Does an alcoholic ever register the real pain they have inflicted

IMG_8386Gosh it’s been a while since I sat and wrote down my feelings.

There always seems to be something or someone needing my time, the summer has been busy, more work commitments which I won’t even start to go into, I work full time and have been given more responsibilities, which at 60 to be honest I don’t really want, but it did mean more money, so….. as I seem to help the world out financially (OK slight exaggeration) but it does feel like it sometimes, I’m a soft touch I know, I said yes.

It’s not been an easy summer but I have been lucky enough to celebrate my special birthday a few times and I have been spoilt by friends and more especially my partners children and family. They have spoilt me and rejoiced with me like I would love my family to do. I get so much love from them, but it just makes my family’s lack of it more obvious. Not that it is my family’s fault, my daughter did come back from Australia for a week which was amazing but was so rushed with everyone to see, my younger son is just awkward with himself and doesn’t have the confidence to arrange things, and then there is Faith, which of course is who this blog is really about.

I don’t know how to explain where he is on his journey now, it’s such an up and downer, probably just easier to jump to how he is right now.

Three weeks ago he was admitted to hospital after another bout of drinking. This is the pattern now, he cannot sustain drinking for a long period, a positive.

While he was in hospital the liver specialist came to see him (he had an appointment but missed it) It seems as a result of that visit it was arranged that he could start a day release rehab which he was really happy about. I do believe at the moment he wants to get better. And he started, and he loved it, a week in and he was so positive being able to talk to people that understood him, making new sober buddies, he was smiling and happy and positive again.

And then…..there is always something, his new phone contract which he had sorted out with his drinking partner whilst he was drinking and which should have halved his payments was rejected by his bank as it was over £100. Need I say any more, he is incapable of dealing with stressful situations without drinking. Although I told him I would help him sort it, it was already too late, and with a partner who still drinks the inevitable happened.

That was a week ago and he has been back in hospital, but cannot go back to the rehab until he has had a period of abstaining, which so far isn’t happening.

That week he was sober we had all the “I’ve been told by experts that it just won’t work living with an active alcoholic, I’m going to do something about it, I have to change my life” which I had known was true for ages but, to hear it from Faith really gave me hope, false hope once again.

Today I took him some vegetables from the garden, he was drunk when he came out to the car, and those were his first words, “Yes I’m drunk” which is good in a way, as we at least have an open honest relationship, but he knows now he can’t lie to me anyway. I just gave him the veg and said OK, call me when you are sober, I refuse to speak to him when he is drinking now, I don’t like that person as I’m sure he doesn’t, it seems the easiest solution.

So now I sit and wait, for the phone call to say he is in hospital or the sober call.

But I don’t just sit and wait, I have to get on with my life, so tomorrow it’s back to all this extra stress and responsibilities, guess I should be grateful they think I am still capable.

OK, that was written a week ago, I didn’t get to post it. Faith is still drinking, my heart is breaking, do recovered alcoholics ever get to realise the real pain they caused? This pain I feel is so real, and I am powerless to stop it.

Letting go for both our sakes

 

For the first time ever I believed he and his girlfriend were sober together at the same time. I probably didn’t question it as much as I should have.

I revelled in having sober conversations with Faith, he seemed to be enjoying it also even though he was in pain. He reconnected with his sister living in Australia. he asked for help to get to AA meetings. I told him to enjoy all the positives of being sober.  I delivered food.  And a tumble dryer, my mums, up until then he had not been able to think straight enough to work out where he could put it.

I thought, really thought, this time, he cannot get alcohol, so he will have no choice but to stay sober, at least for a while.

I am not stupid, I think I know my son well enough by now, well I thought I did, to know when he has had a drink, be it only 1 ( well it never is only one is it) . I would deny it to myself sometimes, but in my heart I knew.

So how the f… did I miss this one, I just don’t understand, I can’t understand. So….

