Does an alcoholic ever register the real pain they have inflicted

IMG_8386Gosh it’s been a while since I sat and wrote down my feelings.

There always seems to be something or someone needing my time, the summer has been busy, more work commitments which I won’t even start to go into, I work full time and have been given more responsibilities, which at 60 to be honest I don’t really want, but it did mean more money, so….. as I seem to help the world out financially (OK slight exaggeration) but it does feel like it sometimes, I’m a soft touch I know, I said yes.

It’s not been an easy summer but I have been lucky enough to celebrate my special birthday a few times and I have been spoilt by friends and more especially my partners children and family. They have spoilt me and rejoiced with me like I would love my family to do. I get so much love from them, but it just makes my family’s lack of it more obvious. Not that it is my family’s fault, my daughter did come back from Australia for a week which was amazing but was so rushed with everyone to see, my younger son is just awkward with himself and doesn’t have the confidence to arrange things, and then there is Faith, which of course is who this blog is really about.

I don’t know how to explain where he is on his journey now, it’s such an up and downer, probably just easier to jump to how he is right now.

Three weeks ago he was admitted to hospital after another bout of drinking. This is the pattern now, he cannot sustain drinking for a long period, a positive.

While he was in hospital the liver specialist came to see him (he had an appointment but missed it) It seems as a result of that visit it was arranged that he could start a day release rehab which he was really happy about. I do believe at the moment he wants to get better. And he started, and he loved it, a week in and he was so positive being able to talk to people that understood him, making new sober buddies, he was smiling and happy and positive again.

And then…..there is always something, his new phone contract which he had sorted out with his drinking partner whilst he was drinking and which should have halved his payments was rejected by his bank as it was over £100. Need I say any more, he is incapable of dealing with stressful situations without drinking. Although I told him I would help him sort it, it was already too late, and with a partner who still drinks the inevitable happened.

That was a week ago and he has been back in hospital, but cannot go back to the rehab until he has had a period of abstaining, which so far isn’t happening.

That week he was sober we had all the “I’ve been told by experts that it just won’t work living with an active alcoholic, I’m going to do something about it, I have to change my life” which I had known was true for ages but, to hear it from Faith really gave me hope, false hope once again.

Today I took him some vegetables from the garden, he was drunk when he came out to the car, and those were his first words, “Yes I’m drunk” which is good in a way, as we at least have an open honest relationship, but he knows now he can’t lie to me anyway. I just gave him the veg and said OK, call me when you are sober, I refuse to speak to him when he is drinking now, I don’t like that person as I’m sure he doesn’t, it seems the easiest solution.

So now I sit and wait, for the phone call to say he is in hospital or the sober call.

But I don’t just sit and wait, I have to get on with my life, so tomorrow it’s back to all this extra stress and responsibilities, guess I should be grateful they think I am still capable.

OK, that was written a week ago, I didn’t get to post it. Faith is still drinking, my heart is breaking, do recovered alcoholics ever get to realise the real pain they caused? This pain I feel is so real, and I am powerless to stop it.

Advertisement

Ssssshhhhhh……. I only dare whisper this……. 6 weeks sober

That’s it! After my last blog when I was feeling so sad, yet another hospital admission with his eyes and face the colour of spring daffodils.

I was hoping they would keep Faith in for the promised 2 week detox but he was out in 5 days. So I assumed it wouldn’t be long before he was drinking again

But then it was three weeks, and I was going on holiday for two weeks. In the past me going on holiday has seemed to be a trigger for him, I cannot remember the last time I went away without getting a desperate phone call or message.

This time he messaged but they were all positive. I worried when he didn’t reply to my messages, thinking the worst, but each time he proved me wrong.

And now suddenly, he’s somehow got to 6 weeks, his longest time sober other than when he has been in rehab.

I’m still holding my breath, I know he is different this time I’ve seen it coming, a gradual change in him, and I knew he wanted to do this, I just didn’t think he was strong enough

Oh you mother of little Faith, he is doing it, but I know its such early early days, and he’s getting support but not as much as I would like, it’s there, he just needs to reach out a little more.

But there is one humungus black cloud, one that is making his journey so much harder. His girlfriend is still drinking and still in denial. The hospital have told him he must tell her to get help for his sake, but she refuses and its of course causing arguments.

He called me last night, she was there, he wanted her to talk to me, to try and explain he needed her to do this, but she refused to talk to me. Not that it would have made any difference.

