Birthday? What birthday? How very dare I?

IMG_1492I I had a bit of a meltdown last weekend.

I knew my birthday was looming,  the last few birthdays I’ve felt the loss of not having my daughter around on my birthday.  I don’t have a sister.  My friends who have sisters always seem to have such lovely birthdays,  it’s something women do isn’t it?

So I basically was feeling sorry for myself.  My partner stepped in and booked a meal somewhere special.

I am so lucky to live in an amazing and beautiful part of the country. The hotel where he booked the table has amazing sunset views over the sea. It’s always been bit of a joke between us, we once went in just for a drink and he walked out as he wouldn’t pay the prices.  So this really was a special treat.

Now,  if you have been reading my blog you will know Faith is in hospital.

He called me while I was at work.  I knew straight away his mind had gone again.  So I listened to his talk of all sorts of imaginary events.  I know he has no idea it’s my birthday so I don’t wait for, or be disappointed when he doesn’t wish me a happy birthday.

It’s a manic day at work. I’m covering colleagues who are on holiday. Whilst juggling my work,  trying to get the important things done, in the back of my mind I’m thinking I should call his girlfriend and the hospital.

In my lunch break I call Hope,  she doesn’t answer.  Mmmm that’s odd she hasn’t returned any of my calls since Monday when Faith went into hospital.

Aaahhh but he did say he had the phone charger.  Still odd. I thought she would have gone out and bought a new one.

I call the hospital twice. Can’t speak to anyone.

Back to the madness of work and I have no time to think about them.

When I eventually finish work,  I worked late to try and catch up, I don’t have a lot of time before we need to go out, and we need to vote also, I call Faith.  He is still totally out of it still. I can hear a nurse in the background telling another patient off. I ask if his girlfriend Hope is there, yes she’s here. “Can I speak to her, oh yes hang on, Oh I’m attached to a drip, I need to go and get her, He laughs “Ha ha, can you hear her? She is really loud and bossy, she’s trying to order everyone about” I know instantly she is not there. I tell him not to worry I will speak to her later. My house phone starts to ring. I tell Faith I will call him back.

When I pick up my house phone and hear Hopes mothers voice on the other end my heart sinks. She only ever calls when there is a problem, I know she’s going to say “have you heard anything from Hope” She does, and I want to cry. I know my evening has just gone how shall I say “tits up” .

Yes she’s concerned, she’s heard nothing from her since Monday, my heart is in free fall, I’ve been here before, then when she tells me they are in Wales on holiday I know this is going to be all down to me again. I am the only one with a key to their flat. The fact she has not been in to see Faith is extremely concerning, she just wouldn’t do that, for some crazy reason she seems to love him. My mind is working overtime, I can see her laying dead in their bed. I call the hospitals, last time she disappeared like this she was in hospital. No, she’s not been admitted anywhere. I feel sick, I call her mother back and tell her the news.

I also tell her it’s my birthday, I was just about to go out for my birthday meal, I will have to cancel it, there is no way in a million years I could go and eat my meal and enjoy it whilst thinking she could be laying unconscious or dead, this not being in contact with anyone for days is so out of character, she would have normally been keeping me updated with Faiths progress in hospital.

As you can understand she is devastated that I have to cancel my plans, And obviously very, very concerned about her daughter.

I tell my partner we will have to cancel the meal. He looks at me and shrugs. Here we are again, our lives being impacted again by the selfish alcoholics, I know that’s what he thinks. He’s right.

The journey takes 25 minutes. I ask my partner to please come in with me, I am so worried by what I might find.

As I walk into their room, there was no polite knocking, I am met by a very disheveled Hope. My immediate reaction is to hug her. Then, oh boy, does she get it. Like two barrels straight between the eyes, I am uncontrollable.

I get her mum on my phone so she can talk to her. I know the feeling of not knowing if they are OK.

She explains that she bought a cheap charger but it didn’t work, we try to get it working but I think she was right, we don’t manage to get the phone to turn on.