Yesterday Faith had an appointment the hospital fracture clinic due to his last escapade. I thought it strange it wasn’t as the hospital he was admitted to but didn’t really think too much into it. It turned out they were actually more concerned about his liver than his broken bones. But he was fitted with better fitting “boots” and as far as I could make out, sent on his way.

Today his girlfriend called me at work to tell me he had been admitted to hospital.

What? Why? what has he done now?

He had 4 fits during the night then another big one this morning, he didn’t want to me to call an ambulance but I had to.

Why? Has he been drinking? Yes. What? For how long? Since he came out of hospital last time? Yes. How can that be, he has been sober when I spoke to him, this doesn’t add up.

How the hell has he got alcohol? He can’t walk? He got 3 bottles of cider at the shop.

None of this is adding up in my mind. I can’t talk to him his phone is off, only his girlfriend to give me information. They an doing ECG on him, they are not concerned about his mental state. From what she was telling me he will be discharged tonight.

I did eventually get to speak to him, I asked what the hell was going on, he just wanted to tell me he was going to be discharged but didn’t know how he would get home.

I told him that was his problem, if he could get out to get alcohol he could get home.

Once again I am feeling so disappointed, my fault, I should have learnt by now.

But I couldn’t help but just call him. He’s home, so I could ask him the question, how and when did you start drinking. I didn’t  want to, that’s why I went cold turkey last time, yes, so why and how did you start drinking again.? The only way is if she bought you alcohol? If she loved you and wasn’t drinking herself she wouldn’t do that? She wants you to drink so she can.

I have left him with that, telling him, he has to make some decisions. I’m angry, so angry with her, not with Faith although he has again chosen to drink. I thought this was a chance for both of them, I was so ready to support them.

Now I just feel empty, sad, he’s going to die, and she’s helping him along the way.

I have tried so many times to walk away from this.

Maybe this is the time I need to do it again for him and for me.

Laughter in the face of adversity

IMG_6895Well not a lot has changed since I last wrote, but a fair bit has happened.

I’m going to share with you what I think has been Faiths most ummmm most traumatic, strange, sad yet funny moment yet. This has to be anonymous, otherwise I could not share, you will understand why.

He has been drinking, no shock there! But wanting to stop. I’m sure you will know by now there is no where you can go and say OK I want to stop drinking , can you help me. It doesn’t work like that.

So he went cold turkey. Thank god I didn’t know, he didn’t tell me and as he had been drinking I hadn’t been in regular contact with him, I try to step back when he is.

So when he phoned me last week to “catch up” I was surprised to hear him sober and even more surprised when he told me he had been sober for a week.  I was like “what? How did that happen? When? How did I miss this? He thought I knew.

The even more surprising (OK I didn’t believed him) news was that his partner was also sober. How on earth did I miss this?

Where have I been? Normally if he was detoxing on his own I would be going through it with him, the sickness, everything else that is so awful when someone addicted to alcohol just stops drinking. What no fits and paramedics?

Anyway, somehow he got through it and I didn’t have to go through the pain with him. Bloody wonderful and wonderous.

Isnt that just great? Yes to good to be true. Thursday last week he called me, I was at work.

Hang on a moment Faith let me get somewhere more private

“This is my goodbye call mum, I’m going to die”

Sorry Faith, what did you say?

“I am going to die mum, my veins are joining up, they told me I am going to die, my skin is falling off, they are crawling out of my skin”

OK Faith, don’t panic, do you remember when you detox your brain does odd things, you see things that aren’t real, please believe me, I am your mum, this is your brain playing tricks on you, you are fine. None of this is real even though you think it is.

“you don’t believe me , I will send you a video, you will see all these creatures on my skin”

Faith sent me a video of a very shaky but plain hand.

Its fine, I can’t see anything, please believe me.

I noticed from the video that he was down the beach, I was concerned he would go into the water to wash off the creatures. So I told him to go home, I thought he would be safer.

