Does an alcoholic ever register the real pain they have inflicted

IMG_8386Gosh it’s been a while since I sat and wrote down my feelings.

There always seems to be something or someone needing my time, the summer has been busy, more work commitments which I won’t even start to go into, I work full time and have been given more responsibilities, which at 60 to be honest I don’t really want, but it did mean more money, so….. as I seem to help the world out financially (OK slight exaggeration) but it does feel like it sometimes, I’m a soft touch I know, I said yes.

It’s not been an easy summer but I have been lucky enough to celebrate my special birthday a few times and I have been spoilt by friends and more especially my partners children and family. They have spoilt me and rejoiced with me like I would love my family to do. I get so much love from them, but it just makes my family’s lack of it more obvious. Not that it is my family’s fault, my daughter did come back from Australia for a week which was amazing but was so rushed with everyone to see, my younger son is just awkward with himself and doesn’t have the confidence to arrange things, and then there is Faith, which of course is who this blog is really about.

I don’t know how to explain where he is on his journey now, it’s such an up and downer, probably just easier to jump to how he is right now.

Three weeks ago he was admitted to hospital after another bout of drinking. This is the pattern now, he cannot sustain drinking for a long period, a positive.

While he was in hospital the liver specialist came to see him (he had an appointment but missed it) It seems as a result of that visit it was arranged that he could start a day release rehab which he was really happy about. I do believe at the moment he wants to get better. And he started, and he loved it, a week in and he was so positive being able to talk to people that understood him, making new sober buddies, he was smiling and happy and positive again.

And then…..there is always something, his new phone contract which he had sorted out with his drinking partner whilst he was drinking and which should have halved his payments was rejected by his bank as it was over £100. Need I say any more, he is incapable of dealing with stressful situations without drinking. Although I told him I would help him sort it, it was already too late, and with a partner who still drinks the inevitable happened.

That was a week ago and he has been back in hospital, but cannot go back to the rehab until he has had a period of abstaining, which so far isn’t happening.

That week he was sober we had all the “I’ve been told by experts that it just won’t work living with an active alcoholic, I’m going to do something about it, I have to change my life” which I had known was true for ages but, to hear it from Faith really gave me hope, false hope once again.

Today I took him some vegetables from the garden, he was drunk when he came out to the car, and those were his first words, “Yes I’m drunk” which is good in a way, as we at least have an open honest relationship, but he knows now he can’t lie to me anyway. I just gave him the veg and said OK, call me when you are sober, I refuse to speak to him when he is drinking now, I don’t like that person as I’m sure he doesn’t, it seems the easiest solution.

So now I sit and wait, for the phone call to say he is in hospital or the sober call.

But I don’t just sit and wait, I have to get on with my life, so tomorrow it’s back to all this extra stress and responsibilities, guess I should be grateful they think I am still capable.

OK, that was written a week ago, I didn’t get to post it. Faith is still drinking, my heart is breaking, do recovered alcoholics ever get to realise the real pain they caused? This pain I feel is so real, and I am powerless to stop it.

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