Does an alcoholic ever register the real pain they have inflicted

IMG_8386Gosh it’s been a while since I sat and wrote down my feelings.

There always seems to be something or someone needing my time, the summer has been busy, more work commitments which I won’t even start to go into, I work full time and have been given more responsibilities, which at 60 to be honest I don’t really want, but it did mean more money, so….. as I seem to help the world out financially (OK slight exaggeration) but it does feel like it sometimes, I’m a soft touch I know, I said yes.

It’s not been an easy summer but I have been lucky enough to celebrate my special birthday a few times and I have been spoilt by friends and more especially my partners children and family. They have spoilt me and rejoiced with me like I would love my family to do. I get so much love from them, but it just makes my family’s lack of it more obvious. Not that it is my family’s fault, my daughter did come back from Australia for a week which was amazing but was so rushed with everyone to see, my younger son is just awkward with himself and doesn’t have the confidence to arrange things, and then there is Faith, which of course is who this blog is really about.

I don’t know how to explain where he is on his journey now, it’s such an up and downer, probably just easier to jump to how he is right now.

Three weeks ago he was admitted to hospital after another bout of drinking. This is the pattern now, he cannot sustain drinking for a long period, a positive.

While he was in hospital the liver specialist came to see him (he had an appointment but missed it) It seems as a result of that visit it was arranged that he could start a day release rehab which he was really happy about. I do believe at the moment he wants to get better. And he started, and he loved it, a week in and he was so positive being able to talk to people that understood him, making new sober buddies, he was smiling and happy and positive again.

And then…..there is always something, his new phone contract which he had sorted out with his drinking partner whilst he was drinking and which should have halved his payments was rejected by his bank as it was over £100. Need I say any more, he is incapable of dealing with stressful situations without drinking. Although I told him I would help him sort it, it was already too late, and with a partner who still drinks the inevitable happened.

That was a week ago and he has been back in hospital, but cannot go back to the rehab until he has had a period of abstaining, which so far isn’t happening.

That week he was sober we had all the “I’ve been told by experts that it just won’t work living with an active alcoholic, I’m going to do something about it, I have to change my life” which I had known was true for ages but, to hear it from Faith really gave me hope, false hope once again.

Today I took him some vegetables from the garden, he was drunk when he came out to the car, and those were his first words, “Yes I’m drunk” which is good in a way, as we at least have an open honest relationship, but he knows now he can’t lie to me anyway. I just gave him the veg and said OK, call me when you are sober, I refuse to speak to him when he is drinking now, I don’t like that person as I’m sure he doesn’t, it seems the easiest solution.

So now I sit and wait, for the phone call to say he is in hospital or the sober call.

But I don’t just sit and wait, I have to get on with my life, so tomorrow it’s back to all this extra stress and responsibilities, guess I should be grateful they think I am still capable.

OK, that was written a week ago, I didn’t get to post it. Faith is still drinking, my heart is breaking, do recovered alcoholics ever get to realise the real pain they caused? This pain I feel is so real, and I am powerless to stop it.

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Another day

Today started pretty much the same as yesterday, another odd message “Caught the bus, ended up in ……. (our local town)

Now this was at 7 in the morning, I’m puzzled, Where did he think he was going at that time? (He hasn’t worked for about 3 years due to his drinking), and why has he ended up somewhere he obviously didn’t mean to be?

When I eventually get through to him he tells me he was coming to my house but got on the bus the wrong side of the road.

He had told me he was confused the night before but I just assumed it was the drink, now I’m concerned it could be more, something that has happened in the past and a worrying step if its true. He tells me he will catch the bus back and go straight to my house. I’m leaving for work so say OK let me know when you get there.

My phone is surprisingly quiet, work is busy so I don’t have much time to think. Lunchtime I think mmm he hasn’t sent a message to say he’s arrived but as it’s just a quick break the thought goes and it’s not until later that I start to wonder, I message, no reply, I call, no reply. I work.

Later he calls, he made it to my village but felt to ill to walk to the house so went straight to a friends (a friend in his eyes, an old predatory man who is also an alcoholic in mine). My heart sinks.

I drive straight home, I don’t call, he has made his choice again.

About 9 he calls, he is sober, Could he come home?  He’s to weak to walk can I pick him up, I hear him asking in the background can he stay at this mans house. This is where I struggle, I am in my pj’s warm, its cold out, why should I get up and go out in the cold to pick him up? He made his choice earlier. But my head is telling me if he stays at this mans house he will without doubt drink, he’s asking to come here where he knows he will not drink. Do I have a choice? Of course I do but I know if I don’t go I will suffer the consequences. If he is asking to come home and get sober again I hopefully will have 2 weeks of calm. My partner rolls his eyes as I put on my coat.

So he’s back, pitifully thin, he’s not eaten for 5 days. But he is in his room drinking water, the sickness he has suffered the last 3 days seems to have subsided. At least I will sleep without worry tonight, I know he probably wont sleep suffering withdrawal, but then he knew this would follow when he took that drink a week ago, I don’t have sympathy.

I wonder if his support will reappear tomorrow, what a shame they haven’t been around for the last week when I needed their support also.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.