Letting go for both our sakes

 

For the first time ever I believed he and his girlfriend were sober together at the same time. I probably didn’t question it as much as I should have.

I revelled in having sober conversations with Faith, he seemed to be enjoying it also even though he was in pain. He reconnected with his sister living in Australia. he asked for help to get to AA meetings. I told him to enjoy all the positives of being sober.  I delivered food.  And a tumble dryer, my mums, up until then he had not been able to think straight enough to work out where he could put it.

I thought, really thought, this time, he cannot get alcohol, so he will have no choice but to stay sober, at least for a while.

I am not stupid, I think I know my son well enough by now, well I thought I did, to know when he has had a drink, be it only 1 ( well it never is only one is it) . I would deny it to myself sometimes, but in my heart I knew.

So how the f… did I miss this one, I just don’t understand, I can’t understand. So….

Yesterday Faith had an appointment the hospital fracture clinic due to his last escapade. I thought it strange it wasn’t as the hospital he was admitted to but didn’t really think too much into it. It turned out they were actually more concerned about his liver than his broken bones. But he was fitted with better fitting “boots” and as far as I could make out, sent on his way.

Today his girlfriend called me at work to tell me he had been admitted to hospital.

What? Why? what has he done now?

He had 4 fits during the night then another big one this morning, he didn’t want to me to call an ambulance but I had to.

Why? Has he been drinking? Yes. What? For how long? Since he came out of hospital last time? Yes. How can that be, he has been sober when I spoke to him, this doesn’t add up.

How the hell has he got alcohol? He can’t walk? He got 3 bottles of cider at the shop.

None of this is adding up in my mind. I can’t talk to him his phone is off, only his girlfriend to give me information. They an doing ECG on him, they are not concerned about his mental state. From what she was telling me he will be discharged tonight.

I did eventually get to speak to him, I asked what the hell was going on, he just wanted to tell me he was going to be discharged but didn’t know how he would get home.

I told him that was his problem, if he could get out to get alcohol he could get home.

Once again I am feeling so disappointed, my fault, I should have learnt by now.

But I couldn’t help but just call him. He’s home, so I could ask him the question, how and when did you start drinking. I didn’t  want to, that’s why I went cold turkey last time, yes, so why and how did you start drinking again.? The only way is if she bought you alcohol? If she loved you and wasn’t drinking herself she wouldn’t do that? She wants you to drink so she can.

I have left him with that, telling him, he has to make some decisions. I’m angry, so angry with her, not with Faith although he has again chosen to drink. I thought this was a chance for both of them, I was so ready to support them.

Now I just feel empty, sad, he’s going to die, and she’s helping him along the way.

I have tried so many times to walk away from this.

Maybe this is the time I need to do it again for him and for me.

Mental health week, just where is the help?

IMG_5921I write this in desperation. How do you get help? What has to happen before you get that help?

Faith is in his own world at the moment, he’s tried to detox himself, that’s not possible. But he’s been told if he doesn’t stop drinking he has 6 months. So he has reduced as suggested, his alcohol consumption. But that now leads to these symptoms of dementia.

He has been to A&E to be told come back if your symptoms worsen. How would he know?

He went to the doctor, he sent him to hospital for a blood test, I phoned the hospital to warn them he could be confused, please take him to A & E if he is.

He came back home.

Today he has had a party for his nephew at his flat, his girlfriend came back to find biscuits laid out on the table for this party that apparently I went to, his sister who is in Australia also went to. To him it is so very real and he will not be told otherwise.

She called 111, he would not talk to the mental health team so there was nothing they could do. He has walked out because everyone is getting at him. He came back, 111 was called again, there is nothing they can do because he won’t talk to them. HE’S NO IDEA WHERE HE IS OR WHAT HE IS DOING, WHY WOULD HE THINK HE NEEDS TO TALK TO ANYONE? sorry for shouting, where is the help? Oh yes, if I was rich like Declan Donnely with rich famous friends he would be safe somewhere being cared for. But I’m not, and he is not, he will be gone soon I know it.

Eventually in desperation his partner called the police, she was scared for his safety. And would you believe it they came, and they talked to him gently and kindly, it seemed to bring him back to some sense of normality  They gave him the address of a very local mental health drop in place where he could go and have a chat with some very nice people.

So I want to say thank you to those lovely policemen, I’m sorry you should never have needed to be called had the right support been in place.