He agreed he would go home, I went back to work but kept trying to call him, but he didn’t answer.

5pm, I’m about to leave work , I get a call from his girlfriend.

“Please I need your help, Faith has jumped from the bathroom window, the first responders are here, I need to go to hospital with him but I have no money to get home on the bus, can you help me”

OK, here we go again……

It appears he jumped naked from the bathroom window, after stripping off, because his clothes were full of these creature

Of course, I sent money, if she goes it means I don’t have to.

So he was in hospital for a few days, not many, the Psych team were supposed to see him but they were busy, obviously jumping naked from your bathroom window is not a major trauma.

So now he is back home with “boots” on both feet as he has broken, bruised or whatever to his feet.

You know what that means? He can’t walk to the shop and buy alcohol? Hallel bloody ujah. Sorry if I offend anyone.

And I can laugh with him, about the fact that he could have been stuck, half in, half out, completely naked, of his bathroom window.

I can laugh with him about the fact that he was completely naked on a Thursday afternoon outside his flat refusing to put his pants on because they were full of creatures..

I can laugh with him because today he is sober and that is all that matters.

And you can understand why this has to be completely unanimous.

His dignity, the little he has, needs to be protected .

So hopefully this is a spell of sobriety, but I know isolation and depression will set in, I will try to help him, when he is sober I will do whatever I can to support him.

Sober and depressed is to me a million times better than him being under the influence.

Bye for now….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I should be happy but I’m very very frightened

IMG_66342 days, that’s all, 2 days and I will be flying off to the sun (although looking at the forecast I would be better staying here). I should be feeling excited, but I’m really really concerned for Faith, and he is sober!

After yet another emergency admission to hospital and a five day detox (the two week detox never happened) Faith is back out and living with his drinking girlfriend. But this hospital admission was different. In the past he has been warned he is at the point where his liver will develop cirrhosis if he continues to drink. This time he was told to forget that, he will go straight to liver failure.

Update update….. I started writing that a few weeks ago.

I went on holiday and oh my god he stayed sober for the time I was away. I think he actually made 5 nearly 6 weeks sober. But of course, living with another alcoholic eventually got to him.

He has been drinking for about two weeks now. Well he was until yet another hospital admission yesterday. (I so must start this chart of expenses to the NHS)

He was left in the corridor as they were busy where he had a major fit.

He had been admitted because he had been sick with fresh blood

They were thinking about taking him to resus because his heart ♥ was struggling. This is the third time now his body is starting to give up.

But, after yet another intrusive expensive camera down his throat, white blood cells  and vitamins into his veins he seems to have recovered.

Enough to apparently maybe go home tomorrow. But I know, 3 days? 3 days is not enough for him not to have the DT’s?

Surely they will not send him home saying “drink small amounts of alcohol”

All I know is he cannot go back to that flat with his drinking partner.

If he does will his next hospital admission be his last?

I am burying my parents ashes on the 11th September.

The plot is big enough for 4.

Please please god don’t let me be putting my son in there to join them 😭

I am running out of hope and things to say.

Life just seems to be on repeat with just a little more anxiety each time.

In fact I think for the first time in my life I am starting to have anxiety, awake in the night not being able to calm my racing mind. I guess I have done well up until now to be OK.

But what choice do I have, I still love Faith, I will until my last breath as any mother would. But, I am facing the facts that my last breath will be after his.

Sorry, a rather negative post, I guess that’s how I’m feeling right now.

We have made peace with each other

IMG_4430Tonight I think I have had the most honest and open discussion with Faith that I have ever had. I believed every sad word that he said and we cried over the phone together.

I have seen things changing slowly over the last months and tonight I think we were both brutally honest with each other.

He knows he is on a very thin line, if he doesn’t stop drinking soon he will die. He wants to, and does have the chance of an in hospital detox, but he needs to ask for it very clearly himself. I believe he will.

