Self belief and confidence

self esteem

Saturday, love it, no work!

My elderly parents often visit on a Saturday morning, its their little trip out. Faith called, “are they coming over? OK I will come round” Good news, he’s feeling well and wants to see his grandparents.

My partner was working in the garden on the summer-house and I was a little concerned as he is still recovering from a hip replacement op. I messaged Faith to ask if he could help if he was coming over…….. big mistake!

I had forgotten that he can’t deal with changes to plans or unexpected things happening.

Now he would have to change, he had made an effort to be smart for his grandparents, he didn’t know what to do, total panic. I wished I hadn’t suggested it, but I knew if he did help he would get just a little bit of self-worth.

in the end after many messages he walks in, smiles at his grandparents like all is wonderful with the world.

I’m pleased he got over his panic and made it over. I take my parents out and leave him to help with the summer-house roof repairs.

When we return he is eating lunch and smiling. For once he got over his fear of failure and did something constructive and got something back.

I drop him home and thank him. He comments that he indeed was needed and was happy to help.

This is what he needs everyday, maybe then he will start believing in himself. I certainly do.

Good day and bad days, love and let go

letting goIts been a quiet day, met Faith tonight briefly after work, he seems Ok, and as he is OK he’s back to being concerned about his body and health. He’s checked out the new tablets prescribed by doctor, all the pros and cons benefits and side affects. How can someone this concerned about health. poison their body with alcohol?

That is I guess addiction.

He was a fitness instructor. He knows all about health fitness and the body. Too much I think sometimes.

How I love this son of mine and I am learning to love him on these good days and let the others just go.

Reason to stay sober

I’ve been reading lots, I came across a comment that seemed to ring home as so true.

Faith seems to be in this never-ending circle, recovering, sober for a while then back on it, This seemed to say what I’m guessing he feels, Last time he was sober he did say, “I get sober. go through all that, but nothing changes”.

Day eight was harder for him than day one and two. At day’s one and two he had a reason to stay sober. At day eight he was hating life, himself, me, and sobriety.

Tonight he’s good, in his own home, sober and OK, only just OK but OK, I wish he would look and find these inspirational words, I am still learning, I am like a sponge, I want as much information as possible. I feel I am more qualified than his buddy, maybe a change of career for me is what I need to do, who knows.

Trust and Faith

faith 2

Well my blog and bed was the plan!

Faith called about 8pm to say he should have taken up my offer to come home. “Well I did offer earlier but I’m tired now and in my pj’s”. Oh OK.

10 minutes later he calls to say he has started walking but he’s feeling dizzy so he is sitting on a bench. Luckily my other son volunteers to go and pick him up.

He arrives home and askes  if he can go straight up to bed.

I go up later to talk to him, he was too scared to stay on his own, he was worried if he went to sleep he wouldn’t wake up, how sad to be scared like that.

So today has been pretty calm.

He was still here when I arrived home and looking better. He’s eaten some food today and is much more talkative.

I had a conversation with his buddy today and it wasn’t good news. Funding for the rehab that I found does come from the government and the pot is empty. She will still encourage Faith to go through the process to gain a place but the chances are, if he does get a place it will be for only 2 weeks. She agrees with me that 2 weeks is a waste of time, he can do 2 weeks by himself, its after that he falls.

So not much hope there. I will just have to trust and believe that he can do this on his own.

I will just have to have faith. after all, today he is sober.

His new name “Faith”

FAITH

I’m not happy talking about my son without a name, so, I have decided from now on, he will be called “Faith”

When I got the call yesterday from the paramedic I was as I said in the supermarket. He said he would assess Faith and call me back. I did what I had to do and decided I would drive home past his flat, I drove around for a while, no sign of that ambulance. so I called him. He was in A & E, I am filled with a sense of relief. Tonight he is safe and I don’t need to deal with him. (Is that a bad feeling for a mum?)

He was apparently suffering a lot of pain in his back, possible kidney infection, he was placed on a drip and given a scan of his bladder.

