I’m just lost and broken

I don’t know how to find the energy and strength to carry on.

I’m struggling, really struggling. I feel so very alone. The support for family’s of alcoholics in this area is pathetic. I am wallowing in sadness. And ha ha would you believe I’ve started to drink to numb the pain. How absolutely ridiculous is that? (That took some admitting) But I hear it’s not so uncommon. As I am writing this I know, a voice inside me that has been quiet is starting to get louder. To save myself I must do something, I can’t save my son but I can save me and I just know I have to start now. So tomorrow I am going to revisit my local alanon group.

its been quite a long time since I last went. I found the lady that ran it was very angry with her alcoholic, and she expected everyone else to be angry. When I tried to explain that I was just desperately sad she didn’t seem to want to accept that. Yes I get angry, I do get so bloody angry, but it is frustration, not anger at my son, just anger at this god damn awful consuming disease. The whole meeting seemed to have a depressing atmosphere. It might be different now, I hope so, if it’s not I am going to make it change, or at least try.

I will put an update on here, that’s me making a statement so I have to do it. After work tomorrow I know I will be thinking I can’t be bothered, but I must, I have to get a life back other than that of a mother of an alcoholic.

I’ve been to see Faith tonight, he’s in a dreadful state now, health, mental and financially. It breaks me to see him like that and I feel so very helpless, so broken.

I hope I can get fixed a little tomorrow. I can’t go on as I am I have to do something.

 

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FAMILY…the word, brings so many emotions

IMG_3323I’ve just looked back on my last post and realised I obviously didn’t proof read it! But it was sent from the heart, I just typed, it was what I was thinking. I sometimes forget that others read my words, which really are just my thoughts.

So last time I was here I was feeling pretty low. I am again tonight, probably why I am drawn to my blog, to write, it somehow eases the hurt.

I have been lucky enough to have another short break, with a very very dear friend. She manages to ground me, her laughter heals me, her problems bring mine into line. Brain haemorrhage, breast cancer, a husband who contracted food poisoning and was left paralysed. Yes really, and on this holiday, her beloved grandson was diagnosed as autistic. There is actually more, but that’s on a very personal level I feel I can’t mention on here. So you see, how can I complain? Her laughter, her positive outlook on life rubs off on everyone around her. Unfortunately she lives a long distance from me so I only get to feel it occasionally.

So back to my son, Faith.

Nothing has changed. He had a fall due to being intoxicated which lead to  wound to his head and hospital for one night.

I am trying to arrange a family gathering for my fathers 90th birthday. Shouldn’t this just be such a wonderful celebration? Not in this family.

I have had bit of a meltdown, yes me, who hardly ever sheds a tear, sorts everyone else’s problems, but found suddenly, enough was enough. I have held back my feelings from family members to protect my elderly parents from further upset, they have had enough believe me, for far too long.

Money has always been an issue within the family, my parents on a basic pension, my younger brother has hardly worked in the last 10 years, my older brother has worked but found himself made redundant many times and living on a boat supporting his partially sighted partner. Divorce after 25 years married has had its impact on me financially, starting again with a mortgage which will be paid off shortly before I retire. But out of all of us I am the most financially secure, even though I work hard, full time to achieve that.

So I find myself helping out, my son who is in absolute dire straights financially. His benefits were stopped due to sick notes going missing, it has taken 3 months to finally get some benefits for him, in the meantime I have paid his rent and taken food parcels to him. Because he was getting no benefits he could not even register for the food bank. His girlfriend has of course supplied him with money for alcohol.

But finally his benefits be they meagre, have arrived in his account. And he has gone on a drinking spree. I have spoken to him in his drunken stupor, no, I have cried to him in his drunken stupor “your wonderful grandad who adores you, his eldest grandchild, is celebrating 90 years on this earth, and I cannot invite you to his celebrations” how that hurt to say. Especially when their step grandaughter who was not invited due to their limited finances (she of course said she would pay her family’s way) but as she wasn’t invited now refuses to come even though I have told her how welcome she would be.