But he still has the problem of his live in alcoholic girlfriend who is still in denial. He has to make the decision himself of how he is going to deal with it. He loves her, of that I have no doubt, be it the love of a fellow human who suffers as they both do, I don’t know, I can’t answer that.

My advice to him was to go and talk about it to as many people as he can, I pray they all give him the same advice that I give him. Trying to instill in him the things I have learnt at alanon, he is not helping her by letting her live with him and carry on drinking, she too will lose herself to this dreadful disease.

Tonight I pray, they both find the strength to do what they must do.

Please don’t let me lose my son.

Less contact and a period of calm for me, but it doesn’t take away the worry

Well it hasn’t been exactly no contact over the last few days but it has been minimal and I have refused to be drawn into their dramas.

I finally had a phonecall apologising. It wasn’t a total apology and I still don’t think Faith realised how wrong and hurtful he had been. They tried to tell me the police had called and apologised to them!  What!!!  Are you serious?  I honestly believe they don’t know what is fact and what is fiction in their alcohol affected brains.

I’m afraid I didn’t just accept his apology simply because I felt he was saying sorry but he didn’t know what for.  I told him very clearly about the untruths he and Hope had accused me of. He couldn’t grasp what I was saying and phoned me later asking questions but he had the whole situation confused again.

I’m worried his brain is being permanently affected now.

The next time he called, I let it go to answerphone, he was looking for sympathy again.  “We are both sick,  we must have picked up a bug, we can’t keep water down”

This is where, what to you or me would just be an annoying unpleasant thing to deal with,  for a dependant alcoholic, it can be much more serious.  If you can’t keep water down you can’t keep alcohol down either. Which then causes much more serious symptoms.

I just replied by message “You had better both go to hospital then”

That’s all,  no sympathy.

I later hear they both were admitted to hospital at different times.  Faith was kept in for 2 days.

He called to let me know he was on his way home,  again it went to answerphone.  It was good to hear him sounding sober.

But I know it won’t last,  the hospital will have discharged him telling him to have small amounts of alcohol to help with the symptoms of withdrawal.

I didn’t believe this,  until I heard it for myself.

He is an alcoholic,  he can’t have “just a small amount”

So he will return to his drinking, I know this for a fact.

So it has worked for me, stepping back, life for me has been calmer.

It doesn’t stop this ache in my heart and fear in my stomach though.

Exhausted with the chaos

My posts might be a bit mixed up and sporadic.  I write when I have time and when I feel I must.

I actually don’t know how to write about today.  It started last night. Faith had come out of hospital that day and he was sober.  I cannot explain how good it feels to talk to someone who is sober after days or weeks of rubbish conversations.  Well they are not conversations, just me listening.

He called about 10pm to complain about his also alcoholic girlfriend. She had gone up to the shop with his bank card to buy them a pizza.  In her muddled alcohol soaked brain she had put in her pin not his and the cash machine ate his bank card.  Now I need to mention he has no photo ID as he has lost both his passport and driving licence at different drunken times. So the still in detox without supporting medication alcoholic is dealing with another alcoholics chaotic life.  I calm him,  tomorrow it will be sorted.  30 minutes later,  11pm ish,  another call,  she has tidied up while he has been in hospital,  and now can’t remember where she put all his bank papers.  A lot of expletions……

I calm him a little and try to sleep.

6.30 next morning he is on the phone.

I think I have to give his girlfriend a name now…. lets call her “Hope” how fitting, Faith and Hope.

He has walked out of his flat because Hope thinks it’s only 6am in the morning, it is in fact 6.30 am, she wants to sleep, Faith thinks it’s about 11am, he has had enough, all she does is sleep, and these other guys in the room “are they twins?” I am thinking woah,  what’s going on here, it doesn’t take long, the withdrawal symptoms of confusion are here, out in the real world.

I call 111, I know he needs to be back in hospital.  “If your not with him,  there is nothing we can do,  call the police”.  Oh I’ve been here before,  mental health,  the support is zero.

