Mental health week, just where is the help?

IMG_5921I write this in desperation. How do you get help? What has to happen before you get that help?

Faith is in his own world at the moment, he’s tried to detox himself, that’s not possible. But he’s been told if he doesn’t stop drinking he has 6 months. So he has reduced as suggested, his alcohol consumption. But that now leads to these symptoms of dementia.

He has been to A&E to be told come back if your symptoms worsen. How would he know?

He went to the doctor, he sent him to hospital for a blood test, I phoned the hospital to warn them he could be confused, please take him to A & E if he is.

He came back home.

Today he has had a party for his nephew at his flat, his girlfriend came back to find biscuits laid out on the table for this party that apparently I went to, his sister who is in Australia also went to. To him it is so very real and he will not be told otherwise.

She called 111, he would not talk to the mental health team so there was nothing they could do. He has walked out because everyone is getting at him. He came back, 111 was called again, there is nothing they can do because he won’t talk to them. HE’S NO IDEA WHERE HE IS OR WHAT HE IS DOING, WHY WOULD HE THINK HE NEEDS TO TALK TO ANYONE? sorry for shouting, where is the help? Oh yes, if I was rich like Declan Donnely with rich famous friends he would be safe somewhere being cared for. But I’m not, and he is not, he will be gone soon I know it.

Eventually in desperation his partner called the police, she was scared for his safety. And would you believe it they came, and they talked to him gently and kindly, it seemed to bring him back to some sense of normality  They gave him the address of a very local mental health drop in place where he could go and have a chat with some very nice people.

So I want to say thank you to those lovely policemen, I’m sorry you should never have needed to be called had the right support been in place.

I want to shout “why oh why had no-one ever told him about this place before”

I am so angry, so tired, so very very very sad.

Update………

I wrote this about a week or so ago but never got round to publishing it.

Faiths brain seems to have settled, he is taking his medication regularly which I think is helping.

I did something that the alanon “stand back and let his higher power decide” side of me would have frowned at, I got the number of the ad active group he goes to and called and eventually spoke to someone who knew him. I told her about the latest incident and how sick he is and how very worried I was about him. That was it, I told her, I got the old “because Faith hadn’t given her consent to talk to me she couldn’t discuss anything about him with me” I didn’t care, I just wanted them to be aware of how sick he is. I knew when asked, Faith would give her his consent, but I felt at least I had done something.

And it worked, the lady I spoke to called Faith, he went to see her and suddenly he was given a plan, he was given somewhere he could go everyday which he has been doing. But as happens so often, it’s actually a joke how often this happens, she has now gone sick, she will be off a while, so although it’s obviously written in his notes, is there anyone else that will care? Who will call him and arrange meetings to make sure he is attending? I doubt it.

The one thing I have learnt is this child of mine seems to have regressed back to a little child that needs my help, love and support again. I’m sorry alanon I can’t abandon him. I feel he has very few chances left. I am going to have to step in and try pointing him in the right direction. I know that’s all I can do, he has to take the steps, but he has me behind him again supporting him. And should that day come when I lose him, I will have no regrets of “if only I had done more” never-never-never-give-up-112-picture

He tells me most days he loves me, I’m trying to say it back more often.

 

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I know I need to go into rehab….

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As usual I don’t know where to start. How to describe this chaos that hard as I try not to, I get sucked into.

Once again I am on holiday cover at work. Another really stressful job,  made worse by the fact my boss “helps” because I’m sure she doesn’t have faith that I can do the job.  It involves allocating to accounts all payments that come in that day, BACS, cheque’s and cash, balancing and banking them. I’m not talking small amounts here either in quantity or entry’s. The lady I am covering has worked doing this job since forever.  It obviously takes me longer as I’m not used to doing it and there is s deadline when you have to get to the bank. Sorry to go into detail about this but just wanted to explain how it is genuinely stressful for me.

So I purposely leave my mobile in my handbag.  Fridays are particularly busy as staff can buy goods that day so the amount of cash being handled goes up. Even though I’m running behind I decide to take a very quick lunch break (salad is difficult to eat at your desk).

I make the mistake of checking my phone,  3 missed calls from Faith. I don’t call him.  Just as I finish my lunch he calls again. So get ready, here we go again……

“mum I’m really worried about Hope, she went out this morning and she’s not answering her phone, she’s been gone ages, she was only popping to the local shop, she was confused, I’m really really worried” All this in the slurred voice of a drunk, repeating himself and not making too much sense.