At the same time my younger brother is going through a court case to try and have some custody of his son, of which I am totally in the middle, with his x wife. I have spoken truthfully with the social worker assigned to the case about my feelings towards my brother and his dominating controlling behaviour, his x wife’s lack of parenting skills, that poor child in the middle.

There was more upset with my parents over the celebration meal, my mum who is now partially deaf but refuses to acknowledge it , said she had not had enough say, the meal is too expensive (I opted for a roast, in a hotel that was easily accessible for people that were travelling) it’s just an average price, they are out of touch with prices, and I have asked for their opinion always.

I feel beaten tonight, well this week really. Tonight is my one night I have time to myself and go to a fun exercise class. I couldn’t face it.

And the very worst thing is? I have bought a bottle of wine, to ease the pain.

Will my next blog be (10 days sober)

At the moment I’m feeling that is a real possibility.

 

 

I want to go to the top of a mountain and just scream

I’ve not been here for a while.Ii have had a wonderful 10 day holiday, when I have chilled, relaxed and just for a few hours forgotten.

It has been wonderful. I did get one phone call but I dealt with it and then realised there was nothing I could do so I let it go…..

But I’m back, to work stress, my brother and x sister-in-law stress and my sons alcoholism. I have had enough from my brother and can no longer hold my thoughts within my head, they come tumbling out of my mouth, I think I have finally had enough.

Today Faith called me, I had stepped back, I’ve not spoken to him in a while. His white blood count is very low, his doctor is contacting the hospital, he needs to be in, it’s pretty serious. I just suggest he calls an ambulance. No I will not take him in, I know this is the reason he has called me.. I have stepped back.

It it does not stop this feeling I have that I want to stand on a high spot away from everyone and just scream and scream.

i want just an average family, 3 children, plus a few grand children, I should have one average child surely?

So tonight I want to scream, but I won’t, as ever it will be suppressed, because that Is how life is, isn’t it?

 

 

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I know I need to go into rehab….

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As usual I don’t know where to start. How to describe this chaos that hard as I try not to, I get sucked into.

Once again I am on holiday cover at work. Another really stressful job,  made worse by the fact my boss “helps” because I’m sure she doesn’t have faith that I can do the job.  It involves allocating to accounts all payments that come in that day, BACS, cheque’s and cash, balancing and banking them. I’m not talking small amounts here either in quantity or entry’s. The lady I am covering has worked doing this job since forever.  It obviously takes me longer as I’m not used to doing it and there is s deadline when you have to get to the bank. Sorry to go into detail about this but just wanted to explain how it is genuinely stressful for me.

So I purposely leave my mobile in my handbag.  Fridays are particularly busy as staff can buy goods that day so the amount of cash being handled goes up. Even though I’m running behind I decide to take a very quick lunch break (salad is difficult to eat at your desk).

I make the mistake of checking my phone,  3 missed calls from Faith. I don’t call him.  Just as I finish my lunch he calls again. So get ready, here we go again……

“mum I’m really worried about Hope, she went out this morning and she’s not answering her phone, she’s been gone ages, she was only popping to the local shop, she was confused, I’m really really worried” All this in the slurred voice of a drunk, repeating himself and not making too much sense.

I tell him there is nothing I can do,  I have to get back to my desk, I suggest he calls the hospital to check she hasn’t been admitted “I have already I think I should call her mum and the police and report her as missing”  Now if you have read my earlier posts you will know this has happened before on two occasions, one being my birthday so I tell him not to call her parents or the police,  she will turn up.