I called him this morning, he seems much improved, I am guessing the drips he was on have just rehydrated him

Later in the morning he calls, he’s home.

I also receive a message from his buddy, she has looked into the rehab clinic that I have suggested could possibly help Faith and is supported by lottery funding. Yes I could be right, now fancy that!! She will investigate further, I keep my fingers crossed.

I need to leave work early today as my partner needs a diabetic check on his eyes and can’t drive with the eye drops. That’s two days this week I have had to take time out of work for appointments and it is only Tuesday.

When I have dropped him off I meet Faith, give him the prescriptions I picked up for him, he doesn’t look good, his eyes are puffy, has he been crying or is it just alcohol? He doesn’t want to hang around long, he needs his bed

Home. dinner, my blog and bed. Life is as full on as ever.

The Meeting

keep-calm-and-come-to-the-meeting

Well the meeting happened but without the two most important people, the addiction nurse who arranged the whole thing and then at the last-minute could not attend, and my son who was to poorly with withdrawal.

But lets not be negative, his GP was willing to give us her time and his buddy was there with the possibility of a new drug to help with the cravings as suggested by the absent addiction nurse. It was also the first time his dad had been involved in any discussions so that was a positive.

When we first met his buddy before seeing the doctor I asked about the possibility of rehab. I had mentioned it before and had got a rather negatives response and it was pretty much the same today, basically there is no funding.

I did find the meeting useful in that I could ask questions as my son wasn’t there without having the worry of him getting upset. some of the subjects we covered were –

  •  His panic attacks and how they could be helped   (He needs to be alcohol free  before he can have any medication)
  • The new medication that would possibly help with his cravings   (It turned out to not be new at all but we decided to give it a try)
  • My concerns over the possibility that he has developed Neuropathy (Just another symptom suffered by alcoholics that if he managed to abstain for a period of time would hopefully improve)
  • Prescriptions only being given in weekly doses due to the possibility of overdose

And then the GP asked what was the possibility of Rehab. She was told the same as me but she wasnt happy and said she had just had another patient accepted so there must be funds available. Buddy agreed to investigate and they would exchange details.

I discovered something else during the meeting which alarmed me a little. Apparently the main aim of his buddy is to keep him out of A & E and minimise doctor visits. As that means helping him find sobriety then that’s great. but she then showed me a plan that has been drawn up for when he calls an ambulance or is admitted to hospital. They will see a note saying unless they were particularly concerned he a had a medical emergency he does not need to go to A & E or if he does go he should not be admitted to a ward unless they thought again there was a medical emergency.

Now alarm bells are ringing rather loudly and also who is the person expected to pick up the bits that A & E are not going too? I can see even more trouble heading my way. Thank goodness the GP also picked up on this and voiced her concerns, yes, when he is admitted he often does only need a drip and reassurance that he is OK, but he does need that. But I’m not sure how it was left, I’ve got real concerns about this now as if I needed anymore.

Another point I raised was that I had stepped back, as we are told to do at Al Anon, but once this new support was put in place they eagerly wanted me involved and ready to support him. I asked if my offers of a safe alcohol free bed was enabling him when he should really be sorting out his own sobriety.

She didn’t know, though she admitted it had gone through her mind when, one day, she had phoned me with the dilemma of leaving my son on the street in a very vulnerable state or taking him to a place of safety (my home) if I was willing to take him. I did at the time say that I pretty much did not have a choice and I know she felt my upset.

That pretty much summed up the meeting, I felt more concerned coming out than when I went in.

I went back to work, where have you been ” Oh just an appointment” Oh how I would love to tell the truth.

After work I went to the supermarket to pick up my sons prescription. While waiting a received a call. It was the a paramedic. They were with my son, we are just taking him to hospital……

Neuropathy, another stage?

Well that’s the weekend over I guess.neuropathy

My alcoholic son has pretty much dominated my thoughts over the weekend.