I tell him there is nothing I can do,  I have to get back to my desk, I suggest he calls the hospital to check she hasn’t been admitted “I have already I think I should call her mum and the police and report her as missing”  Now if you have read my earlier posts you will know this has happened before on two occasions, one being my birthday so I tell him not to call her parents or the police,  she will turn up.

Back to working, it’s full on as I am now under pressure to get this banking finished and balanced. My boss is ‘helpfully’ listing cheques for me, she is backwards and forwards to my desk.  My phone is on my desk and I ignore it’s ringing (it’s on silent but it vibrates)  I should have put it out of sight in my bag.  Hey guess what? The cheques don’t balance so now my boss is standing at my desk going through them with me,  time is ticking.  My phone rings again,  I see she notes it. I ignore it.  I noticed it was From Hopes mother. Cheques now balanced and another rush to get the cash balanced,  I’m winging it now, it doesn’t quite balance but I have no time to check it so finally,  phew, it’s all done and sent to the bank.  I take a deep breath, I still have lots to do but the time pressure is off now.  I call Faith,  he’s still extremely worried. She still hasn’t turned up,  he ignored my advice and called her parents and the police.  He’s still drunk, I tell him it’s not my problem there is nothing I can do, and I get the”oh great, it’s not your problem, thanks a lot” And it is not my problem, I have enough dealing with Faith,  I can’t take on responsibility for Hope aswell, I’m sorry but today they will have to deal with it even though they live a journey away.  I work late,  catching up and trying to prepare to do this job again on Monday.

It’s nearly 6 when I’m finally finished and I look at my phone again. There is an answerphone message from Hopes mum, I listen to it.

I can tell she is crying as she says she is sorry to bother me, Faith called them and said Hope has been missing since last night and her other daughter is picking her up so that they can come and search for her, they don’t know the area, do I have any idea where they should look?

I stop the message, What? Why did Faith tell them that? I know she was there this morning, Oh my god they must be worried sick. I call her realising they are probably already here, wishing I had looked at my phone earlier.

She is still sounding shaken when I speak to her. “Faith lied to us, she hasn’t been missing since last night, and the phone that he was calling was in his pocket all the time, she had been out trying to sort their benefits as they have no money, she is safe.

I try to make sense of it all, I tell her he is drunk and confused, he would not have purposely lied, I work out the confusion with the phone, he gave Hope his old phone,  he has just managed to get water in his phone, so he has gone back to using his old phone. I feel I am making excuses, I feel embarrassed he is my son. Then she tells me, her daughter in panic to get over here has put petrol in her diesel car, it’s been towed away, it will cost them a lot to get if fixed. I end up apologising for not taking her call, it’s OK she says she understands. Oh what total total chaos he has caused this time.

I was going food shopping after work, I can’t face it, I’m just totally exhausted.

When I get home I just collapse on the sofa, I try to find the strength to make this call I know I need to make. He will have been given the riot act by Hope, god only knows how they will deal with this, all fuelled by alcohol.

I call him. He is more sober, very subdued, apologetic, admits to everything, admits it’s all because of alcohol, admits he needs to stop, admits he needs to go to rehab…… woah, rewind, what was that? Admits he needs to go to rehab?

I ask him what he is going to do to start that process, it’s not easy to get into rehab, I know only too well. His answer is I don’t know. I tell him, like I have a hundred times before he needs to go to adactive, where there will be someone who can start guiding him through the process. He can’t go until Tuesday when they have an open door policy.

Do I hate him? Has he lost me, he asks?

I tell him I really am on the point of walking away, he has one chance to show me he is serious about not drinking, if he does not go on Tuesday that is it. I don’t want empty promises I want evidence that he is serious this time…..

Time will tell. My guess is he will be in hospital before Tuesday as he tries to stop drinking himself.

Dare I allow myself to hope this will be the time? Or am I setting myself up for more disappointment?

Birthday? What birthday? How very dare I?

IMG_1492I I had a bit of a meltdown last weekend.

I knew my birthday was looming,  the last few birthdays I’ve felt the loss of not having my daughter around on my birthday.  I don’t have a sister.  My friends who have sisters always seem to have such lovely birthdays,  it’s something women do isn’t it?

So I basically was feeling sorry for myself.  My partner stepped in and booked a meal somewhere special.

I am so lucky to live in an amazing and beautiful part of the country. The hotel where he booked the table has amazing sunset views over the sea. It’s always been bit of a joke between us, we once went in just for a drink and he walked out as he wouldn’t pay the prices.  So this really was a special treat.

Now,  if you have been reading my blog you will know Faith is in hospital.

