We have made peace with each other

IMG_4430Tonight I think I have had the most honest and open discussion with Faith that I have ever had. I believed every sad word that he said and we cried over the phone together.

I have seen things changing slowly over the last months and tonight I think we were both brutally honest with each other.

He knows he is on a very thin line, if he doesn’t stop drinking soon he will die. He wants to, and does have the chance of an in hospital detox, but he needs to ask for it very clearly himself. I believe he will.

But he still has the problem of his live in alcoholic girlfriend who is still in denial. He has to make the decision himself of how he is going to deal with it. He loves her, of that I have no doubt, be it the love of a fellow human who suffers as they both do, I don’t know, I can’t answer that.

My advice to him was to go and talk about it to as many people as he can, I pray they all give him the same advice that I give him. Trying to instill in him the things I have learnt at alanon, he is not helping her by letting her live with him and carry on drinking, she too will lose herself to this dreadful disease.

Tonight I pray, they both find the strength to do what they must do.

Please don’t let me lose my son.

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Mental health week, just where is the help?

IMG_5921I write this in desperation. How do you get help? What has to happen before you get that help?

Faith is in his own world at the moment, he’s tried to detox himself, that’s not possible. But he’s been told if he doesn’t stop drinking he has 6 months. So he has reduced as suggested, his alcohol consumption. But that now leads to these symptoms of dementia.

He has been to A&E to be told come back if your symptoms worsen. How would he know?

He went to the doctor, he sent him to hospital for a blood test, I phoned the hospital to warn them he could be confused, please take him to A & E if he is.

He came back home.

Today he has had a party for his nephew at his flat, his girlfriend came back to find biscuits laid out on the table for this party that apparently I went to, his sister who is in Australia also went to. To him it is so very real and he will not be told otherwise.

She called 111, he would not talk to the mental health team so there was nothing they could do. He has walked out because everyone is getting at him. He came back, 111 was called again, there is nothing they can do because he won’t talk to them. HE’S NO IDEA WHERE HE IS OR WHAT HE IS DOING, WHY WOULD HE THINK HE NEEDS TO TALK TO ANYONE? sorry for shouting, where is the help? Oh yes, if I was rich like Declan Donnely with rich famous friends he would be safe somewhere being cared for. But I’m not, and he is not, he will be gone soon I know it.

Eventually in desperation his partner called the police, she was scared for his safety. And would you believe it they came, and they talked to him gently and kindly, it seemed to bring him back to some sense of normality  They gave him the address of a very local mental health drop in place where he could go and have a chat with some very nice people.

So I want to say thank you to those lovely policemen, I’m sorry you should never have needed to be called had the right support been in place.

I want to shout “why oh why had no-one ever told him about this place before”

I am so angry, so tired, so very very very sad.

Update………

I wrote this about a week or so ago but never got round to publishing it.

Faiths brain seems to have settled, he is taking his medication regularly which I think is helping.

I did something that the alanon “stand back and let his higher power decide” side of me would have frowned at, I got the number of the ad active group he goes to and called and eventually spoke to someone who knew him. I told her about the latest incident and how sick he is and how very worried I was about him. That was it, I told her, I got the old “because Faith hadn’t given her consent to talk to me she couldn’t discuss anything about him with me” I didn’t care, I just wanted them to be aware of how sick he is. I knew when asked, Faith would give her his consent, but I felt at least I had done something.

And it worked, the lady I spoke to called Faith, he went to see her and suddenly he was given a plan, he was given somewhere he could go everyday which he has been doing. But as happens so often, it’s actually a joke how often this happens, she has now gone sick, she will be off a while, so although it’s obviously written in his notes, is there anyone else that will care? Who will call him and arrange meetings to make sure he is attending? I doubt it.

The one thing I have learnt is this child of mine seems to have regressed back to a little child that needs my help, love and support again. I’m sorry alanon I can’t abandon him. I feel he has very few chances left. I am going to have to step in and try pointing him in the right direction. I know that’s all I can do, he has to take the steps, but he has me behind him again supporting him. And should that day come when I lose him, I will have no regrets of “if only I had done more” never-never-never-give-up-112-picture

He tells me most days he loves me, I’m trying to say it back more often.

 

I’m just lost and broken

I don’t know how to find the energy and strength to carry on.

I’m struggling, really struggling. I feel so very alone. The support for family’s of alcoholics in this area is pathetic. I am wallowing in sadness. And ha ha would you believe I’ve started to drink to numb the pain. How absolutely ridiculous is that? (That took some admitting) But I hear it’s not so uncommon. As I am writing this I know, a voice inside me that has been quiet is starting to get louder. To save myself I must do something, I can’t save my son but I can save me and I just know I have to start now. So tomorrow I am going to revisit my local alanon group.

its been quite a long time since I last went. I found the lady that ran it was very angry with her alcoholic, and she expected everyone else to be angry. When I tried to explain that I was just desperately sad she didn’t seem to want to accept that. Yes I get angry, I do get so bloody angry, but it is frustration, not anger at my son, just anger at this god damn awful consuming disease. The whole meeting seemed to have a depressing atmosphere. It might be different now, I hope so, if it’s not I am going to make it change, or at least try.

