I’m back……… how I wish I wasn’t

Hello my friends

How I wish I wasn’t back here writing about the life I lead with an alcoholic son.

Why can I not write a nice upbeat blog about family’s, you know, day to day funny things and sometimes difficult things that happen?

I did start another blog. It’s all about positivity and how I am going to change my life for the better, I was so very determined.

I haven’t been back writing there for a while either.

So to explain, I took this blog off from view of the public because I had pointed my son towards the many useful blogs on here of recovering addicts. I found their blogs so inspiring and learnt so much from them, I thought he could too.

But I’ve come to realise that he’s not going to read them, and won’t find links to my blog, so although as I said I wish I wasn’t back here writing, in another way I am glad.

I know there are other family’s out there in my situation and it helps to write, to share, to get a response from people. Because the harsh reality is in real life, friends, colleagues, family, try to understand, want to listen a little, but they just don’t get it, don’t understand why, after so many years of dealing with Faiths alcoholism and its consequences I’m still there for him, in the background now, but there, I can never totally walk away.

So this is a quick post, at the moment my life is so very busy, I will write more and fill you in on what has been happening, there has been a lot, but tonight I just want to reach out again to my followers on here and say “hey, we are both still here and alive, surviving, getting by, let me know how you have been”

I should be cooking dinner, I will be in trouble, but, I’m so very glad I’m back blogging 👍

PS. Sorry I’ve not had time for pictures or checking my spelling etc, I just wanted to get this out there, and this is me.

 

Family and Rehab

I’m back and feeling a little more positive.

It’s been a tough few days, it appears my mum had a mini stroke, it was very worrying, but it seems she is also back, I can have a conversation with her again and her mobility is starting to return. I can’t quite believe she hasn’t been admitted to hospital, but at 82 and my dad at 86 it might do them more harm than good to be separated, so I’m not pushing the point.

It has made me step back from Faith. I had a phone call from him 2 nights ago asking for help, I told him to get out of bed get to a meeting and help himself because at the moment my mum is my priority, he of course did the usual putting the phone down on me and then calling to say “Great so I don’t matter anymore, OK I get it, goodbye” I didn’t answer because I was angry, and one thing I have learnt is it does no good to be angry and argue with an alcoholic, I later messaged him telling him he was being very selfish. Now I know, I know, alcoholics are selfish, but I was down, tired and hurt.

To my surprise I got a message back, “I’m sorry, is granddad OK?”

That’s more like the old Faith. 🙂

He had a meeting yesterday with (now this is where I get confused as to who is who) whoever it is he needs to see to be assessed for rehab. When I spoke to him in the morning he was reluctant to go, but I told him again, at the moment I did not have the energy to deal with him, if he wanted help he would have to go get it himself.

30 minutes later I got a message, “I’m at the bus stop”

So, later when I spoke to him, he said they were going to try to push for him to get into rehab quickly. This will only be for 2 weeks. Not what he needs at all. It is basically just a managed detox, which he does not need at the moment. Because he becomes ill so quickly when drinking he never gets to the stage where he would be at risk of fitting, He can detox uncomfortably but safely on his own. But he wants to go, so although I have a little twang of guilt that someone else is more in need of the bed than he is I am happy that he will get a good 2 weeks alcohol free and hopefully it might help him get himself in a better place.

He was also told to stop taking the tablets that he had been prescribed. He should not be on them. More conflicting and confusing information.

It was also suggested to Faith that he didn’t stay at my house as I had a no alcohol rule and it was dangerous for him to stop drinking. This is someone talking to him that obviously does not know him. Wonderful, someone in authority has just told him to keep on drinking.

I did not know this when Faith asked if he could come back here. I’m feeling that I could do with him not being here at the moment but how can I say no.

When I got back from work I went up to see him in his bedroom. I was pretty sure I could smell alcohol but then I knew he had been drinking. But I didn’t have the energy to check his bag and confront him, tonight it was easier on me to bend my rules.

This morning he seemed surprisingly good although he was being sick when I left for work.

He called me later at work to ask if he could stay again tonight. I’m not quite sure why he wants to but that means he doesn’t want to drink so I agree.

I get a call at work today from his buddy. she said they are not sure that the rehab being offered to Faith is the right thing for him and I agree. She was also concerned that he had been told to stop the prescribed tablets and said that he should not have been told to stop as that was a medical decision. This is where I struggle, are these people not on the same side? How confusing for Faith to be told these different things.

I have come across this so many times in the last 10 years. I really thought now Faith was under another borough that seemed so much more organised with addiction and delivering the right help that it would be a thing of the past, but here it was again!

But sense has kicked in and buddy said she knew Faith wanted the rehab so they would go with it rather than confuse him further, and it would be left that he would stop the tablets until he came back out from rehab when things would be put in place ready with lots of support.

I have to say this is making me feel much better. no idea when rehab is but I know hope and Faith are back in my heart.

But I’ve just had a call from my dad, he’s called 999, please keep my mum, Faiths Nan in your thoughts, I don’t know how Faith will cope if the worst happened.

I will stay ever positive x

Normal family. I wish

I haven’t got much to say tonight, I’ve had an OK day today (that’s a lie)

Its been my beautiful gorgeous step granddaughters first birthday. And I felt  so not a part of it, not their fault at all.

What a lovely close family they are, it just hurts me that mine can’t be like that.

And I come back to messages saying “I can’t see out of my right eye” I’ve not moved, still on my bed in pain” so many messages of pain and sadness, I can’t cope with his and mine sadness tonight.

I want my family to be normal, why can’t I have that?

I’ve just done my spellcheck and can’t came up 4 times. 😦