But I don’t stop, “you’ve had four days to get this working, you haven’t been to see Faith, what the hell have you been doing for four days?” The answer is obvious. The bed is stripped, she is shaking and slurring, uncomprehending, she offers a sorry… woah! Red rag to a bull, “sorry? Oh the explitatives that come out of my mouth, I tell her so many things that before I’ve not said. I don’t hold back.

We eventually leave, leaving her with strict instructions. I am yet again exhausted.

Now for my positive thoughts, yes I can find one. The birthday meal that was booked has amazing views when the weather is good. It was lashing down.

We found a really lovely authentic Greek restaurant that served us up the most amazing meal. The other restaurant can wait for a sunny day. So I get two birthday meals.

 

 

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My heart ♥ is in your hands

I lie awake in the debths of night

A pain as raw as the pain I felt when I gave birth to you

Fills my body

My heart ♥ a weight so heavy in my chest

My heart ♥ as strong as a lions

Or as delicate as butterfly wings

I endure the pain

I have no choice

There is no pain relief that will take this pain away

I wait

You can continue to drink your alcohol, your pain relief, until the day

You break my fragile as a butterfly wings heart ♥

Or you can reach out to the many hands outstretched to you

And make my heart ♥ whole and strong again

My heart ♥ is in your hands

If only you knew

I feel an overwhelming sadness

IMG_0803It’s day 2 of no contact.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t heard from Faith, it means I haven’t responded.

I am starting to feel a terrible sadness inside. Do I really have to stop contact for him to find his way? Will it help him? Is this what I must do?

There are no guides  –

If  A doesn’t work then resort to B. If all else fails switch off and re-boot.

It has given me some much needed peace. And I am important, I work bloody hard, full time, elderly parents that also need and deserve my time and attention.

He has called twice, first time I’m at work and it’s easy to ignore, still more accusations left on my answerphone. Then again when he knows I am home and he sounds more sober. This is the first one that starts I love you mum, I want us to have a relationship, please call me. That’s harder to ignore, but I have, and I will today.

Maybe tomorrow I will send him a message telling him I will only speak to him when he is sober. I will not answer his calls until I can hear in his voice he is.

I’m really not sure if this is protection for me, or as I have read, what I must do for him to be at that place where he wants recovery beyond all else.

I always thought having children was a learning curve that you learn as you go. I didn’t realise that it went on into their adulthood. One thing I have learnt and I am absolutely certain about is, there are no rules, ever! You do what you think is right at the time, maybe you will fuck up occasionally, but one message I would always pass on to my children is “go by your gut feeling, and if you are told that it is wrong, and you still feel your way is the right way then just do it” Don’t be afraid….

As I am tonight.

Thats why I am thinking tomorrow I will send a message to him.

“I will speak to you again, but only when you are sober”

I would love a few responses from you peeps that have found sobriety, how would you feel receiving this message? how did you feel?

Sending out love

 

 

 

A quiet day, no madness, it nearly feels normal

IMG_0802

When I woke, I called Faith. Yes I know, I know I said I was stepping back, and I am. But he called me in the early hours, I didn’t answer but he left a message which I listened to this morning.

It was more accusations. “Why had I called the police, now I had messed everything up. I am so angry with you” I didn’t listen to all of it, there was no point.

I wanted to call him in the morning when he was sober tell him one last time –

I called the police last week when you were confused and sat by a busy road because I was frightened for your safety.

I did not mention Hope, your girlfriend or her son.

I did not call Hopes mother, she called me.

If you do not want me to react when I am concerned about you I cannot know what is happening in your life.

So I am stepping out of it .

Of course he was still drunk and groggy, he didn’t take it in. But I had said it. I needed to, to make it real for me.

I have had two calls today when I was at work. Both times I didn’t answer. When I listened to the messages he left, there were more accusations, I was glad I didn’t answer. It made me more determined.

Tonight I have been out for my excercise class and I feel more relaxed. The worry is still there but I feel calmer.