I will put an update on here, that’s me making a statement so I have to do it. After work tomorrow I know I will be thinking I can’t be bothered, but I must, I have to get a life back other than that of a mother of an alcoholic.

I’ve been to see Faith tonight, he’s in a dreadful state now, health, mental and financially. It breaks me to see him like that and I feel so very helpless, so broken.

I hope I can get fixed a little tomorrow. I can’t go on as I am I have to do something.

 

FAMILY…the word, brings so many emotions

IMG_3323I’ve just looked back on my last post and realised I obviously didn’t proof read it! But it was sent from the heart, I just typed, it was what I was thinking. I sometimes forget that others read my words, which really are just my thoughts.

So last time I was here I was feeling pretty low. I am again tonight, probably why I am drawn to my blog, to write, it somehow eases the hurt.

I have been lucky enough to have another short break, with a very very dear friend. She manages to ground me, her laughter heals me, her problems bring mine into line. Brain haemorrhage, breast cancer, a husband who contracted food poisoning and was left paralysed. Yes really, and on this holiday, her beloved grandson was diagnosed as autistic. There is actually more, but that’s on a very personal level I feel I can’t mention on here. So you see, how can I complain? Her laughter, her positive outlook on life rubs off on everyone around her. Unfortunately she lives a long distance from me so I only get to feel it occasionally.

So back to my son, Faith.

Nothing has changed. He had a fall due to being intoxicated which lead to  wound to his head and hospital for one night.

I am trying to arrange a family gathering for my fathers 90th birthday. Shouldn’t this just be such a wonderful celebration? Not in this family.

I have had bit of a meltdown, yes me, who hardly ever sheds a tear, sorts everyone else’s problems, but found suddenly, enough was enough. I have held back my feelings from family members to protect my elderly parents from further upset, they have had enough believe me, for far too long.

Money has always been an issue within the family, my parents on a basic pension, my younger brother has hardly worked in the last 10 years, my older brother has worked but found himself made redundant many times and living on a boat supporting his partially sighted partner. Divorce after 25 years married has had its impact on me financially, starting again with a mortgage which will be paid off shortly before I retire. But out of all of us I am the most financially secure, even though I work hard, full time to achieve that.

So I find myself helping out, my son who is in absolute dire straights financially. His benefits were stopped due to sick notes going missing, it has taken 3 months to finally get some benefits for him, in the meantime I have paid his rent and taken food parcels to him. Because he was getting no benefits he could not even register for the food bank. His girlfriend has of course supplied him with money for alcohol.

But finally his benefits be they meagre, have arrived in his account. And he has gone on a drinking spree. I have spoken to him in his drunken stupor, no, I have cried to him in his drunken stupor “your wonderful grandad who adores you, his eldest grandchild, is celebrating 90 years on this earth, and I cannot invite you to his celebrations” how that hurt to say. Especially when their step grandaughter who was not invited due to their limited finances (she of course said she would pay her family’s way) but as she wasn’t invited now refuses to come even though I have told her how welcome she would be.

At the same time my younger brother is going through a court case to try and have some custody of his son, of which I am totally in the middle, with his x wife. I have spoken truthfully with the social worker assigned to the case about my feelings towards my brother and his dominating controlling behaviour, his x wife’s lack of parenting skills, that poor child in the middle.

There was more upset with my parents over the celebration meal, my mum who is now partially deaf but refuses to acknowledge it , said she had not had enough say, the meal is too expensive (I opted for a roast, in a hotel that was easily accessible for people that were travelling) it’s just an average price, they are out of touch with prices, and I have asked for their opinion always.

I feel beaten tonight, well this week really. Tonight is my one night I have time to myself and go to a fun exercise class. I couldn’t face it.

And the very worst thing is? I have bought a bottle of wine, to ease the pain.

Will my next blog be (10 days sober)

At the moment I’m feeling that is a real possibility.

 

 

My heart ♥ is in your hands

I lie awake in the debths of night

A pain as raw as the pain I felt when I gave birth to you

Fills my body

My heart ♥ a weight so heavy in my chest

My heart ♥ as strong as a lions

Or as delicate as butterfly wings

I endure the pain

I have no choice

There is no pain relief that will take this pain away

I wait

You can continue to drink your alcohol, your pain relief, until the day

You break my fragile as a butterfly wings heart ♥

Or you can reach out to the many hands outstretched to you

And make my heart ♥ whole and strong again

My heart ♥ is in your hands

If only you knew