I feel an overwhelming sadness

IMG_0803It’s day 2 of no contact.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t heard from Faith, it means I haven’t responded.

I am starting to feel a terrible sadness inside. Do I really have to stop contact for him to find his way? Will it help him? Is this what I must do?

There are no guides  –

If  A doesn’t work then resort to B. If all else fails switch off and re-boot.

It has given me some much needed peace. And I am important, I work bloody hard, full time, elderly parents that also need and deserve my time and attention.

He has called twice, first time I’m at work and it’s easy to ignore, still more accusations left on my answerphone. Then again when he knows I am home and he sounds more sober. This is the first one that starts I love you mum, I want us to have a relationship, please call me. That’s harder to ignore, but I have, and I will today.

Maybe tomorrow I will send him a message telling him I will only speak to him when he is sober. I will not answer his calls until I can hear in his voice he is.

I’m really not sure if this is protection for me, or as I have read, what I must do for him to be at that place where he wants recovery beyond all else.

I always thought having children was a learning curve that you learn as you go. I didn’t realise that it went on into their adulthood. One thing I have learnt and I am absolutely certain about is, there are no rules, ever! You do what you think is right at the time, maybe you will fuck up occasionally, but one message I would always pass on to my children is “go by your gut feeling, and if you are told that it is wrong, and you still feel your way is the right way then just do it” Don’t be afraid….

As I am tonight.

Thats why I am thinking tomorrow I will send a message to him.

“I will speak to you again, but only when you are sober”

I would love a few responses from you peeps that have found sobriety, how would you feel receiving this message? how did you feel?

Sending out love

 

 

 

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Reason to stay sober

I’ve been reading lots, I came across a comment that seemed to ring home as so true.

Faith seems to be in this never-ending circle, recovering, sober for a while then back on it, This seemed to say what I’m guessing he feels, Last time he was sober he did say, “I get sober. go through all that, but nothing changes”.

Day eight was harder for him than day one and two. At day’s one and two he had a reason to stay sober. At day eight he was hating life, himself, me, and sobriety.

Tonight he’s good, in his own home, sober and OK, only just OK but OK, I wish he would look and find these inspirational words, I am still learning, I am like a sponge, I want as much information as possible. I feel I am more qualified than his buddy, maybe a change of career for me is what I need to do, who knows.

I must remember “one day at a time”

Well what a peaceful weekend.

I’ve had the time and energy for a few normal things. Its been busy as usual but good busy.

He came round on Saturday because he wanted his hair cut. Now I am not a hairdresser but owning some clippers has saved both my boys some money over the years. It’s good that he wants to tidy himself up. He has always been proud of his appearance and it has broken my heart when I have seen him looking such a mess in the past, this is the son I love showing himself again.

I called him this morning. I’m never sure if I should or not, I don’t want him to think I am checking on him, but I also know he probably wont speak too anyone else he knows today if I don’t.

It’s a lovely day so I suggest he catches the bus and goes for a walk along the coast. We are lucky that we live in a beautiful part of the country.

I get a rather negative response. OK his choice.

An hour later a get a message to say he is on the bus and “Yes it is a beautiful day” 🙂 I am happy he can enjoy it.

I go about my day, my elderly parents need a visit, a friend with a birthday and food needs to be bought.

When I get home he is there, that was a pleasant surprise “I’m waiting for my roast dinner” wonderful words to my ears from a son that sometimes goes weeks without eating. On these good days I am happy to feed him as much as he can eat.

It’s easy too become complacent. Easy too think this is how it will be from now on, I must remember, I must not get too hopeful, if I do I am only setting myself up for disappointment, I must be ready for the fall, I know it will come again.

I must remember “one day at a time” Today he is sober, I am grateful and happy for that.

Surprised, still

He was good this morning, and it was good to see him that way.

I hugged him before I left for work, I think he was surprised. He’s going back too his flat, and after his struggles of yesterday I’m guessing back to the demon. I accept it, after all I know I am powerless over alcohol.

So I was pretty surprised when I phoned him after work and he answered and oh joy of joys he is sober. Wow now that was a surprise!

Not so sure I believe him when he tells me he has been to EDAS, but that’s not something I am going too question, maybe he is right, does it really matter.

He’s sober, I cant ask for anything more. and I simply don’t want anything more.