Calm and acceptance

serenityI’m back.

I had a little break, I made myself forget for a little while.

Last time I was here Faith was here and detoxing.

He either felt well enough to go home or could not deal with my new rule “If your here asking for help and a safe place to be then you must go to AA meetings” So he went back to his flat.

I tried calling the next day but his phone was off.

Now that to me and with our history, meant he was back drinking. I decided I would not contact him until he called me.

The next afternoon he did call me, the reason his phone was off was because he was in a meeting, Wow!!!

It was a good meeting, a different place, an afternoon meeting and some guys his age were there, he felt good that he had gone. Can you see me at the other end of the phone with a smug smile on my face???

I had a very busy weekend, my partners birthday, full of celebrations with his family which takes me away from home, and I tried hard to leave thoughts of Faith behind. And it worked for a while. Seeing other functioning family’s doesn’t help. When they welcome me in, it makes it harder.

Sunday when I am home I call him and offer dinner. “Yeah that sounds good” but he doesn’t turn up. I wont call him.

Monday evening I send him a message.”I guess your drinking” and I ask when his next appointment is for Rehab. He missed the last one as the letter went to his flat and he was here, he only has 3 chances. (OK I know I am supposed to stand back and let things be) No reply.

Today he calls “Yes you were right, I am drinking, can I come back?”

“Yes you can”, but as I expect, when I get home he’s not there.

Later I talk to him, I feel sad, he says he is Ok, he has a doctors appointment tomorrow, that’s good, at least someone will listen to him, I am not angry, I just listen and try to be a little positive.

This seems to be a calmer time in our journey, I am still dreadfully sad, but we are calmer, no anger, no expectations from me I guess, an acceptance.

We finish our conversation by saying “love you”

Oh wow……… I looked for a picture to add after I had written this, and look what I found, another day, another lesson.

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The Meeting

keep-calm-and-come-to-the-meeting

Well the meeting happened but without the two most important people, the addiction nurse who arranged the whole thing and then at the last-minute could not attend, and my son who was to poorly with withdrawal.

But lets not be negative, his GP was willing to give us her time and his buddy was there with the possibility of a new drug to help with the cravings as suggested by the absent addiction nurse. It was also the first time his dad had been involved in any discussions so that was a positive.

When we first met his buddy before seeing the doctor I asked about the possibility of rehab. I had mentioned it before and had got a rather negatives response and it was pretty much the same today, basically there is no funding.

I did find the meeting useful in that I could ask questions as my son wasn’t there without having the worry of him getting upset. some of the subjects we covered were –

  •  His panic attacks and how they could be helped   (He needs to be alcohol free  before he can have any medication)
  • The new medication that would possibly help with his cravings   (It turned out to not be new at all but we decided to give it a try)
  • My concerns over the possibility that he has developed Neuropathy (Just another symptom suffered by alcoholics that if he managed to abstain for a period of time would hopefully improve)
  • Prescriptions only being given in weekly doses due to the possibility of overdose

And then the GP asked what was the possibility of Rehab. She was told the same as me but she wasnt happy and said she had just had another patient accepted so there must be funds available. Buddy agreed to investigate and they would exchange details.

I discovered something else during the meeting which alarmed me a little. Apparently the main aim of his buddy is to keep him out of A & E and minimise doctor visits. As that means helping him find sobriety then that’s great. but she then showed me a plan that has been drawn up for when he calls an ambulance or is admitted to hospital. They will see a note saying unless they were particularly concerned he a had a medical emergency he does not need to go to A & E or if he does go he should not be admitted to a ward unless they thought again there was a medical emergency.

Now alarm bells are ringing rather loudly and also who is the person expected to pick up the bits that A & E are not going too? I can see even more trouble heading my way. Thank goodness the GP also picked up on this and voiced her concerns, yes, when he is admitted he often does only need a drip and reassurance that he is OK, but he does need that. But I’m not sure how it was left, I’ve got real concerns about this now as if I needed anymore.

Another point I raised was that I had stepped back, as we are told to do at Al Anon, but once this new support was put in place they eagerly wanted me involved and ready to support him. I asked if my offers of a safe alcohol free bed was enabling him when he should really be sorting out his own sobriety.

She didn’t know, though she admitted it had gone through her mind when, one day, she had phoned me with the dilemma of leaving my son on the street in a very vulnerable state or taking him to a place of safety (my home) if I was willing to take him. I did at the time say that I pretty much did not have a choice and I know she felt my upset.

That pretty much summed up the meeting, I felt more concerned coming out than when I went in.

I went back to work, where have you been ” Oh just an appointment” Oh how I would love to tell the truth.

After work I went to the supermarket to pick up my sons prescription. While waiting a received a call. It was the a paramedic. They were with my son, we are just taking him to hospital……

Neuropathy, another stage?

Well that’s the weekend over I guess.neuropathy

My alcoholic son has pretty much dominated my thoughts over the weekend.

I get on with life, but I pretty much feel it’s all such a sham.

I had many messages and a few calls between us. It looks like he has pretty much destroyed any chance of this meeting going ahead with his doctor tomorrow. I’ve sent a message to his buddy tonight saying as much.

I’ve also asked again about the chances of rehab, it’s what he’s asking for. My mind is in a bit of turmoil about it to be honest.

He has the fabulous support of a specially trained addiction nurse at the hospital. But he doesn’t agree with rehab, he thinks support should be out there every day, which is where his buddy comes in. She has been fantastic support also, compared to what he had before (a story to be told some other time)  but it is only 3 or 4ish days a week, that’s without her 2 week holiday and at least 3 weeks off sick since she has been supporting my son. So I see it not working. He is really trying to stay sober, but he needs support 7 days a week in these early days. I know him and I know he really does want sobriety but he just cannot do it on his own.

So tonight I have been trying to find charity funding for rehab, I seem to have come up zero. There is one place, he did go there before for 6 weeks and came out in a good place only to have zero backup when he came out. (This is where I need to mention as before another story, we needed to change postcode for him to get support). If he got a place there now I know he would get follow on support.

Well I’ve also mentioned this in my message to his buddy. So will see if it can be an option.

In my relentless searching on here for support I came across an article on nerve damage suffered by alcoholics. I read some things I didn’t like. I knew he was suffering from shooting tingling pain from damaged nerves, I wasn’t so concerned as I knew if it was early damage, abstinence would help if not cure it. What did bother me more was that it could affect the badder, my son had complained that he was starting to suffer bouts of incontinence ( I wouldn’t write this if I didn’t know it was anonymous) I thought it was just when he was drinking, but no, it was also apparently even when he wasn’t.

I sent him the link, my concern increased when he said it talked about confusion even when sober, “that’s what I have” and he did tell me only a week ago that he was suffering confusion, I have to admit I didn’t believe him then. Now I am getting really scared, this disease has gone up another notch, I’m frightened, confused and very lonely, probably the same feelings he is experiencing.

I must stop imagining his funeral, but another voice says you must prepare yourself.

For those of you interested out there, he is in his room alone again tonight, suffering god knows what demons, I did give him the choice of coming here but when he couldn’t choose I decided for him, if he wanted to he would have said yes. He might be in hospital, he wont answer my calls or messages, I hope he is as OK as he can be.

But I haven’t given up hope, lets see what tomorrow brings, I doubt the meeting but I do know there are other people out there fighting his corner and tomorrow is Monday so the back up team are working.