I’m just lost and broken

I don’t know how to find the energy and strength to carry on.

I’m struggling, really struggling. I feel so very alone. The support for family’s of alcoholics in this area is pathetic. I am wallowing in sadness. And ha ha would you believe I’ve started to drink to numb the pain. How absolutely ridiculous is that? (That took some admitting) But I hear it’s not so uncommon. As I am writing this I know, a voice inside me that has been quiet is starting to get louder. To save myself I must do something, I can’t save my son but I can save me and I just know I have to start now. So tomorrow I am going to revisit my local alanon group.

its been quite a long time since I last went. I found the lady that ran it was very angry with her alcoholic, and she expected everyone else to be angry. When I tried to explain that I was just desperately sad she didn’t seem to want to accept that. Yes I get angry, I do get so bloody angry, but it is frustration, not anger at my son, just anger at this god damn awful consuming disease. The whole meeting seemed to have a depressing atmosphere. It might be different now, I hope so, if it’s not I am going to make it change, or at least try.

I will put an update on here, that’s me making a statement so I have to do it. After work tomorrow I know I will be thinking I can’t be bothered, but I must, I have to get a life back other than that of a mother of an alcoholic.

I’ve been to see Faith tonight, he’s in a dreadful state now, health, mental and financially. It breaks me to see him like that and I feel so very helpless, so broken.

I hope I can get fixed a little tomorrow. I can’t go on as I am I have to do something.

 

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FAMILY…the word, brings so many emotions

IMG_3323I’ve just looked back on my last post and realised I obviously didn’t proof read it! But it was sent from the heart, I just typed, it was what I was thinking. I sometimes forget that others read my words, which really are just my thoughts.

So last time I was here I was feeling pretty low. I am again tonight, probably why I am drawn to my blog, to write, it somehow eases the hurt.

I have been lucky enough to have another short break, with a very very dear friend. She manages to ground me, her laughter heals me, her problems bring mine into line. Brain haemorrhage, breast cancer, a husband who contracted food poisoning and was left paralysed. Yes really, and on this holiday, her beloved grandson was diagnosed as autistic. There is actually more, but that’s on a very personal level I feel I can’t mention on here. So you see, how can I complain? Her laughter, her positive outlook on life rubs off on everyone around her. Unfortunately she lives a long distance from me so I only get to feel it occasionally.

So back to my son, Faith.

Nothing has changed. He had a fall due to being intoxicated which lead to  wound to his head and hospital for one night.

I am trying to arrange a family gathering for my fathers 90th birthday. Shouldn’t this just be such a wonderful celebration? Not in this family.

I have had bit of a meltdown, yes me, who hardly ever sheds a tear, sorts everyone else’s problems, but found suddenly, enough was enough. I have held back my feelings from family members to protect my elderly parents from further upset, they have had enough believe me, for far too long.

Money has always been an issue within the family, my parents on a basic pension, my younger brother has hardly worked in the last 10 years, my older brother has worked but found himself made redundant many times and living on a boat supporting his partially sighted partner. Divorce after 25 years married has had its impact on me financially, starting again with a mortgage which will be paid off shortly before I retire. But out of all of us I am the most financially secure, even though I work hard, full time to achieve that.

So I find myself helping out, my son who is in absolute dire straights financially. His benefits were stopped due to sick notes going missing, it has taken 3 months to finally get some benefits for him, in the meantime I have paid his rent and taken food parcels to him. Because he was getting no benefits he could not even register for the food bank. His girlfriend has of course supplied him with money for alcohol.

But finally his benefits be they meagre, have arrived in his account. And he has gone on a drinking spree. I have spoken to him in his drunken stupor, no, I have cried to him in his drunken stupor “your wonderful grandad who adores you, his eldest grandchild, is celebrating 90 years on this earth, and I cannot invite you to his celebrations” how that hurt to say. Especially when their step grandaughter who was not invited due to their limited finances (she of course said she would pay her family’s way) but as she wasn’t invited now refuses to come even though I have told her how welcome she would be.

At the same time my younger brother is going through a court case to try and have some custody of his son, of which I am totally in the middle, with his x wife. I have spoken truthfully with the social worker assigned to the case about my feelings towards my brother and his dominating controlling behaviour, his x wife’s lack of parenting skills, that poor child in the middle.

There was more upset with my parents over the celebration meal, my mum who is now partially deaf but refuses to acknowledge it , said she had not had enough say, the meal is too expensive (I opted for a roast, in a hotel that was easily accessible for people that were travelling) it’s just an average price, they are out of touch with prices, and I have asked for their opinion always.

I feel beaten tonight, well this week really. Tonight is my one night I have time to myself and go to a fun exercise class. I couldn’t face it.

And the very worst thing is? I have bought a bottle of wine, to ease the pain.

Will my next blog be (10 days sober)

At the moment I’m feeling that is a real possibility.

 

 

please-help-me-chores-hand-666101

And so the never-ending circle goes on.

I’ve left him alone, tried to forget, not called.

Then the phone rings and its him. I’m sorry I can’t do this on my own, I have tried, I know you have so much going on I don’t want to do this to you but I have tried and I just can’t stop on my own, Please can I come back to yours.

What do I say, this isn’t a drunk just asking for a roof over his head, this is my son saying I want to stop but I cant on my own, I need your help.

But I still have my Al Anon voice talking to me saying he has to find his own way of doing this. But I know his buddy is now out of the picture for 2 weeks, he had already  lost a stone in weight again even before this last bout.

So Faith is back, shut in his bedroom, he doesn’t come out when he is going through this, just for water, he is too sick to eat and to shaky to hold a plate. I’m worried and allow him a small glass of wine (breaking my own rules) but that is it, I know even that will prolong symptoms, but he shakes so much he can’t sleep and I need sleep.

He gets through the night, I can hear his distress through the walls but try to shut it out.

Another 24 hours and he has eaten a little. The sickness has stopped, The shaking is not so violent. He is starting to sound a little like himself now.

He suffers with nerve pain now. This is something that has gradually been worsening, he describes it as someone pricking his body with needles. This I can deal with, it does make me angry that the people whose care he is under say he should not be suffering withdrawal as he has such short bouts of drinking now, so needs no medication to help him through.

Well I wish they would spend one night in his shoes or mine and then tell me that.

Tonight I will sleep, his sleep will be broken but then he has nothing to do all day tomorrow but lie in his bed.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week, first time I have ever asked for help, this is really draining me

I miss my daughter dreadfully at the moment. I would normally share with her, but as she is on the other side of the world I don’t like to worry her.

At least tonight Faith is sober. That is my positive for the day.

A Sobering day

loss

I think things are getting on top of me a little.

Not something that’s easy for me, Mrs calm and capable, to admit.

I’m not sure why, my mum is pretty poorly but its something I have been preparing myself for, maybe I’m just under the weather. I’m not someone who does illness. I still went to work even though I think I probably just needed a day in bed to rest.

I went to see a counsellor today. First time I’ve ever admitted I need someone’s help to get through this.

Giving her a quick run down of my life in last 15 years she quickly picked up on how many losses I had had.  and one of them was Faith, and I must admit at the moment I feel I have lost my son, but I do still get glimpses of him and that is what keeps me going.

The new tablets are working in that he is only drinking a limited amount, but he is drinking every day and that is no result really. He seems very down, I think we both are at the moment.

I can’t see a light at the moment

Mojo has gone a little tonight, now doubt it will be back in the morning,