I’m just lost and broken

I don’t know how to find the energy and strength to carry on.

I’m struggling, really struggling. I feel so very alone. The support for family’s of alcoholics in this area is pathetic. I am wallowing in sadness. And ha ha would you believe I’ve started to drink to numb the pain. How absolutely ridiculous is that? (That took some admitting) But I hear it’s not so uncommon. As I am writing this I know, a voice inside me that has been quiet is starting to get louder. To save myself I must do something, I can’t save my son but I can save me and I just know I have to start now. So tomorrow I am going to revisit my local alanon group.

its been quite a long time since I last went. I found the lady that ran it was very angry with her alcoholic, and she expected everyone else to be angry. When I tried to explain that I was just desperately sad she didn’t seem to want to accept that. Yes I get angry, I do get so bloody angry, but it is frustration, not anger at my son, just anger at this god damn awful consuming disease. The whole meeting seemed to have a depressing atmosphere. It might be different now, I hope so, if it’s not I am going to make it change, or at least try.

I will put an update on here, that’s me making a statement so I have to do it. After work tomorrow I know I will be thinking I can’t be bothered, but I must, I have to get a life back other than that of a mother of an alcoholic.

I’ve been to see Faith tonight, he’s in a dreadful state now, health, mental and financially. It breaks me to see him like that and I feel so very helpless, so broken.

I hope I can get fixed a little tomorrow. I can’t go on as I am I have to do something.

 

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8 thoughts on “I’m just lost and broken

    • Thank you, I’m in a slightly better place than when I wrote this, not great but better. I haven’t written for a while as I just haven’t had time. I find writing my thoughts down helps. We are just about to try something new with Faith, I am so very scared of being hopeful, the resulting feeling of despair if it doesn’t work is just so painful.
      Please send that healing energy in abundance this week. I will try to post results and an update soon x

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Hello, I have just discovered your blog… I am the daughter of an alcoholic and find that blogging about my experiences is quite cathartic. I’ve only just started to do this! You are so right that there is very little help for people like us who have a loved one addicted to alcohol. It angers me so much that you are left on your own to deal with it and the stress and and strain on your own mental health takes it’s toll. I am also a mother of two small boys – it is my main aim to ensure that they do not have to go through what I have. Myself and my husband are tee-total as a result of our alcoholic father’s. I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to see your own child go through this. My heart goes out to you. I know that it is often like smacking your head against a brick wall and that their empty promises feel like a sharp knife to your heart when you discover they are drinking again. You can’t turn your back on them no matter how often people say you need to for your own sanity… they don’t really understand what it is like, that pull and determination to succeed in your quest to stop them and bring them back to life and reality. Hope is really all you have to cling to and I sincerely ‘hope’ you find a way through this xxx

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    • Thank you, I often feel instead of moaning about the lack of support for families I should do something about it. But dealing with the alcoholic on a daily basis is just so draining I find I’m left with little energy for anything else.
      I have to say at the moment I am a little excited, Faith is trying something new, it’s very controversial and has cost ME a fair amount of money (how much is your sons life worth). 2 days in and it’s looking positive. I will try to write about it this weekend. It’s actually adding 2 hours plus to my working day so no time in the week.
      Stay strong with your alcoholic, I will check out your blog when I get a moment to myself x

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      • I’m so sorry. I’ve read your blog now and I see you lost your dad. Alanon might still help you, it might be worth trying.
        Sending love.

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  2. You’ve taken the first step within yourself Faith and that is just believing in you. There will be some days that the steps don’t seem to be going anywhere…but there will be others where you’ll here the angels sing.
    But most of all, find you, because you can’t help another if your curled up on the ground in a mess.
    Love and light for your journey, may it find the truth…your truth…from there you can move mountains ❤

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  3. Bless you, stay strong, I hope you are getting support. I haven’t written for a long time. Life and life events seem to have taken all my time. I will post an update soon. Gosh what an honour to think I have helped someone in their struggles x

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