He called me while I was at work.  I knew straight away his mind had gone again.  So I listened to his talk of all sorts of imaginary events.  I know he has no idea it’s my birthday so I don’t wait for, or be disappointed when he doesn’t wish me a happy birthday.

It’s a manic day at work. I’m covering colleagues who are on holiday. Whilst juggling my work,  trying to get the important things done, in the back of my mind I’m thinking I should call his girlfriend and the hospital.

In my lunch break I call Hope,  she doesn’t answer.  Mmmm that’s odd she hasn’t returned any of my calls since Monday when Faith went into hospital.

Aaahhh but he did say he had the phone charger.  Still odd. I thought she would have gone out and bought a new one.

I call the hospital twice. Can’t speak to anyone.

Back to the madness of work and I have no time to think about them.

When I eventually finish work,  I worked late to try and catch up, I don’t have a lot of time before we need to go out, and we need to vote also, I call Faith.  He is still totally out of it still. I can hear a nurse in the background telling another patient off. I ask if his girlfriend Hope is there, yes she’s here. “Can I speak to her, oh yes hang on, Oh I’m attached to a drip, I need to go and get her, He laughs “Ha ha, can you hear her? She is really loud and bossy, she’s trying to order everyone about” I know instantly she is not there. I tell him not to worry I will speak to her later. My house phone starts to ring. I tell Faith I will call him back.

When I pick up my house phone and hear Hopes mothers voice on the other end my heart sinks. She only ever calls when there is a problem, I know she’s going to say “have you heard anything from Hope” She does, and I want to cry. I know my evening has just gone how shall I say “tits up” .

Yes she’s concerned, she’s heard nothing from her since Monday, my heart is in free fall, I’ve been here before, then when she tells me they are in Wales on holiday I know this is going to be all down to me again. I am the only one with a key to their flat. The fact she has not been in to see Faith is extremely concerning, she just wouldn’t do that, for some crazy reason she seems to love him. My mind is working overtime, I can see her laying dead in their bed. I call the hospitals, last time she disappeared like this she was in hospital. No, she’s not been admitted anywhere. I feel sick, I call her mother back and tell her the news.

I also tell her it’s my birthday, I was just about to go out for my birthday meal, I will have to cancel it, there is no way in a million years I could go and eat my meal and enjoy it whilst thinking she could be laying unconscious or dead, this not being in contact with anyone for days is so out of character, she would have normally been keeping me updated with Faiths progress in hospital.

As you can understand she is devastated that I have to cancel my plans, And obviously very, very concerned about her daughter.

I tell my partner we will have to cancel the meal. He looks at me and shrugs. Here we are again, our lives being impacted again by the selfish alcoholics, I know that’s what he thinks. He’s right.

The journey takes 25 minutes. I ask my partner to please come in with me, I am so worried by what I might find.

As I walk into their room, there was no polite knocking, I am met by a very disheveled Hope. My immediate reaction is to hug her. Then, oh boy, does she get it. Like two barrels straight between the eyes, I am uncontrollable.

I get her mum on my phone so she can talk to her. I know the feeling of not knowing if they are OK.

She explains that she bought a cheap charger but it didn’t work, we try to get it working but I think she was right, we don’t manage to get the phone to turn on.

But I don’t stop, “you’ve had four days to get this working, you haven’t been to see Faith, what the hell have you been doing for four days?” The answer is obvious. The bed is stripped, she is shaking and slurring, uncomprehending, she offers a sorry… woah! Red rag to a bull, “sorry? Oh the explitatives that come out of my mouth, I tell her so many things that before I’ve not said. I don’t hold back.

We eventually leave, leaving her with strict instructions. I am yet again exhausted.

Now for my positive thoughts, yes I can find one. The birthday meal that was booked has amazing views when the weather is good. It was lashing down.

We found a really lovely authentic Greek restaurant that served us up the most amazing meal. The other restaurant can wait for a sunny day. So I get two birthday meals.

 

 

Less contact and a period of calm for me, but it doesn’t take away the worry

Well it hasn’t been exactly no contact over the last few days but it has been minimal and I have refused to be drawn into their dramas.

I finally had a phonecall apologising. It wasn’t a total apology and I still don’t think Faith realised how wrong and hurtful he had been. They tried to tell me the police had called and apologised to them!  What!!!  Are you serious?  I honestly believe they don’t know what is fact and what is fiction in their alcohol affected brains.

