Time to step back again and let go.

I feel the time coming again, when I must step back and let go.

I cannot continue to deal with this chaos in my life every day.
I was asked to become more involved in Faiths life by the professionals whose care he was under.
Now it looks like they might be stepping back, they did promise me they wouldn’t give up on him.

He was told by his buddy on Friday that she didn’t think her help was working.

But this was after challenging his sexuality again, telling him there was someone else he could talk to about it if he would be happier doing so. They are looking for a reason for his drinking. Panic attacks and a lack of confidence are the reason he started, addiction is the reason he drinks now. I know they are just barking up the wrong tree,
Once again he felt he was being attacked.

I don’t want to put too much information on here but when he was in the depths of alcoholism, when I had thrown him out, when he had no friends no-where to stay, he was offered what he thought was a safe drinking place and a friend.
And now he has just been reminded of it again. It does make me angry when so-called professionals don’t actually understand what depths an alcoholic will go to, to get their fix.
They understood this man was a threat to Faith and suggested he removed his number from his phone, which he did. They couldn’t tell him to erase the memory of his address.
So this chat happened on Thursday. Thursday Faith was sober. Until he had this conversation with his buddy.
What does an alcoholic do when put in a situation they can’t deal with? Fight or flight? He’s never been a fighter, so he ran, straight to the nearest supermarket.
Friday he called me. Told me he had his meeting and it hadn’t been great, also told me he’d had a drink but had stopped now.
Like I believed that!
So Saturday morning my parents were visiting, I called Faith and suggested he might want to pop round and see them. “Oh Yeah, of course” he said.
In a way I knew it was a bit of a test, if he turned up he was sober, if he didn’t he was drinking.
He didn’t, he called me instead.
Mum I’m drinking and I need to tell you something.
So he then told me the full facts about the meeting, he was very upset. “Why don’t they understand all I want is s normal life with a wife and children, I am not gay, I was just very lonely and stupid, and I am still very lonely. I lost my beautiful girlfriend through drinking, I still miss her everyday. Why don’t they get it, why do they keep talking about my sexuality”
And I believe him, totally,

So I need to go shopping. I had planned parents in the morning, shopping in the afternoon. I need shoes and jacket for a wedding on Thursday. So I have to go. I need that me time, I know I will be angry if I don’t. I also know Faith desperately needs to talk, but this is where he must find someone else to talk to, It can’t be me all the time.
I tell him I have to go.
Right decision for me.
Wrong decision was taking my mobile.
So he calls, I’m in the middle of trying on shoes, he’s pretty incomprehensible, angry, upset, drunk. I say I thought we had talked about this and after you had shared with me you were going to let it go?
I’m trying to talk to the shop assistant selling me shoes at the same time. I tell him i cant talk right now. “OK I will go and cut my wrists then”
The phone goes dead.
I’ve heard the threat many times, he has done it in the past, but never meaning to actually kill himself. Every time I hear it though I hope it wont be the one time he does.
And the shoes don’t fit either.
Time for some refreshment, I have just sat down in the café when my phone rings again.
I reluctantly answer.
This time I’m aware straight away that something is really wrong, he’s breathless and very upset. “He’s called the police, he made an advance on me so I hit him, he pulled his emergency cord and said he needed the police, I’ve run mum, he fell, they will arrest me, where are you? I’m running, they are going to arrest me”
I try to talk to him, tell him he needs to go back and explain what happened, it will be Ok but you must go back and talk to the police. He’s panicking, wont listen. I tell him “You have phoned asking for my help, this is what I suggest you do, you are in this situation because of your drinking, you have made the problem, you have to deal with it, it is not my problem, take my advice or leave it”
Then of course I get “I’m running, I’m going to kill myself” The phone goes dead.

Something in his drunken mixed up head has made him go back to this place, and in his drunken mixed up head he thinks this is the way he can show people that they are wrong in what they are thinking.

I am exhausted. The joy of the shopping trip gone. I just want to cry. I look around at the other people in the café, happy chatting, think they have no idea of this phone call I have just had, this life I live. Then sensibility kicks in, i don’t know what their lives are like either, who knows what pain they are feeling right now.
Back to the first shop I went to.
And two pairs of shoes so I can decide at home, I really don’t care much now.
Faith calls later, can you talk to (?) But I haven’t got much signal, we are cut off. I don’t return the call.
Food shopping and home. Drained. A takeaway tonight I think.
About 8 he calls, I am in hospital, I ask why, because the doctor told me I needed to be here
“mum I can’t drink much without getting ill”
“Wrong Faith, one drink and you are sick again. You can’t have one drink”
“I know mum, I know”
I finish by telling him I am glad he’s in hospital, and I am, because he is safe there.

So this is all impacting so much on my life again, I know I must step back, I’m sorry, I have to look after me.
But I will just drop an email to the place where he went for rehab before I do.
You never know x

And so here we are again…………………………

I haven’t been here for a while.

I have been having a sense of normality. A normal life.

