I should be happy but I’m very very frightened

IMG_66342 days, that’s all, 2 days and I will be flying off to the sun (although looking at the forecast I would be better staying here). I should be feeling excited, but I’m really really concerned for Faith, and he is sober!

After yet another emergency admission to hospital and a five day detox (the two week detox never happened) Faith is back out and living with his drinking girlfriend. But this hospital admission was different. In the past he has been warned he is at the point where his liver will develop cirrhosis if he continues to drink. This time he was told to forget that, he will go straight to liver failure.

Update update….. I started writing that a few weeks ago.

I went on holiday and oh my god he stayed sober for the time I was away. I think he actually made 5 nearly 6 weeks sober. But of course, living with another alcoholic eventually got to him.

He has been drinking for about two weeks now. Well he was until yet another hospital admission yesterday. (I so must start this chart of expenses to the NHS)

He was left in the corridor as they were busy where he had a major fit.

He had been admitted because he had been sick with fresh blood

They were thinking about taking him to resus because his heart ♥ was struggling. This is the third time now his body is starting to give up.

But, after yet another intrusive expensive camera down his throat, white blood cells  and vitamins into his veins he seems to have recovered.

Enough to apparently maybe go home tomorrow. But I know, 3 days? 3 days is not enough for him not to have the DT’s?

Surely they will not send him home saying “drink small amounts of alcohol”

All I know is he cannot go back to that flat with his drinking partner.

If he does will his next hospital admission be his last?

I am burying my parents ashes on the 11th September.

The plot is big enough for 4.

Please please god don’t let me be putting my son in there to join them 😭

I am running out of hope and things to say.

Life just seems to be on repeat with just a little more anxiety each time.

In fact I think for the first time in my life I am starting to have anxiety, awake in the night not being able to calm my racing mind. I guess I have done well up until now to be OK.

But what choice do I have, I still love Faith, I will until my last breath as any mother would. But, I am facing the facts that my last breath will be after his.

Sorry, a rather negative post, I guess that’s how I’m feeling right now.

Advertisement

please-help-me-chores-hand-666101

And so the never-ending circle goes on.

I’ve left him alone, tried to forget, not called.

Then the phone rings and its him. I’m sorry I can’t do this on my own, I have tried, I know you have so much going on I don’t want to do this to you but I have tried and I just can’t stop on my own, Please can I come back to yours.

What do I say, this isn’t a drunk just asking for a roof over his head, this is my son saying I want to stop but I cant on my own, I need your help.

But I still have my Al Anon voice talking to me saying he has to find his own way of doing this. But I know his buddy is now out of the picture for 2 weeks, he had already  lost a stone in weight again even before this last bout.

So Faith is back, shut in his bedroom, he doesn’t come out when he is going through this, just for water, he is too sick to eat and to shaky to hold a plate. I’m worried and allow him a small glass of wine (breaking my own rules) but that is it, I know even that will prolong symptoms, but he shakes so much he can’t sleep and I need sleep.

He gets through the night, I can hear his distress through the walls but try to shut it out.

Another 24 hours and he has eaten a little. The sickness has stopped, The shaking is not so violent. He is starting to sound a little like himself now.

He suffers with nerve pain now. This is something that has gradually been worsening, he describes it as someone pricking his body with needles. This I can deal with, it does make me angry that the people whose care he is under say he should not be suffering withdrawal as he has such short bouts of drinking now, so needs no medication to help him through.

Well I wish they would spend one night in his shoes or mine and then tell me that.

Tonight I will sleep, his sleep will be broken but then he has nothing to do all day tomorrow but lie in his bed.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week, first time I have ever asked for help, this is really draining me

I miss my daughter dreadfully at the moment. I would normally share with her, but as she is on the other side of the world I don’t like to worry her.

At least tonight Faith is sober. That is my positive for the day.

Reason to stay sober

I’ve been reading lots, I came across a comment that seemed to ring home as so true.

Faith seems to be in this never-ending circle, recovering, sober for a while then back on it, This seemed to say what I’m guessing he feels, Last time he was sober he did say, “I get sober. go through all that, but nothing changes”.

Day eight was harder for him than day one and two. At day’s one and two he had a reason to stay sober. At day eight he was hating life, himself, me, and sobriety.

Tonight he’s good, in his own home, sober and OK, only just OK but OK, I wish he would look and find these inspirational words, I am still learning, I am like a sponge, I want as much information as possible. I feel I am more qualified than his buddy, maybe a change of career for me is what I need to do, who knows.