How long can I keep this up? I know I must for both of us.

 

 

Did I say “double trouble”

You wouldn’t be who you are without all the difficult times, be thankful, even through the trials.

Faith was admitted to hospital on the Wednesday before Easter. His girlfriend called me when she was on her way back from the hospital to update me. He was OK, all was good, they were looking after him. The scans for a broken back came back fine.

Tomorrow she will go back and see him, she will take anything he needs with her. OK so tonight I can sleep knowing he is safe.

It’s Thursday today, last day at work before 4 days off. I’m needing that break badly, even though we will be decorating, just some time to breath. I call Faiths girlfriend at lunchtime. No reply. I call her when I leave work. No reply. I call her when I get home, no reply. I am getting concerned, I call a confused Faith, he is not sure but no he hasn’t seen her today.

So, I’m just ready to kick off my shoes and relax, but I can’t, something is wrong I know. Do I spend the night worrying or go now and check on her? I have a key for the flat, I don’t want to worry her parents who live a couple of hours drive away, so I reluctantly get back in the car and drive the 10 miles to their flat. I call again before I let myself in, I’m worried what I might find when I walk in, I know she fits when she doesn’t drink. Still no reply. I walk into the empty flat, no-one, but Faiths rucksack is packed ready with everything he needs in hospital on the bed. Now I am really getting concerned. I have to call her mother. I call to be told she has called her several times today but she hasn’t answered. Now we are both extremely concerned. I call the hospital to see if she has been admitted. No. I know she was going to the launderette, so I check there. No sign of her. I call her mum and say I am going to the hospital to see if they have seen her or heard from her. I’m starting to think she will have to be reported as missing. When oh when will this madness end.

Another drive in busy traffic to the hospital. My restful evening is rapidly disappearing. I go to see Faith, none of the hospital staff have seen or heard from his girlfriend.. I use Faiths phone to call her thinking she might answer to him. Nothing. I try to get some sense out of Faith about where she could be, but now his brain is reacting to having no alcohol and he has no idea what I’m trying to ask him.

I call his girlfriends mother to break the news. She tells me she has tracked her down, she had a fit and was admitted to hospital. She has been there all day. She is actually in the same ward as Faith. So now I am relieved she’s safe, but at the same time angry my precious time has been taken again by these two. I go to see her briefly, she doesn’t look well. By the time I get home it’s 8.30. I’m just exhausted by all this.

It looks like my worst fears are coming true, I’m now involved in the chaotic life of another alcoholic. I can hear all you al-anons out there shouting at me “step back and let go” I try so hard, but when they get so ill, when there is a real possibility of death, it’s so hard.

I know I’m preparing myself for Faiths death, I don’t ever want to think “what if”?

To follow…… security guards and dementia.

And my positive thought for today  All the strength you need is right there, inside you”

 

Did my son really need Resusitation?

IMG_0616.JPGI knew the respite would not last for long. I thought it would end when Faiths girlfriend had enough and went back home. But that wasn’t the case.

I had a phone all at work from Faiths girlfriend, she sounded distraught, I had trouble understanding what had happened. What I grasped was Faith had been at the doctors, he fitted while he was there, he had another fit in the ambulance. He is now in resus , they are working on him, “they had to revive him”

OK, so remember I’m at work. My boss and close colleagues know about Faith. They don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want them to make exceptions, I don’t want Faith to have any effect on my work life. I have been here so many times, I don’t up and leave, it would have happened so many times if I did. But I have never heard those words before “they had to revive him”

I try to put things in perspective, he has been blue lighted to hospital a fair few times. I know how alcoholics exaggerate, I’m sure they didn’t need to revive him, they never let relatives in while they are trying to stabilise someone. There is no point rushing there, I couldn’t do anything, he is in good hands. Work is ridiculously busy due to Easter, it wouldn’t go down well if I left now. And ….. I am trying to step back.

I knew it didn’t go down well with his girlfriend, but hey, this is exactly what you do to your parents! She thought I didn’t care when I said can you keep me updated.