I call Faith. He is sat on a wall by a busy road. He’s not sure where.  I get some details of what he is wearing.

So I call the police,  not 999 just the none emergency number. It rings for 10 minutes before someone answers,  I’m watching the clock as I need to get into work.  They take all the details but say if he doesn’t want to go to hospital they can’t make him.  I tell them I realise that but when he is in hospital and sick like this they take away his rights to leave.  Still the same answer but they will check on him.

I call Faith again. He has gone back to his flat and he and his girlfriend are in the middle of a big argument. It’s impossible to talk to Faith as he is too busy shouting at Hope.  I ask to talk to her,  ask her to be quiet for a moment so I can talk to Faith,  it doesn’t work,  I put down the phone.

I’m late for work, I rush to get ready.  Faith calls again,  he’s left the flat, he’s not going back.  As I’m driving to work I call the police again.  Yes as I am driving I call the police!  All the time I am driving I am looking for the next place I can pull over safely to talk when they answer.  I’m actually just walking into work when they answer.  I try to explain that Faith may appear drunk but he’s not,  I think it’s important they know that.  She interrupts me to say she has an update on the case.

“We called him on his phone and spoke to him, he is fine, we have no cause for concern ”

I try to explain that he might say he is but he is not.  She is very dismissive. I’m just a neurotic mother,  she has more pressing problems. I can tell that’s what she’s thinking.

As I walk through the doors of my work place, late, I struggle to keep back the tears,  she might be busy soon dealing with a road traffic accident, unidentified male has walked out into busy traffic…….

So there we have it,  it’s 8.45 and I feel like I have run a marathon but have a full day at work ahead of me.

I try to forget,  I work.  At lunchtime I call him again.  He is sat in Macdonalds eating a burger Hope bought him.  Yeah he’s fine,  has no recollection of anything that happened earlier that day, “Why was I concerned?”

I can tell he’s better than he was and certainly less agitated, it’s good he’s eating. That always seems to help with the healing of his brain.

When I get home from work I feel total exhaustion.  I can’t explain it. This is the impact the alcoholic has on my life. This is why al-anon tell me to step back and let go,  for my sanity.

How in God’s name do I do that?

Did my son really need Resusitation?

IMG_0616.JPGI knew the respite would not last for long. I thought it would end when Faiths girlfriend had enough and went back home. But that wasn’t the case.

I had a phone all at work from Faiths girlfriend, she sounded distraught, I had trouble understanding what had happened. What I grasped was Faith had been at the doctors, he fitted while he was there, he had another fit in the ambulance. He is now in resus , they are working on him, “they had to revive him”

OK, so remember I’m at work. My boss and close colleagues know about Faith. They don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want them to make exceptions, I don’t want Faith to have any effect on my work life. I have been here so many times, I don’t up and leave, it would have happened so many times if I did. But I have never heard those words before “they had to revive him”

I try to put things in perspective, he has been blue lighted to hospital a fair few times. I know how alcoholics exaggerate, I’m sure they didn’t need to revive him, they never let relatives in while they are trying to stabilise someone. There is no point rushing there, I couldn’t do anything, he is in good hands. Work is ridiculously busy due to Easter, it wouldn’t go down well if I left now. And ….. I am trying to step back.

I knew it didn’t go down well with his girlfriend, but hey, this is exactly what you do to your parents! She thought I didn’t care when I said can you keep me updated.

So I carried on working, one eye on my phone. I hold a pretty responsible job and could make a mistake which could cost my company thousands, it was hard keeping my concentration. I called her again, she still wasn’t allowed in.

When I get home I finally hear he is OK, in fact “would you like to talk to him” How could he be so ill then able to talk to me? I decide I won’t go and see him, tonight was my only night of the week where I go and do my thing, I’m too tired to go. He has impacted on my life again.

A little insight into why he gets so ill.

