter dreadfully at the moment. I would normally share with her, but as she is on the other side of the world I don’t like to worry her.

At least tonight Faith is sober. That is my positive for the day.

New rule and conflicting advice

Conflicting%20inner%20voicesOh,  I’m pretty tired tonight.

Had a conversation last night with a Faith going through detox. He has been told so many conflicting things. Don’t stay with mum as she is an alcohol free zone and you must not stop drinking without meds and supervision. Don’t listen to mum she doesn’t understand alcoholism and the dangers of stopping drinking. I want to scream at these people who dish out advice without knowing the bigger picture.

I have lived with alcoholism for 10 years,  I think I know more about how the alcoholic feels and why they act as they do than these so-called experts. When your child is sick you find out all you can about their illness don’t you?  This can’t just be me?

I do know how dangerous it is to stop drinking without medical help,  I have been the one on the phone saying how sick my son is and how frightened I am. I have seen him hallucinating (when he was in a controlled rehab detox situation) and fitting when not. He became so sick he was sent to hospital from rehab and had a brain scan. I have seen him being sick unable to keep fluids down for days on end, I do get it!!

I also know from mothers instinct, time spent with him, this never-ending journey, when he can detox safely, when he does not need to be told to keep drinking, when at the end of that  time of drinking (because he has been told to drink) I will be concerned about how safe he is to detox on his own.

Sorry but his confused mind has been more confused by this so-called help and at the end of the day when they go home, I am left with the confusion, because at this time I cannot walk away because I understand his confusion, it mixes with mine.

Because he has also been told to go to my house,  (a place of safety and sobriety) by his buddy who does know him and how he works and who I am, because she thinks it is the best place for him to be at this moment in time.

I wish and understand at the end of the day it is Faith who should make these decisions himself, but with all this conflicting advice and his own alcoholic brain screaming at him what chance does he have to make any decision

I think the only people who can give him real advice are the people who have walked his path before him.

I have laid down a new rule tonight which he has accepted.

When he is in my home because he wants so try to find sobriety he must go to AA meetings.

When I first set down the rule of no alcohol in my home it was hard at for him to accept. He tried to break it but finally accepted. But he has accepted now and I think he finds a relief in it.

I hope my new rule will help him find his way to sobriety.

I can’t make him, but I do know how much my support means to him, I hope it helps to lead him in the right direction.

I know this is not stepping back and letting his higher power take over as I am supposed to do.

We have both tried that.

Tonight he has decided to go home.

So he is not ready to accept the new rule yet.

All I can do is wait, hopefully he will accept soon.

Placebo effect?

faith placebo

Another busy day, how I long for a day off without some drama.
My lovely son seems OK, we have had a chat, it appears the new tablets could be working, or it could be the placebo effect.
He called me to tell me last night he had a drink.
He had 3 beers but then instead of his thirst for alcohol increasing, he got a thirst for water.
Oh how I would love to believe this. I think he believes this so I should be happy. I am worried its the placebo effect. He believes the tablets he is taking are taking away the feel good benefits of alcohol so that’s why he stopped drinking. Great! fantastic! A cure has been found! I have learnt not to get too excited.
I’m now worried he thinks he can drink sociably. I know this can never happen.

But he did stop drinking and he has been good all day.

Oh what a shame I’ve visited my mum today and she seemed very confused. Not her normal very with it herself.

I am very concerned, something has happened in her body to cause this.
111 called and an over the phone consultation.
No immediate cause for concern but they will assess her tomorrow.

Never seems a day without some concerns.
My positive on today is faith is believing in his new medication and today he is sober.

His new name “Faith”

FAITH

I’m not happy talking about my son without a name, so, I have decided from now on, he will be called “Faith”

When I got the call yesterday from the paramedic I was as I said in the supermarket. He said he would assess Faith and call me back. I did what I had to do and decided I would drive home past his flat, I drove around for a while, no sign of that ambulance. so I called him. He was in A & E, I am filled with a sense of relief. Tonight he is safe and I don’t need to deal with him. (Is that a bad feeling for a mum?)

He was apparently suffering a lot of pain in his back, possible kidney infection, he was placed on a drip and given a scan of his bladder.

I called him this morning, he seems much improved, I am guessing the drips he was on have just rehydrated him

Later in the morning he calls, he’s home.

I also receive a message from his buddy, she has looked into the rehab clinic that I have suggested could possibly help Faith and is supported by lottery funding. Yes I could be right, now fancy that!! She will investigate further, I keep my fingers crossed.

I need to leave work early today as my partner needs a diabetic check on his eyes and can’t drive with the eye drops. That’s two days this week I have had to take time out of work for appointments and it is only Tuesday.

When I have dropped him off I meet Faith, give him the prescriptions I picked up for him, he doesn’t look good, his eyes are puffy, has he been crying or is it just alcohol? He doesn’t want to hang around long, he needs his bed

Home. dinner, my blog and bed. Life is as full on as ever.