So I carried on working, one eye on my phone. I hold a pretty responsible job and could make a mistake which could cost my company thousands, it was hard keeping my concentration. I called her again, she still wasn’t allowed in.

When I get home I finally hear he is OK, in fact “would you like to talk to him” How could he be so ill then able to talk to me? I decide I won’t go and see him, tonight was my only night of the week where I go and do my thing, I’m too tired to go. He has impacted on my life again.

A little insight into why he gets so ill.

Faith has been drinking for over a month. As I know only too well his body starts to reject the alcohol, he starts being sick. Because in the end he can’t keep alcohol down he goes into withdrawal. That is why he had a fit.

I will explain more next time, I did say I would talk about wet brain, tonight Faith is still in hospital, I have just had a lovely conversation with him, he told me all about the long walk he had today, about being on a bus, the bargain burger the lovely lady served him, he doesn’t know why his girlfriend changed her name, all while he has been safe in hospital.

Thank you wonderful hospital staff, I don’t know how you do it. I hope he sleeps tonight, I know how difficult he can be when he is confused, You have the patience of saints, where would we both be without you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Tomorrow I will visit him ,

Tonight my only positive thought is

I know they will keep him safe 

Update, and double trouble

sunset 13

Well I promised an update yesterday, so here goes.

It looks like it’s been two years since I really wrote on here. I’m sad to read back through my last few blogs and realise not much has changed. Faith is still drinking., still having spells in hospital, then short spells of sobriety.

He still has the girlfriend that he met when he was in rehab. That, you would think would be a positive. But it has just caused more chaos in his already chaotic life.

She would visit every few weeks as she lived a fair distance away. And it was a relief  when she visited. Faith was drinking heavily, when she wasn’t there, he would go days or even a week sometimes without eating, just drinking, he became very thin and weak. Sometimes he wouldn’t answer his phone and so many times I had to go check on him, afraid I might find him dead. So when she visited, she made him eat and controlled his drinking a little. I was always happy when she came to visit him, a break for me from the constant worry.

She had not had a drink since she had come out of rehab. I couldn’t understand why she kept coming back to see him. When she visited she always seemed to get sick, she said it was the stress of looking after him. Sometimes she was physically sick, then she started having fits when she visited.

Faith was having periods of sobriety during this time. When he got really sick he would be admitted to hospital, the hospital would put him on detox tablets. I started to notice a pattern. If Faith was drinking his girlfriend seemed to stay well during her visit. When he was sober, she would be ill, sometimes admitted to hospital.

I spoke to Faith about it. I asked the question that had been going through my mind for a while “do you think she could be drinking” “of course not, no, no way, she doesn’t drink, no she wouldn’t.”

Then it happened,  He called me one night “mum she’s had a fit again, but she won’t go to hospital. It’s OK I know how to look after her” OK, but if you get worried, if she gets worse, you must call an ambulance I told him.

He called me later from the hospital. She’d had another major fit, she had been taken through to majors, and then “They are treating her for alcohol withdrawal”

So the truth was out. Faith afterwards admitted he had noticed how she always took her handbag to the bathroom and found excuses to go to the shop on her own. I was surprised he had been taken in for so long, he should have known the signs. He was angry she had deceived him when he had always admitted to her when he was drinking, even though she said she would leave him if he drank again. Now he knew why she never did leave him.

So it was left to me to call her parents, they needed to be told she was in hospital, I had to give them the news that I thought would devastate them. I knew the feeling only too well. When they are sober and you hope with all your heart, this time will be the time they stay sober, when you discover they are drinking again, your heart  dies a little more, your hope is gone, you know it’s back to the madness. And I had to deliver this news.

I don’t know why I thought they wouldn’t know, she lived with them, how would they not know. I was the one who was shocked when they told me she had been drinking since she came out of rehab. They couldn’t understand why Faith still wanted to see her, they didn’t know he was drinking. What a web of lies and deceit this alcohol spreads.