I’m afraid I didn’t just accept his apology simply because I felt he was saying sorry but he didn’t know what for.  I told him very clearly about the untruths he and Hope had accused me of. He couldn’t grasp what I was saying and phoned me later asking questions but he had the whole situation confused again.

I’m worried his brain is being permanently affected now.

The next time he called, I let it go to answerphone, he was looking for sympathy again.  “We are both sick,  we must have picked up a bug, we can’t keep water down”

This is where, what to you or me would just be an annoying unpleasant thing to deal with,  for a dependant alcoholic, it can be much more serious.  If you can’t keep water down you can’t keep alcohol down either. Which then causes much more serious symptoms.

I just replied by message “You had better both go to hospital then”

That’s all,  no sympathy.

I later hear they both were admitted to hospital at different times.  Faith was kept in for 2 days.

He called to let me know he was on his way home,  again it went to answerphone.  It was good to hear him sounding sober.

But I know it won’t last,  the hospital will have discharged him telling him to have small amounts of alcohol to help with the symptoms of withdrawal.

I didn’t believe this,  until I heard it for myself.

He is an alcoholic,  he can’t have “just a small amount”

So he will return to his drinking, I know this for a fact.

So it has worked for me, stepping back, life for me has been calmer.

It doesn’t stop this ache in my heart and fear in my stomach though.

A continuation of the madness and chaos, but enough is enough

After my last post “exhausted with chaos” things have been calmer. It has been wonderful to talk to my sober son, it feels like I have him back again, but I know it’s only temporary as he is doing none of the things he needs to do to stay sober. The fact he has no access to cash after his girlfriend froze his card is probably the reason he has stayed sober this long.

Today he got his  bank card back, today the police decided to check he was OK.  Today everything went into total chaos again.

I had a dentist appointment, the short time I was in the chair I had a 2 missed calls. One from Faith, the other from number withheld. I call Faith when I’m out.

I wish I hadn’t. “Why have you called the police about me? Why have you told them about x (his girlfriends son who she is not seeing because of her drinking) and more accusations and swearing. I cut him off. I then listen to the answerphone message left by the unknown number, the police.

” I have just checked on Faith, he appears less under the influence of alcohol than he did last time I spoke to him, his girlfriend tells me he has seen the doctor so we have no concerns over him, I hope this puts your mind at rest”.

Well, I don’t know, obviously last time my point that “he may sound like he’s drunk but he’s not, he is sick and needs to be in hospital” just didn’t get through. And now your visit to him has just caused more chaos and confusion.

I call Faith again to reassure him that the police were only checking on him to see that he was safe. All I get is more abuse and accusations, apparently they “interrogated” his girlfriend. I decide there is no point carrying on the conversation and drive on to work.

Lunchtime I look at my phone , that was a mistake. This is something new I have not talked about on here, my brother is estranged from his son. I think that’s the right word to describe it. I have been the piggy in the middle between him and his x wife trying to sort contact. My brother is very difficult to deal with, and things have broken down. Today is the day he announces that he wants nothing to do with the negative people in his life which starts with me and “my parents”

Just breath just breath and return to the office and work. My elderly parents will be traumatised, he has done this so many times to them but they are getting so old and frail, my dad is 90 this year. This could kill my mum, because she is like me, a mum, no matter what, you love your kids.

When I leave work I call Faith. More accusations, his girlfriend Hope has been interrogated by the police about her son who doesn’t live with her. I try to say I never mentioned his girlfriend or her son, I was just concerned for his safety. Where has this all come from, just the police checking Faith was Ok? I finally tell Faith I cannot deal with this anymore,  I can’t speak to him again until he is sober, enough is enough, I need to protect myself from the global amnesia I suffered in the past  when my brain actually says “enough is enough”

But it doesn’t stop. I turn my phone off. They both call the landline, I ignore it. I decide to make it clearer to him. I message to say I want the money I lent him for rent back (another story) I send my bank details. I reject calls but listen to answerphone messages left by both of them. It appears Faith is going to get cash out to pay me back. That’s a disaster about to happen so I call him to tell him not to get cash, to transfer the money. But, yeah it’s too late. He’s just got money out and some woman spun him a story and disappeared with the cash. I believe him, I know how vulnerable he is. His girlfriend doesn’t, she goes to the shop to check, it’s true.

I have a real heart to heart with his girlfriend, I pull no punches, I tell her straight how it is, why these things keep happening to them, I cannot deal with it anymore, she makes excuses, I will have none of it, I tell her everything, including the fact, she cannot see her son is down to alcohol. She won’t listen.

Then her mother calls, they called her by mistake now she wants to know what’s going on, I tell her everything, I cry.