I want to shout “why oh why had no-one ever told him about this place before”

I am so angry, so tired, so very very very sad.

Update………

I wrote this about a week or so ago but never got round to publishing it.

Faiths brain seems to have settled, he is taking his medication regularly which I think is helping.

I did something that the alanon “stand back and let his higher power decide” side of me would have frowned at, I got the number of the ad active group he goes to and called and eventually spoke to someone who knew him. I told her about the latest incident and how sick he is and how very worried I was about him. That was it, I told her, I got the old “because Faith hadn’t given her consent to talk to me she couldn’t discuss anything about him with me” I didn’t care, I just wanted them to be aware of how sick he is. I knew when asked, Faith would give her his consent, but I felt at least I had done something.

And it worked, the lady I spoke to called Faith, he went to see her and suddenly he was given a plan, he was given somewhere he could go everyday which he has been doing. But as happens so often, it’s actually a joke how often this happens, she has now gone sick, she will be off a while, so although it’s obviously written in his notes, is there anyone else that will care? Who will call him and arrange meetings to make sure he is attending? I doubt it.

The one thing I have learnt is this child of mine seems to have regressed back to a little child that needs my help, love and support again. I’m sorry alanon I can’t abandon him. I feel he has very few chances left. I am going to have to step in and try pointing him in the right direction. I know that’s all I can do, he has to take the steps, but he has me behind him again supporting him. And should that day come when I lose him, I will have no regrets of “if only I had done more” never-never-never-give-up-112-picture

He tells me most days he loves me, I’m trying to say it back more often.

 

Feelings of guilt

IMG_0987Why oh why am I feeling guilty?

I have had two very short phone calls with Faith over the last few days.

He is sober, how I wish I could feel excited and happy about this. I should do, it’s what I want more than anything in the world isn’t it?

I guess it’s because I know it won’t last and I don’t want to feel the pain of disappointment when he drinks again.

But when I have spoken to him I have been very negative and ended up raising my voice. It’s not what he needs and I don’t know why I’m doing it.

Well I do know why. He is now having to deal with the financial problems caused by his drinking. His benefits have been stopped. He has had no money coming in for 6 weeks now. The reason I sent him money to cover his rent.

The confusion of his alcoholic life means sick notes have not arrived on time and where they should. He has been unable to sort things out because he has been either in hospital or drinking and incapable. He has been told he now has to start again. Put in a new claim. Which asked questions such as can you walk 10 yards unaided? Well that’s a joke, it depends if he is drinking and how much. I know if he completes these forms himself he will not get benefits. He will need to start looking for work or get nothing.

I am totally against people claiming money and not working. I work full time and have worked most of my life. I also would love for Faith to be working. I also know at the moment he is not capable of holding down a job. If he gets a job and gets sacked for drinking or not turning up, which will happen, he will again lose the right to any benefits. He will end up homeless.

I have suggested both days he contacts citizens advice bureau. But he won’t listen. I know there are people there who can help him. Today’s excuse was OK I will do but then I can’t go and sort my housing benefit at the council and I can’t…….. the list goes on. Why can’t you do all those things? I juggle my time every day. I have had a particularly busy stressful day trying to fit too much into too short a time. But I gave it my best!.

But after the call I realise I am being negative, probably controlling, I never thought of myself like that before. I am telling him what to do instead of letting him make his own decisions and mistakes. But I know he needs this help, I know how difficult it is to get the benefits that he does need. I know who picks up the mess when it doesn’t work.

How do I shut up,  stop this interfering. Let him just do it his way.

My problem is my fear of him dying.

I know if he doesn’t sort this out it could send him spiralling  into a black hole. If he loses his room he will be on the streets without his girlfriend, I know she would go back to her family. I won’t have him back here.

I don’t think he would survive being on the streets and losing her.

So that is why my frustration with him for not just trying my advice, boiled over.

After our conversation I felt stressed and he felt upset, and I realise he is obviously trying to stay sober and my conversation hasn’t helped him.

I did say it was lovely to speak to him sober.

I just know how important it is to get this benefit situation sorted and quickly, not at his “this time next year pace”

So that is why I am feeling guilty. I pray I haven’t pushed him to drink again. I just find it frustrating seeing how naive he is about things but he won’t accept help.

This has been a change, we have not been like this before. Maybe it’s a good thing, he’s being more assertive. If he stays sober , he can work and it won’t be a problem. The trouble is I have no belief in him anymore.

Maybe I do need to get out of his life.