I get on with life, but I pretty much feel it’s all such a sham.

I had many messages and a few calls between us. It looks like he has pretty much destroyed any chance of this meeting going ahead with his doctor tomorrow. I’ve sent a message to his buddy tonight saying as much.

I’ve also asked again about the chances of rehab, it’s what he’s asking for. My mind is in a bit of turmoil about it to be honest.

He has the fabulous support of a specially trained addiction nurse at the hospital. But he doesn’t agree with rehab, he thinks support should be out there every day, which is where his buddy comes in. She has been fantastic support also, compared to what he had before (a story to be told some other time)  but it is only 3 or 4ish days a week, that’s without her 2 week holiday and at least 3 weeks off sick since she has been supporting my son. So I see it not working. He is really trying to stay sober, but he needs support 7 days a week in these early days. I know him and I know he really does want sobriety but he just cannot do it on his own.

So tonight I have been trying to find charity funding for rehab, I seem to have come up zero. There is one place, he did go there before for 6 weeks and came out in a good place only to have zero backup when he came out. (This is where I need to mention as before another story, we needed to change postcode for him to get support). If he got a place there now I know he would get follow on support.

Well I’ve also mentioned this in my message to his buddy. So will see if it can be an option.

In my relentless searching on here for support I came across an article on nerve damage suffered by alcoholics. I read some things I didn’t like. I knew he was suffering from shooting tingling pain from damaged nerves, I wasn’t so concerned as I knew if it was early damage, abstinence would help if not cure it. What did bother me more was that it could affect the badder, my son had complained that he was starting to suffer bouts of incontinence ( I wouldn’t write this if I didn’t know it was anonymous) I thought it was just when he was drinking, but no, it was also apparently even when he wasn’t.

I sent him the link, my concern increased when he said it talked about confusion even when sober, “that’s what I have” and he did tell me only a week ago that he was suffering confusion, I have to admit I didn’t believe him then. Now I am getting really scared, this disease has gone up another notch, I’m frightened, confused and very lonely, probably the same feelings he is experiencing.

I must stop imagining his funeral, but another voice says you must prepare yourself.

For those of you interested out there, he is in his room alone again tonight, suffering god knows what demons, I did give him the choice of coming here but when he couldn’t choose I decided for him, if he wanted to he would have said yes. He might be in hospital, he wont answer my calls or messages, I hope he is as OK as he can be.

But I haven’t given up hope, lets see what tomorrow brings, I doubt the meeting but I do know there are other people out there fighting his corner and tomorrow is Monday so the back up team are working.

Normal family. I wish

I haven’t got much to say tonight, I’ve had an OK day today (that’s a lie)

Its been my beautiful gorgeous step granddaughters first birthday. And I felt  so not a part of it, not their fault at all.

What a lovely close family they are, it just hurts me that mine can’t be like that.

And I come back to messages saying “I can’t see out of my right eye” I’ve not moved, still on my bed in pain” so many messages of pain and sadness, I can’t cope with his and mine sadness tonight.

I want my family to be normal, why can’t I have that?

I’ve just done my spellcheck and can’t came up 4 times. 😦

Missing my mojo

Tonight I am going to write a little about me.lost mojo

It’s not been a good day or evening.

I’ve talked through panic attacks, how we can find a way of getting him into rehab, told him that no he doesn’t need to end his life, there is something for him after this. I’ve talked and talked and I am feeling exhausted by it.

My good good friend sent me a message while I was at work today, and it broke me, and I don’t break.

I have lost my mojo apparently, and I need to do something about it, it was a lovely caring message, and because I know she is right and its so hard when people are nice to you, I cried, and I don’t cry, well rarely, and never at work.

It’s funny how you go along thinking you are coping, then someone says something and you realise your not really coping just surviving and life isn’t fun doing that. In fact I’ve realised there is very little fun in my life at the moment, my alcoholic has taken that away.

Thank you dear friend, you’ve given me the jolt I needed, I have to try to step back a little again, I am going to try hard.