So now I have two alcoholics in my life.

And there’s more to tell, the story goes on…….

I’m going to try and add a note of positivity at the end of each post. There must always be a positive.

Today my positive is the fact I have found a friend that understands how I feel, that I can talk to and know they won’t judge. Faiths girlfriends mother of course.

 

I’m back……… how I wish I wasn’t

Hello my friends

How I wish I wasn’t back here writing about the life I lead with an alcoholic son.

Why can I not write a nice upbeat blog about family’s, you know, day to day funny things and sometimes difficult things that happen?

I did start another blog. It’s all about positivity and how I am going to change my life for the better, I was so very determined.

I haven’t been back writing there for a while either.

So to explain, I took this blog off from view of the public because I had pointed my son towards the many useful blogs on here of recovering addicts. I found their blogs so inspiring and learnt so much from them, I thought he could too.

But I’ve come to realise that he’s not going to read them, and won’t find links to my blog, so although as I said I wish I wasn’t back here writing, in another way I am glad.

I know there are other family’s out there in my situation and it helps to write, to share, to get a response from people. Because the harsh reality is in real life, friends, colleagues, family, try to understand, want to listen a little, but they just don’t get it, don’t understand why, after so many years of dealing with Faiths alcoholism and its consequences I’m still there for him, in the background now, but there, I can never totally walk away.

So this is a quick post, at the moment my life is so very busy, I will write more and fill you in on what has been happening, there has been a lot, but tonight I just want to reach out again to my followers on here and say “hey, we are both still here and alive, surviving, getting by, let me know how you have been”

I should be cooking dinner, I will be in trouble, but, I’m so very glad I’m back blogging 👍

PS. Sorry I’ve not had time for pictures or checking my spelling etc, I just wanted to get this out there, and this is me.

 

Time to step back again and let go.

I feel the time coming again, when I must step back and let go.change

I cannot continue to deal with this chaos in my life every day.
I was asked to become more involved in Faiths life by the professionals whose care he was under.
Now it looks like they might be stepping back, they did promise me they wouldn’t give up on him.

He was told by his buddy on Friday that she didn’t think her help was working.

But this was after challenging his sexuality again, telling him there was someone else he could talk to about it if he would be happier doing so. They are looking for a reason for his drinking. Panic attacks and a lack of confidence are the reason he started, addiction is the reason he drinks now. I know they are just barking up the wrong tree,
Once again he felt he was being attacked.

I don’t want to put too much information on here but when he was in the depths of alcoholism, when I had thrown him out, when he had no friends no-where to stay, he was offered what he thought was a safe drinking place and a friend.
And now he has just been reminded of it again. It does make me angry when so-called professionals don’t actually understand what depths an alcoholic will go to, to get their fix.
They understood this man was a threat to Faith and suggested he removed his number from his phone, which he did. They couldn’t tell him to erase the memory of his address.
So this chat happened on Thursday. Thursday Faith was sober. Until he had this conversation with his buddy.
What does an alcoholic do when put in a situation they can’t deal with? Fight or flight? He’s never been a fighter, so he ran, straight to the nearest supermarket.
Friday he called me. Told me he had his meeting and it hadn’t been great, also told me he’d had a drink but had stopped now.
Like I believed that!
So Saturday morning my parents were visiting, I called Faith and suggested he might want to pop round and see them. “Oh Yeah, of course” he said.
In a way I knew it was a bit of a test, if he turned up he was sober, if he didn’t he was drinking.
He didn’t, he called me instead.
Mum I’m drinking and I need to tell you something.
So he then told me the full facts about the meeting, he was very upset. “Why don’t they understand all I want is s normal life with a wife and children, I am not gay, I was just very lonely and stupid, and I am still very lonely. I lost my beautiful girlfriend through drinking, I still miss her everyday. Why don’t they get it, why do they keep talking about my sexuality”
And I believe him, totally,