Faith has been drinking for over a month. As I know only too well his body starts to reject the alcohol, he starts being sick. Because in the end he can’t keep alcohol down he goes into withdrawal. That is why he had a fit.

I will explain more next time, I did say I would talk about wet brain, tonight Faith is still in hospital, I have just had a lovely conversation with him, he told me all about the long walk he had today, about being on a bus, the bargain burger the lovely lady served him, he doesn’t know why his girlfriend changed her name, all while he has been safe in hospital.

Thank you wonderful hospital staff, I don’t know how you do it. I hope he sleeps tonight, I know how difficult he can be when he is confused, You have the patience of saints, where would we both be without you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Tomorrow I will visit him ,

Tonight my only positive thought is

I know they will keep him safe 

Stepping back, enabling, how to know when or when not?

I have to write this now.  Yesterday I was talking about encouraging Faiths girlfriends family to speak out and stop enabling.  Also, how I could step back and not worry because I knew there was someone who could step in and call the emergency services if necessary.

I’ve read lots about stepping back and letting go.  I have done this in the past and it pushed Faith to dark place’s,  which I was told was what would need to happen for Faith to get to a place where he wanted recovery enough to make it happen.

He has slept on the streets, been homeless, he has been abused because he was not sober enough to realise what was happening, he has been arrested, he has been so weak through malnutrition that he could not stand, he could have bled to death as he had such a low count of blood clotting cells, he has broken ribs, collar bones fingers and toes, been covered and I don’t exaggerate in bruises, and he has lost his mind. and still he continues to drink. I can’t see a place that’s worse than this other than death.

I read with interest how other mothers have been strong and refused to give money and have stepped back with the wonderful results that their child no longer drinks and how wonderful that is, how hard it was for their mothers to do this.

What about me? I’ve done this, so why do I still have to watch him destroy himself? Did I not do it well enough? Do I have to do more?

When I read back through my old blogs I see I was  enabling, I was learning also, but without a teacher. But I learnt, and I have disowned him, threw him out, didn’t contact him, refused to have him back in my home. What else can I do?

So really what I’m saying is, yeah I get enabling, but there comes a point when you are so scared for their life you have no choice but to step in. I am positive there have been two occasions where, had I not checked on him because I was concerned for him and called an ambulance he would be dead. That final place.

Which leaves me with thoughts of why do some people win this fight with alcohol, while others are taken by it? It can’t just be that the ones that died were enabled to do so? It must come from within that person, how strong they are, how much they want to live?

My worry is Faith is not that strong.

So please don’t judge me and say I am enabling.

While I write this Faith is in hospital, I will write more about this and “wet brain” next time.

I nearly forgot my positive note, I’m really struggling with this one today, I guess it has to be

Through my sons struggles, I have found how how strong I am.

I have just been looking through the many drafts that I have never published and found this, I would have written it in 2015 around the time I have finally accepted that Faith was an alcoholic. It links very well with what I have written above, this was my early days of learning about…….

 

Letting go

Letting go, something that was talked about a lot at the al-anon classes I went to.

It took me a long time to get it.

This is my story of my journey to the place where I let go of my son and his alcoholism and handed him over to his own higher power.

Faith had lost his very lovely girlfriend to the alcohol. She went. she’d had enough of his lies and secret drinking and just his drunkenness. She had tried very hard, but the addiction won every time.

I had become involved in the arguments and I would shout and scream,”Why can’t you just stop drinking, why are you doing this, why are you like this?” So many nights of arguments, telling him he needed help,not knowing where to go to get him the help.

He lived with me, he had come back after he split with his previous girlfriend, I thought because she had a drink problem, I can laugh at that now.

And then his job went, it was suggested he handed in his notice before he was sacked, alcohol had been smelt on him too many times and too many days of calling in sick.

I thought he could not afford to live somewhere on his own, I have always worked, never claimed benefits, I didn’t know how the system worked or anyone that could tell me. So I had no choice other than to let him live with me.