We visited the doctor and Faith was given some tablets to help him detox. That was Thursday last week, but I was going away Friday and I am supposed to be in charge of his tablets. He needed to detox, I needed my week end away, So we just didn’t tell the doctor. I think if we had she wouldn’t have given Faith the tablets. I wouldn’t have gone with him to the doctors if I didn’t believe he was safe medicating himself.

So I went away, I was aware all week end of what he was going through but managed to put it to the back of my mind. We did stay in contact so that I knew he was OK, but I did try hard to forget for a while.

And he did it, on his own, so we have had a whole week and a bit sober. He was back, this son of mine.

Thanks to some lovely people who have contacted me, he has found some online support which I know has helped him immensely. But I know he needs to go to meetings and get that face to face support.

So I spoke to him Thursday. He’s been unable to attend any of his support groups due to yet another red tape mess up. I knew he was struggling, that sixth sense, so suggested he went to an afternoon AA meeting which I know he has been to before. He replied he might.

Well he didn’t go, Friday he called me, I had a drink. Yeah well that’s no shock, I did say to him “if you had gone to that meeting Faith you might well be sober now” He replied “Yes I know”

So here we are again, he asked to come back to my house. This time I did say “remember my new rule, if you do come here you have to attend AA meetings”. Yes I will when I’m feeling better, I’m not well enough to attend a meeting. I replied that maybe he wasn’t well enough but, he had been, and he hadn’t gone. I know this is where I have got to get tougher again.

So last night he was here in his room. He is frightened, he’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is, he cries, he knows all about wet brain, as do I, this is concerning, but then Faiths whole life is concerning. There’s not much I can say other than if he stops drinking now he could be OK.

Today I had to go out again, I refuse to let his illness impact my life totally. I try to minimise the chaos.

He called me many times but I had my phone on silent. I did call him twice calming him.

When I came home I wasn’t convinced he hadn’t had a drink, I checked his bag, I can’t check everywhere in his room, He swore he hadn’t, he said it was just the confusion. I’m not convinced but can’t prove otherwise.

As I have sat here writing this he has come downstairs and walked out of the front door.

Just gone,  into the night, this oh so thin, oh so sick, gentle guy and I didn’t stop him. I now know he was drinking today.

There is nothing I can do, I am helpless over alcohol.

I just pray one day he will learn that lesson.

And so here we go again…………………

Electric shocks and yet more disappointments

Well I can’t say life is boring, exhausting, trying, sad but not boring when there is an alcoholic in your family.

I went to bed last night thinking “Thank god his buddy is back tomorrow, she can take over”

He messaged me at 11.15, I was in bed but not asleep, yes he messaged me from the bedroom next to mine as he doesn’t like to disturb my partner.

“Please I need to talk to you” I was so tired, do I ignore it , pretend I didn’t see it? Would I be able to sleep if I did?

So “what’s wrong then?” That was a pretty stupid statement, but I meant more wrong than going through withdrawal, more wrong that he needed to talk to me at this time in the night.

“Do you remember when I said it took me an hour to walk here and I stepped out in front of 2 cars on the way because I didn’t know what I was doing?”

Oh I had forgotten that not!! yes, and?

“Well I didn’t come straight here”

Ok so?

” I went to Trevor’s”

My blood chilled.

“Oh OK, and?

“He wanted me to change a light bulb” This was the one person he had agreed not to contact, the one we all felt had other ideas on his agenda for Faith.

“He told me it was switched off” he started crying, it appeared it wasn’t switched off and it gave him an electric shock strong enough to throw him across the room. “and he just laughed”

I didn’t laugh, I have had a shock before and that is exactly what it does, it shocks you, and the feeling remains for a long time.

Really? What else do you want to throw at this son of mine, I ask???

But, it didn’t kill you I tell him, now is not your time, even though he had been asking the night before to end it all, isn’t this a sign for you to keep on fighting? If you were going to die wouldn’t that have been it?

Ok, he calms, I try to sleep.

Next morning at work I message his buddy who is returning to work. I tell her how much I am struggling and feeling I am supporting Faith on my own with no support myself.

She replies she is heading into the office to catch up on what’s happened in the last 2 weeks, (Nothing as far as they are concerned) but she has to leave at 12.30 as she has to attend a funeral.

WTF? I’m sorry, I try not to swear but after waiting 2 weeks for her return to work she is still not available.

I have also told Faith to make an appointment with his doctor. When I speak to him he tells me she is not in this week. OK at this point I start to falter, I want to cry, but I am at work, they offer him an appointment with a different doctor on Thursday.

I just feel everything his so-called support has put in place has failed, what was the point in meeting with his doctor? He needs her and she’s not there, he needs the support of his buddy, she’s not there, he needs medication, he can’t get it, I feel totally alone and so must he.

He calls me in the afternoon to say he has gone back to his flat as he can’t stay at mine. My partner has no work at the moment so is home, he doesn’t feel easy being around him when I’m not there.

I’m relieved he’s not at my home when I get home, I call him and ask him not to lose what he has gained by cutting back his alcohol while at my house.

I feel drained.

And its only Monday!