I try to explain to him that this is how alcoholics behave, he understands but it’s really the first time he’s seeing it from the other side.

I pray it helps him stay strong, but I am no fool or novice in this, I know a recovering alcoholic cannot be around others that drink and stay sober.

I know he is struggling, so I’m asking you guys that might read my blog that have walked in his shoes how best I can support him.

He’s trying so hard so climb this mountain.

That’s why I dare only whisper x

Update….. Before I posted this, I wanted to put on a pretty picture you know.

But, I didn’t have time, the whisper was heard.

He made 6 weeks, I am so very proud of him for doing that. He was faced with an impossible situation.

At least he openly told me. Now he’s not answering his phone x

I love you Faith no matter what x

Exhausted with the chaos

My posts might be a bit mixed up and sporadic.  I write when I have time and when I feel I must.

I actually don’t know how to write about today.  It started last night. Faith had come out of hospital that day and he was sober.  I cannot explain how good it feels to talk to someone who is sober after days or weeks of rubbish conversations.  Well they are not conversations, just me listening.

He called about 10pm to complain about his also alcoholic girlfriend. She had gone up to the shop with his bank card to buy them a pizza.  In her muddled alcohol soaked brain she had put in her pin not his and the cash machine ate his bank card.  Now I need to mention he has no photo ID as he has lost both his passport and driving licence at different drunken times. So the still in detox without supporting medication alcoholic is dealing with another alcoholics chaotic life.  I calm him,  tomorrow it will be sorted.  30 minutes later,  11pm ish,  another call,  she has tidied up while he has been in hospital,  and now can’t remember where she put all his bank papers.  A lot of expletions……

I calm him a little and try to sleep.

6.30 next morning he is on the phone.

I think I have to give his girlfriend a name now…. lets call her “Hope” how fitting, Faith and Hope.

He has walked out of his flat because Hope thinks it’s only 6am in the morning, it is in fact 6.30 am, she wants to sleep, Faith thinks it’s about 11am, he has had enough, all she does is sleep, and these other guys in the room “are they twins?” I am thinking woah,  what’s going on here, it doesn’t take long, the withdrawal symptoms of confusion are here, out in the real world.

I call 111, I know he needs to be back in hospital.  “If your not with him,  there is nothing we can do,  call the police”.  Oh I’ve been here before,  mental health,  the support is zero.

I call Faith. He is sat on a wall by a busy road. He’s not sure where.  I get some details of what he is wearing.

So I call the police,  not 999 just the none emergency number. It rings for 10 minutes before someone answers,  I’m watching the clock as I need to get into work.  They take all the details but say if he doesn’t want to go to hospital they can’t make him.  I tell them I realise that but when he is in hospital and sick like this they take away his rights to leave.  Still the same answer but they will check on him.

I call Faith again. He has gone back to his flat and he and his girlfriend are in the middle of a big argument. It’s impossible to talk to Faith as he is too busy shouting at Hope.  I ask to talk to her,  ask her to be quiet for a moment so I can talk to Faith,  it doesn’t work,  I put down the phone.

I’m late for work, I rush to get ready.  Faith calls again,  he’s left the flat, he’s not going back.  As I’m driving to work I call the police again.  Yes as I am driving I call the police!  All the time I am driving I am looking for the next place I can pull over safely to talk when they answer.  I’m actually just walking into work when they answer.  I try to explain that Faith may appear drunk but he’s not,  I think it’s important they know that.  She interrupts me to say she has an update on the case.

“We called him on his phone and spoke to him, he is fine, we have no cause for concern ”

I try to explain that he might say he is but he is not.  She is very dismissive. I’m just a neurotic mother,  she has more pressing problems. I can tell that’s what she’s thinking.

As I walk through the doors of my work place, late, I struggle to keep back the tears,  she might be busy soon dealing with a road traffic accident, unidentified male has walked out into busy traffic…….

So there we have it,  it’s 8.45 and I feel like I have run a marathon but have a full day at work ahead of me.

I try to forget,  I work.  At lunchtime I call him again.  He is sat in Macdonalds eating a burger Hope bought him.  Yeah he’s fine,  has no recollection of anything that happened earlier that day, “Why was I concerned?”

I can tell he’s better than he was and certainly less agitated, it’s good he’s eating. That always seems to help with the healing of his brain.

When I get home from work I feel total exhaustion.  I can’t explain it. This is the impact the alcoholic has on my life. This is why al-anon tell me to step back and let go,  for my sanity.

How in God’s name do I do that?