The drinking escalated, I didn’t know I was enabling him, I didn’t know he was piling up huge debts on his credit cards to pay for the alcohol.

He finally admitted he needed help, the months went on, he sometimes managed to get himself to meeting that he was supposed to go to, sometimes not.

He hated himself, he cut himself, how many times I was called into his bedroom in the night because he had cut himself. “if only you would stop drinking, everything would get better” more shouting, screaming and crying. I didn’t understand that he could not stop.

Then what I thought was our salvation, He was given 2 weeks rehabilitation.

I remember taking him, He could only be admitted if his alcohol limit was below a certain level, He sat with a bucket between his legs, being sick and shaking. I cried when I left him, but the relief of not having to worry about what state he would be in when I came home from work, not being woken in the night by him hitting the walls because he hated himself, not having to listen to his crying or being sick, was immense.

My son had been saved. He could do this I knew it. When I went to see him for the first time I was sat down and asked if I had any questions. I had lots, and then I asked “What are the chances of him drinking again” Oh I was so naïve, and when I got the answer I was devastated, it was very rare for this to work first time, most patients needed many admissions. Oh but my son was different.

I picked him up the same day that I took his sister to the airport to go off on her travels. I cried twice that day, once because I felt I was loosing my daughter, if only for a while, and again because I had got my lovely sober son back.

I can’t remember how long it lasted, but it wasn’t long and we were back to the same chaotic distressing unhappy lives.

It was then that I decided that I needed help and eventually found Al Anon. But of course I went looking for help for my son.

I remember that first meeting, a few people spoke about their recovered alcoholic. Ah so there was a cure, I was desperate to find out how they had done it…..

 

As things are now…

IMG_0568Well my last blog was a pretty basic update on how things have been for the last two years.  I have so many other events to share.  I call them events because I can’t call them stories,  they are just things that happen because Faith is an alcoholic. Things that happen in his life and consequently affect mine.

But first I need to explain how things are now.

Faiths girlfriend has now moved in with him. She lived with her parents and, after a drunken episode, things came to a head,  as they do,  and she walked out.

In a way I blame myself. Here parents were in the trap of pretending. Pretending she wasn’t drinking so much. Afraid of her reaction if they dared to face her with the truth. Afraid themselves of speaking the truth.  I knew, as I had been there. I knew the consequences of trying to make them face their alcoholism, and you as a parent feeling you let them down in some way. How did this happen to that little child you held in your arms and protected from the world? But I also knew to help her they had to do it.  No more hiding it and talking behind her back about it.  No more hiding it from the family.  I knew the shame of telling family members your child was an alcoholic.

I also knew that this was enabling. So I encouraged them to speak more openly with her and other close family members about it.  Force her to face it. And they did.  It was no longer a secret. But I guess she couldn’t cope with that and the consequences of family knowing,  wasn’t ready herself.

So she did exactly what Faith did.  She ran from the truth.  Didn’t want to hear it,  so forced a situation that gave herself the right to run away. Put more hurt on her loving family,  because to stay with them meant she had to face her own self loathing and be truthful. So just like Faith she chose to run,  and she had the perfect (not what you or I would call perfect) place to run to.  Somewhere she could drink and not be judged for drinking.

So now they live together,  not because they love each other (although I think they do in their own way)  but because now they can both drink and not be judged.  But of course,  two alcoholics living together brings its own dose of madness.

Faith is back drinking daily, unable to moderate his drinking.

Over time I have learnt to step back when he is, there is no point trying to talk to him, I just wait for the next crisis to happen as I know it will.

This time I have been able to step right back. He has someone with him now who will call an ambulance if necessary, encourage him to eat and see the doctor. So I can relax and let go, actually try to forget for a while. I know she brings new problems, but at the moment I am able to let go, but not worry, too much.

So my positive today is……

“I really can let go and relax, sleep at night without worrying, nearly be normal”

That was until the call I got an hour ago 😦