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And so the never-ending circle goes on.

I’ve left him alone, tried to forget, not called.

Then the phone rings and its him. I’m sorry I can’t do this on my own, I have tried, I know you have so much going on I don’t want to do this to you but I have tried and I just can’t stop on my own, Please can I come back to yours.

What do I say, this isn’t a drunk just asking for a roof over his head, this is my son saying I want to stop but I cant on my own, I need your help.

But I still have my Al Anon voice talking to me saying he has to find his own way of doing this. But I know his buddy is now out of the picture for 2 weeks, he had already  lost a stone in weight again even before this last bout.

So Faith is back, shut in his bedroom, he doesn’t come out when he is going through this, just for water, he is too sick to eat and to shaky to hold a plate. I’m worried and allow him a small glass of wine (breaking my own rules) but that is it, I know even that will prolong symptoms, but he shakes so much he can’t sleep and I need sleep.

He gets through the night, I can hear his distress through the walls but try to shut it out.

Another 24 hours and he has eaten a little. The sickness has stopped, The shaking is not so violent. He is starting to sound a little like himself now.

He suffers with nerve pain now. This is something that has gradually been worsening, he describes it as someone pricking his body with needles. This I can deal with, it does make me angry that the people whose care he is under say he should not be suffering withdrawal as he has such short bouts of drinking now, so needs no medication to help him through.

Well I wish they would spend one night in his shoes or mine and then tell me that.

Tonight I will sleep, his sleep will be broken but then he has nothing to do all day tomorrow but lie in his bed.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week, first time I have ever asked for help, this is really draining me

I miss my daughter dreadfully at the moment. I would normally share with her, but as she is on the other side of the world I don’t like to worry her.

At least tonight Faith is sober. That is my positive for the day.

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The expected happens

Oh well I was expecting it wasn’t I?

After writing my last blog my phone rang and he told me he was really struggling, he was sounding really angry over the phone and I tried not to react, to stay calm. Hey it was good after all he was calling me instead of drinking, that’s pretty good, I knew I pretty much had to just listen to his anger, the phone was put down on me a few times.

This is when I wish, wish I had the knowledge to know how to answer his angry questions and accusations, I’m not a councillor, just a mum, I’ve got no training for this situation. I just try to calm, to make him see he has a future, a future he cant see at the moment.

He tells me he is just eating and eating, because his mind/body is craving, he’s confused with the cravings. (my mind says woophee eat as much as you can, his body needs these calories)

He also says his body has recovered from the last binge, withdrawal symptoms now all gone apart from a little nerve tingling damage. But nothing has changed, he’s not drinking but he still has no job, no partner, no friends. I want to cry at his honesty, but I cant I have to give him positives. I try so hard against his negativities.

Its late I have to sleep, I cant keep up this putting forward positives against his never ending negatives.

So I don’t call in the morning, just message telling him to get his ass out of bed and look at the job site I sent last night.

I call his buddy in my lunch break, pass on as much info as I can, he opened up a lot last night to me and there are things she needs to know before this meeting at the doctors on Tuesday. a meeting supposed to help him but he just wants to run from. He thinks he will be attacked again as he felt he was in the last one. (He was told a few home truths that obviously hurt him when he was down)

She says she is concerned, thinks he has had a drink today.

He calls me later, he has.

I’m not surprised or shocked, OK so lets just move forward.

He’s struggling again tonight, he didn’t drink much, he wont drink again tonight, OK I say.

“Can I come home tomorrow” I reply “Of course” “I want to work but there are no jobs” There are jobs but they have to be 16 hours or less otherwise he loses  his benefits and cannot afford to house himself. It seems a messed up system, hes not fit enough for full time work, but if he works over 16hrs he will lose his benefits, he wants to work but how many jobs are there 16 hrs or less?

A message later, he can see spiders, “are they real?”

I message back, I hope not.

In bed I look for possibly jobs, I want to give him hope,

This morning I call, no answer.

I send a message “get out of bed and look for a job”

I work.

Later I see 2 missed calls, 3 messages.

After work I call, yes he has had a drink, he’s stopped now, no he doesn’t want to come round, please help me I can’t stop. drinking.

He puts the phone down on me.

He calls later to apologise, I’m sorry, I will look at those jobs, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry

So we will see what tomorrow brings. breath, just breath