Calm and acceptance

serenityI’m back.

I had a little break, I made myself forget for a little while.

Last time I was here Faith was here and detoxing.

He either felt well enough to go home or could not deal with my new rule “If your here asking for help and a safe place to be then you must go to AA meetings” So he went back to his flat.

I tried calling the next day but his phone was off.

Now that to me and with our history, meant he was back drinking. I decided I would not contact him until he called me.

The next afternoon he did call me, the reason his phone was off was because he was in a meeting, Wow!!!

It was a good meeting, a different place, an afternoon meeting and some guys his age were there, he felt good that he had gone. Can you see me at the other end of the phone with a smug smile on my face???

I had a very busy weekend, my partners birthday, full of celebrations with his family which takes me away from home, and I tried hard to leave thoughts of Faith behind. And it worked for a while. Seeing other functioning family’s doesn’t help. When they welcome me in, it makes it harder.

Sunday when I am home I call him and offer dinner. “Yeah that sounds good” but he doesn’t turn up. I wont call him.

Monday evening I send him a message.”I guess your drinking” and I ask when his next appointment is for Rehab. He missed the last one as the letter went to his flat and he was here, he only has 3 chances. (OK I know I am supposed to stand back and let things be) No reply.

Today he calls “Yes you were right, I am drinking, can I come back?”

“Yes you can”, but as I expect, when I get home he’s not there.

Later I talk to him, I feel sad, he says he is Ok, he has a doctors appointment tomorrow, that’s good, at least someone will listen to him, I am not angry, I just listen and try to be a little positive.

This seems to be a calmer time in our journey, I am still dreadfully sad, but we are calmer, no anger, no expectations from me I guess, an acceptance.

We finish our conversation by saying “love you”

Oh wow……… I looked for a picture to add after I had written this, and look what I found, another day, another lesson.

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A Sobering day

loss

I think things are getting on top of me a little.

Not something that’s easy for me, Mrs calm and capable, to admit.

I’m not sure why, my mum is pretty poorly but its something I have been preparing myself for, maybe I’m just under the weather. I’m not someone who does illness. I still went to work even though I think I probably just needed a day in bed to rest.

I went to see a counsellor today. First time I’ve ever admitted I need someone’s help to get through this.

Giving her a quick run down of my life in last 15 years she quickly picked up on how many losses I had had.  and one of them was Faith, and I must admit at the moment I feel I have lost my son, but I do still get glimpses of him and that is what keeps me going.

The new tablets are working in that he is only drinking a limited amount, but he is drinking every day and that is no result really. He seems very down, I think we both are at the moment.

I can’t see a light at the moment

Mojo has gone a little tonight, now doubt it will be back in the morning,

Neuropathy, another stage?

Well that’s the weekend over I guess.neuropathy

My alcoholic son has pretty much dominated my thoughts over the weekend.

I get on with life, but I pretty much feel it’s all such a sham.

I had many messages and a few calls between us. It looks like he has pretty much destroyed any chance of this meeting going ahead with his doctor tomorrow. I’ve sent a message to his buddy tonight saying as much.

I’ve also asked again about the chances of rehab, it’s what he’s asking for. My mind is in a bit of turmoil about it to be honest.

He has the fabulous support of a specially trained addiction nurse at the hospital. But he doesn’t agree with rehab, he thinks support should be out there every day, which is where his buddy comes in. She has been fantastic support also, compared to what he had before (a story to be told some other time)  but it is only 3 or 4ish days a week, that’s without her 2 week holiday and at least 3 weeks off sick since she has been supporting my son. So I see it not working. He is really trying to stay sober, but he needs support 7 days a week in these early days. I know him and I know he really does want sobriety but he just cannot do it on his own.

So tonight I have been trying to find charity funding for rehab, I seem to have come up zero. There is one place, he did go there before for 6 weeks and came out in a good place only to have zero backup when he came out. (This is where I need to mention as before another story, we needed to change postcode for him to get support). If he got a place there now I know he would get follow on support.

Well I’ve also mentioned this in my message to his buddy. So will see if it can be an option.

In my relentless searching on here for support I came across an article on nerve damage suffered by alcoholics. I read some things I didn’t like. I knew he was suffering from shooting tingling pain from damaged nerves, I wasn’t so concerned as I knew if it was early damage, abstinence would help if not cure it. What did bother me more was that it could affect the badder, my son had complained that he was starting to suffer bouts of incontinence ( I wouldn’t write this if I didn’t know it was anonymous) I thought it was just when he was drinking, but no, it was also apparently even when he wasn’t.

I sent him the link, my concern increased when he said it talked about confusion even when sober, “that’s what I have” and he did tell me only a week ago that he was suffering confusion, I have to admit I didn’t believe him then. Now I am getting really scared, this disease has gone up another notch, I’m frightened, confused and very lonely, probably the same feelings he is experiencing.

I must stop imagining his funeral, but another voice says you must prepare yourself.

For those of you interested out there, he is in his room alone again tonight, suffering god knows what demons, I did give him the choice of coming here but when he couldn’t choose I decided for him, if he wanted to he would have said yes. He might be in hospital, he wont answer my calls or messages, I hope he is as OK as he can be.

But I haven’t given up hope, lets see what tomorrow brings, I doubt the meeting but I do know there are other people out there fighting his corner and tomorrow is Monday so the back up team are working.

Normal family. I wish

I haven’t got much to say tonight, I’ve had an OK day today (that’s a lie)

Its been my beautiful gorgeous step granddaughters first birthday. And I felt  so not a part of it, not their fault at all.

What a lovely close family they are, it just hurts me that mine can’t be like that.

And I come back to messages saying “I can’t see out of my right eye” I’ve not moved, still on my bed in pain” so many messages of pain and sadness, I can’t cope with his and mine sadness tonight.

I want my family to be normal, why can’t I have that?

I’ve just done my spellcheck and can’t came up 4 times. 😦