Back to working, it’s full on as I am now under pressure to get this banking finished and balanced. My boss is ‘helpfully’ listing cheques for me, she is backwards and forwards to my desk.  My phone is on my desk and I ignore it’s ringing (it’s on silent but it vibrates)  I should have put it out of sight in my bag.  Hey guess what? The cheques don’t balance so now my boss is standing at my desk going through them with me,  time is ticking.  My phone rings again,  I see she notes it. I ignore it.  I noticed it was From Hopes mother. Cheques now balanced and another rush to get the cash balanced,  I’m winging it now, it doesn’t quite balance but I have no time to check it so finally,  phew, it’s all done and sent to the bank.  I take a deep breath, I still have lots to do but the time pressure is off now.  I call Faith,  he’s still extremely worried. She still hasn’t turned up,  he ignored my advice and called her parents and the police.  He’s still drunk, I tell him it’s not my problem there is nothing I can do, and I get the”oh great, it’s not your problem, thanks a lot” And it is not my problem, I have enough dealing with Faith,  I can’t take on responsibility for Hope aswell, I’m sorry but today they will have to deal with it even though they live a journey away.  I work late,  catching up and trying to prepare to do this job again on Monday.

It’s nearly 6 when I’m finally finished and I look at my phone again. There is an answerphone message from Hopes mum, I listen to it.

I can tell she is crying as she says she is sorry to bother me, Faith called them and said Hope has been missing since last night and her other daughter is picking her up so that they can come and search for her, they don’t know the area, do I have any idea where they should look?

I stop the message, What? Why did Faith tell them that? I know she was there this morning, Oh my god they must be worried sick. I call her realising they are probably already here, wishing I had looked at my phone earlier.

She is still sounding shaken when I speak to her. “Faith lied to us, she hasn’t been missing since last night, and the phone that he was calling was in his pocket all the time, she had been out trying to sort their benefits as they have no money, she is safe.

I try to make sense of it all, I tell her he is drunk and confused, he would not have purposely lied, I work out the confusion with the phone, he gave Hope his old phone,  he has just managed to get water in his phone, so he has gone back to using his old phone. I feel I am making excuses, I feel embarrassed he is my son. Then she tells me, her daughter in panic to get over here has put petrol in her diesel car, it’s been towed away, it will cost them a lot to get if fixed. I end up apologising for not taking her call, it’s OK she says she understands. Oh what total total chaos he has caused this time.

I was going food shopping after work, I can’t face it, I’m just totally exhausted.

When I get home I just collapse on the sofa, I try to find the strength to make this call I know I need to make. He will have been given the riot act by Hope, god only knows how they will deal with this, all fuelled by alcohol.

I call him. He is more sober, very subdued, apologetic, admits to everything, admits it’s all because of alcohol, admits he needs to stop, admits he needs to go to rehab…… woah, rewind, what was that? Admits he needs to go to rehab?

I ask him what he is going to do to start that process, it’s not easy to get into rehab, I know only too well. His answer is I don’t know. I tell him, like I have a hundred times before he needs to go to adactive, where there will be someone who can start guiding him through the process. He can’t go until Tuesday when they have an open door policy.

Do I hate him? Has he lost me, he asks?

I tell him I really am on the point of walking away, he has one chance to show me he is serious about not drinking, if he does not go on Tuesday that is it. I don’t want empty promises I want evidence that he is serious this time…..

Time will tell. My guess is he will be in hospital before Tuesday as he tries to stop drinking himself.

Dare I allow myself to hope this will be the time? Or am I setting myself up for more disappointment?

More Chaos

I think this is probably the longest period of time for a long time that I’ve actually not seen Faith.  I think I’m afraid to see him,  from what he’s telling me he must be thinner than ever.

So this weekend I made up a food parcel, called him to tell him I would be over to deliver it.  He was going down to the beach,  his words were slurred.  But his girlfriend Hope would be in I could give it to her.

It seemed odd to me he was going to the beach alone,  but there again their relationship is built around alcohol so it’s not a real relationship.

I took the food over later in the day,  as I was driving Faith called,  “Oh you will never guess what’s happened to me now?” Another bit of alcoholic chaos by any chance?

Yes, I right.

“I left my bag for a moment while I used the toilet and someone stole it”

So who leaves a bag on a beach unattended?  Someone who’s mind is fuzzy with alcohol, that’s who.