So I need to go shopping. I had planned parents in the morning, shopping in the afternoon. I need shoes and jacket for a wedding on Thursday. So I have to go. I need that me time, I know I will be angry if I don’t. I also know Faith desperately needs to talk, but this is where he must find someone else to talk to, It can’t be me all the time.
I tell him I have to go.
Right decision for me.
Wrong decision was taking my mobile.
So he calls, I’m in the middle of trying on shoes, he’s pretty incomprehensible, angry, upset, drunk. I say I thought we had talked about this and after you had shared with me you were going to let it go?
I’m trying to talk to the shop assistant selling me shoes at the same time. I tell him i cant talk right now. “OK I will go and cut my wrists then”
The phone goes dead.
I’ve heard the threat many times, he has done it in the past, but never meaning to actually kill himself. Every time I hear it though I hope it wont be the one time he does.
And the shoes don’t fit either.
Time for some refreshment, I have just sat down in the café when my phone rings again.
I reluctantly answer.
This time I’m aware straight away that something is really wrong, he’s breathless and very upset. “He’s called the police, he made an advance on me so I hit him, he pulled his emergency cord and said he needed the police, I’ve run mum, he fell, they will arrest me, where are you? I’m running, they are going to arrest me”
I try to talk to him, tell him he needs to go back and explain what happened, it will be Ok but you must go back and talk to the police. He’s panicking, wont listen. I tell him “You have phoned asking for my help, this is what I suggest you do, you are in this situation because of your drinking, you have made the problem, you have to deal with it, it is not my problem, take my advice or leave it”
Then of course I get “I’m running, I’m going to kill myself” The phone goes dead.

Something in his drunken mixed up head has made him go back to this place, and in his drunken mixed up head he thinks this is the way he can show people that they are wrong in what they are thinking.

I am exhausted. The joy of the shopping trip gone. I just want to cry. I look around at the other people in the café, happy chatting, think they have no idea of this phone call I have just had, this life I live. Then sensibility kicks in, i don’t know what their lives are like either, who knows what pain they are feeling right now.
Back to the first shop I went to.
And two pairs of shoes so I can decide at home, I really don’t care much now.
Faith calls later, can you talk to (?) But I haven’t got much signal, we are cut off. I don’t return the call.
Food shopping and home. Drained. A takeaway tonight I think.
About 8 he calls, I am in hospital, I ask why, because the doctor told me I needed to be here
“mum I can’t drink much without getting ill”
“Wrong Faith, one drink and you are sick again. You can’t have one drink”
“I know mum, I know”
I finish by telling him I am glad he’s in hospital, and I am, because he is safe there.

So this is all impacting so much on my life again, I know I must step back, I’m sorry, I have to look after me.
But I will just drop an email to the place where he went for rehab before I do.
You never know x

The never ending circle

karmaIts been a quiet week.

Faith has been staying at his flat and drinking. It appears he has been trying to drink in moderation.

We have spoken every day, and nearly every day he has said I need to come back, can I come back. I always say yes but he hasn’t come back.

He has pretty much spent the week on his own shut in his room just going out for alcohol and a little food. he has told me he has eaten every day.

This afternoon he turned up.

I went up to his room to talk to him.

“I can’t do this anymore mum, I just wish someone would shoot me, I need help” I try to talk to him about AA meetings, try to explain that he needs to be with people who understand and can support him. “I can’t talk in front of people” one of his anxiety problems. But he tells me he has been to a few meetings. He’s just not going to enough, and not sharing, I know. but I cant help, he has to do that.

I feel hopeless, it’s a Saturday at 6pm he’s arrived at my house. So too late to call any doctors to try to get some help. I’ve had a busy weekend so far, tonight I wanted to relax. I realise I am going to have to break my own rules again by giving him small amounts of alcohol, I know if I don’t he’s going to be very ill and I don’t want to have to deal with that tonight.

So here we are again, the never-ending circle.

How I wish I did not have to deal with this.

I wish I could write a witty funny blog, an interesting blog, but this is just a diary of my life, and its not witty or funny, its sad.