I feel an overwhelming sadness

IMG_0803It’s day 2 of no contact.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t heard from Faith, it means I haven’t responded.

I am starting to feel a terrible sadness inside. Do I really have to stop contact for him to find his way? Will it help him? Is this what I must do?

There are no guides  –

If  A doesn’t work then resort to B. If all else fails switch off and re-boot.

It has given me some much needed peace. And I am important, I work bloody hard, full time, elderly parents that also need and deserve my time and attention.

He has called twice, first time I’m at work and it’s easy to ignore, still more accusations left on my answerphone. Then again when he knows I am home and he sounds more sober. This is the first one that starts I love you mum, I want us to have a relationship, please call me. That’s harder to ignore, but I have, and I will today.

Maybe tomorrow I will send him a message telling him I will only speak to him when he is sober. I will not answer his calls until I can hear in his voice he is.

I’m really not sure if this is protection for me, or as I have read, what I must do for him to be at that place where he wants recovery beyond all else.

I always thought having children was a learning curve that you learn as you go. I didn’t realise that it went on into their adulthood. One thing I have learnt and I am absolutely certain about is, there are no rules, ever! You do what you think is right at the time, maybe you will fuck up occasionally, but one message I would always pass on to my children is “go by your gut feeling, and if you are told that it is wrong, and you still feel your way is the right way then just do it” Don’t be afraid….

As I am tonight.

Thats why I am thinking tomorrow I will send a message to him.

“I will speak to you again, but only when you are sober”

I would love a few responses from you peeps that have found sobriety, how would you feel receiving this message? how did you feel?

Sending out love





A Sobering day


I think things are getting on top of me a little.

Not something that’s easy for me, Mrs calm and capable, to admit.

I’m not sure why, my mum is pretty poorly but its something I have been preparing myself for, maybe I’m just under the weather. I’m not someone who does illness. I still went to work even though I think I probably just needed a day in bed to rest.

I went to see a counsellor today. First time I’ve ever admitted I need someone’s help to get through this.

Giving her a quick run down of my life in last 15 years she quickly picked up on how many losses I had had.  and one of them was Faith, and I must admit at the moment I feel I have lost my son, but I do still get glimpses of him and that is what keeps me going.

The new tablets are working in that he is only drinking a limited amount, but he is drinking every day and that is no result really. He seems very down, I think we both are at the moment.

I can’t see a light at the moment

Mojo has gone a little tonight, now doubt it will be back in the morning,

Normal family. I wish

I haven’t got much to say tonight, I’ve had an OK day today (that’s a lie)

Its been my beautiful gorgeous step granddaughters first birthday. And I felt  so not a part of it, not their fault at all.

What a lovely close family they are, it just hurts me that mine can’t be like that.

And I come back to messages saying “I can’t see out of my right eye” I’ve not moved, still on my bed in pain” so many messages of pain and sadness, I can’t cope with his and mine sadness tonight.

I want my family to be normal, why can’t I have that?

I’ve just done my spellcheck and can’t came up 4 times. 😦