But I don’t know if I can, I need to seek the help and support of others going through this, I just wish there was as much support out there for us on the other side, there is a meeting every day you can go to if you are an alcoholic, for me I have a choice of 2 on the same evening and 1 is a 35 minute drive away.

To finish me off tonight I have had a policeman at my door. I saw him before I heard him and I was frozen, I knew my other son was driving a long distance today, please no. But it was OK just a check on an abandoned car, Ok my life can stop spinning, steady.

Its been a tough 3 months really, my beloved daughter has gone off on her travels again, Australia for possibly 2 years, oh how I miss her laughter and bossiness over her brothers. She is more a friend now than a daughter.  My partner has had a major op with a long recuperation period. I feel like I care for everyone, how I wish I could be pampered for a bit, I long for some time off from work, just to breath, catch up, read a book, lay on the sofa and watch a film.

Well that’s enough of me feeling sorry for myself! didn’t last long, come on girl, pick yourself up, dust yourself down. You have so much to feel lucky about, (OK it’s taking me a while to think about that one)

At least its the week-end so 2 days off from work, I will be OK.

And just a note on my son, he is in his flat feeling very sorry for himself, apparently not drinking now but suffering major panic attacks and depression. Tonight I can’t dwell too long on him, tonight I need to recharge, tonight he is just going to have to deal with this himself.

Tomorrow I will be stronger.

The expected happens

Oh well I was expecting it wasn’t I?

After writing my last blog my phone rang and he told me he was really struggling, he was sounding really angry over the phone and I tried not to react, to stay calm. Hey it was good after all he was calling me instead of drinking, that’s pretty good, I knew I pretty much had to just listen to his anger, the phone was put down on me a few times.

This is when I wish, wish I had the knowledge to know how to answer his angry questions and accusations, I’m not a councillor, just a mum, I’ve got no training for this situation. I just try to calm, to make him see he has a future, a future he cant see at the moment.

He tells me he is just eating and eating, because his mind/body is craving, he’s confused with the cravings. (my mind says woophee eat as much as you can, his body needs these calories)

He also says his body has recovered from the last binge, withdrawal symptoms now all gone apart from a little nerve tingling damage. But nothing has changed, he’s not drinking but he still has no job, no partner, no friends. I want to cry at his honesty, but I cant I have to give him positives. I try so hard against his negativities.

Its late I have to sleep, I cant keep up this putting forward positives against his never ending negatives.

So I don’t call in the morning, just message telling him to get his ass out of bed and look at the job site I sent last night.

I call his buddy in my lunch break, pass on as much info as I can, he opened up a lot last night to me and there are things she needs to know before this meeting at the doctors on Tuesday. a meeting supposed to help him but he just wants to run from. He thinks he will be attacked again as he felt he was in the last one. (He was told a few home truths that obviously hurt him when he was down)

She says she is concerned, thinks he has had a drink today.

He calls me later, he has.

I’m not surprised or shocked, OK so lets just move forward.

He’s struggling again tonight, he didn’t drink much, he wont drink again tonight, OK I say.

“Can I come home tomorrow” I reply “Of course” “I want to work but there are no jobs” There are jobs but they have to be 16 hours or less otherwise he loses  his benefits and cannot afford to house himself. It seems a messed up system, hes not fit enough for full time work, but if he works over 16hrs he will lose his benefits, he wants to work but how many jobs are there 16 hrs or less?

A message later, he can see spiders, “are they real?”

I message back, I hope not.

In bed I look for possibly jobs, I want to give him hope,

This morning I call, no answer.

I send a message “get out of bed and look for a job”

I work.

Later I see 2 missed calls, 3 messages.

After work I call, yes he has had a drink, he’s stopped now, no he doesn’t want to come round, please help me I can’t stop. drinking.

He puts the phone down on me.

He calls later to apologise, I’m sorry, I will look at those jobs, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry

So we will see what tomorrow brings. breath, just breath