I can’t actually believe he’s dared to show his body down the beach. People must stare at him,  believe me he looks like one of those poor souls you see on the TV in Africa that are starving. But he seems oblivious.  I’m surprised he had the strength to walk there.  The day before he had called me as he was trying to make his way to catch a bus to go to hospital for blood tests.  “My legs keep giving way,  I have to keep sitting down or I will fall down”

So I drop the food off.  Hope actually looks well,  I think she made an effort as she knew I was going round. She is grateful for the food and apologises profusely for spoiling my birthday and starts crying.  I don’t tell her it’s OK, I tell her she will continue to hurt people while she continues to drink. Hopefully my next birthday will be better.

Later that I get a call from Faith thanking me for the food.

Then later in the evening another call “You will never guess what’s happened to me now?  I fell down the stairs,  right from the top,  my legs gave way, but I hadn’t been drinking had I Hope?” This is confirmed in the background by Hope.

No absolutely nothing to do with alcohol,  would you believe that?

“The whole of one side of me is bruised and I think I will have a black eye, I’m lucky I didn’t break my neck”

With the state of his body he’s lucky nothing is broken,  they were the stairs in the flats that he lives in, nothing cushioned with carpet.  He bruises easily so God knows what he will look like now. He wants sympathy,  he gets none.  I tell him it is down to alcohol. That’s why his legs are so weak.  He argues it’s not. It’s where he spent a week in hospital not using his legs. I ask him why he was in hospital,  silence for a minute, then “because of alcohol”

I’m woken in the early hours by another call,  Hope has called the paramedics,  she is concerned he has concussion,  she is also drunk and angry with him.

I wake this morning not knowing if he’s in hospital or not.  I hope he is. But I doubt it.

New day, it was true, this too shall pass…..

IMG_1664How can 24 hours  make so much difference? Yesterday I was at war with the world.

Today I woke up, same old, off to work, nothing much has changed. Home late as I’m still doing holiday cover. My oven is broken and now it appears so is my front door lock, But, hey, the sun is shining and it’s warm.

I spoke to Faith, he has it seems finally got his act together and sorted his benefits out. Such a worry lifted, his rent will get paid, he won’t be out on the street.

How could I have complained about caring for my elderly parents, if my brothers don’t help that’s their problem not mine. I am blessed to still have them alive.

Tonight my partner and I found the energy to go for a walk. I had forgotten how very lucky we are in where we live. This is all is within 10 minutes walk from our home…

Tonight I feel gratitude for my family, my home, my job. And love ❤️ for one very trying person in my life. Today I received this…..

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This actually was last night, but I was too exhausted to publish

 

 

 

Rant coming up either move on, or forgive

IMG_1641.JPGOh, I am so tired tonight.

Faith is sober, but of course now dealing with his not so sober times. He has been sent a letter saying he is in arrears with his rent. Now this is for a mixture of reasons, being so out of it he was unable to comprehend the letter I forwarded saying his sick note was running out. Then sending his sick note twice but it wasn’t received, (wrong address? God knows) Then filling out forms only to be returned to him as his date of birth was wrong (it wasn’t) . Now if this was me I would be on the phone calling every number I had until it was resolved. But he doesn’t have the what? What do you call it? Get up and go? Fight for survival, just no fight in him I guess. I’ve told him I won’t help him out, if he doesn’t sort this out he will be homeless. So will he sort it.? Or will he be homeless?

I’m stepping back, I will at the last minute step in if needed, I so don’t want to, I’m so sick of doing this.

I don’t want to work full time, I had a cousin ask if I could meet for coffee today. What? Wouldn’t I just love to. No I’m covering wages, a job so difficult to pick up just 4 times a year, I have to get it right, people need their money. I only get 30 minutes lunch break anyway.

I’m feeling very much the victim, I’m 58 now, caring for my elderly parents alone, because my brothers won’t help, my daughter is in Australia, my eldest son an alcoholic, my youngest just starting to make his way I want to shout and scream “I don’t want to do this anymore”

But there is no one to listen, because my screams are silent.

OK rant over, this too will pass…….. please let it be soon