Tonight I have taken to my bed. I can deal with no more. Tonight my other family has suffered, I haven’t cooked, my younger son quietly does household jobs to help me, I know he’s concerned about me. I cry, I can’t eat, tonight their alcoholism has consumed me. I know I need to step back, for my sanity I have too.

Tonight I have no pretty pictures to add, no spell check, tonight I just had to get my thoughts out, try and soothe my brain.

Thats it. My day, my evening, once again taken over by this addiction and its consequences.

Tomorrow I will go to work and smile, no-one will know, it’s not something to talk about.

 

Exhausted with the chaos

My posts might be a bit mixed up and sporadic.  I write when I have time and when I feel I must.

I actually don’t know how to write about today.  It started last night. Faith had come out of hospital that day and he was sober.  I cannot explain how good it feels to talk to someone who is sober after days or weeks of rubbish conversations.  Well they are not conversations, just me listening.

He called about 10pm to complain about his also alcoholic girlfriend. She had gone up to the shop with his bank card to buy them a pizza.  In her muddled alcohol soaked brain she had put in her pin not his and the cash machine ate his bank card.  Now I need to mention he has no photo ID as he has lost both his passport and driving licence at different drunken times. So the still in detox without supporting medication alcoholic is dealing with another alcoholics chaotic life.  I calm him,  tomorrow it will be sorted.  30 minutes later,  11pm ish,  another call,  she has tidied up while he has been in hospital,  and now can’t remember where she put all his bank papers.  A lot of expletions……

I calm him a little and try to sleep.

6.30 next morning he is on the phone.

I think I have to give his girlfriend a name now…. lets call her “Hope” how fitting, Faith and Hope.

He has walked out of his flat because Hope thinks it’s only 6am in the morning, it is in fact 6.30 am, she wants to sleep, Faith thinks it’s about 11am, he has had enough, all she does is sleep, and these other guys in the room “are they twins?” I am thinking woah,  what’s going on here, it doesn’t take long, the withdrawal symptoms of confusion are here, out in the real world.

I call 111, I know he needs to be back in hospital.  “If your not with him,  there is nothing we can do,  call the police”.  Oh I’ve been here before,  mental health,  the support is zero.

I call Faith. He is sat on a wall by a busy road. He’s not sure where.  I get some details of what he is wearing.

So I call the police,  not 999 just the none emergency number. It rings for 10 minutes before someone answers,  I’m watching the clock as I need to get into work.  They take all the details but say if he doesn’t want to go to hospital they can’t make him.  I tell them I realise that but when he is in hospital and sick like this they take away his rights to leave.  Still the same answer but they will check on him.

I call Faith again. He has gone back to his flat and he and his girlfriend are in the middle of a big argument. It’s impossible to talk to Faith as he is too busy shouting at Hope.  I ask to talk to her,  ask her to be quiet for a moment so I can talk to Faith,  it doesn’t work,  I put down the phone.

I’m late for work, I rush to get ready.  Faith calls again,  he’s left the flat, he’s not going back.  As I’m driving to work I call the police again.  Yes as I am driving I call the police!  All the time I am driving I am looking for the next place I can pull over safely to talk when they answer.  I’m actually just walking into work when they answer.  I try to explain that Faith may appear drunk but he’s not,  I think it’s important they know that.  She interrupts me to say she has an update on the case.

“We called him on his phone and spoke to him, he is fine, we have no cause for concern ”

I try to explain that he might say he is but he is not.  She is very dismissive. I’m just a neurotic mother,  she has more pressing problems. I can tell that’s what she’s thinking.

As I walk through the doors of my work place, late, I struggle to keep back the tears,  she might be busy soon dealing with a road traffic accident, unidentified male has walked out into busy traffic…….

So there we have it,  it’s 8.45 and I feel like I have run a marathon but have a full day at work ahead of me.

I try to forget,  I work.  At lunchtime I call him again.  He is sat in Macdonalds eating a burger Hope bought him.  Yeah he’s fine,  has no recollection of anything that happened earlier that day, “Why was I concerned?”

I can tell he’s better than he was and certainly less agitated, it’s good he’s eating. That always seems to help with the healing of his brain.

When I get home from work I feel total exhaustion.  I can’t explain it. This is the impact the alcoholic has on my life. This is why al-anon tell me to step back and let go,  for my sanity.

How in God’s name do I do that?

Did my son really need Resusitation?

IMG_0616.JPGI knew the respite would not last for long. I thought it would end when Faiths girlfriend had enough and went back home. But that wasn’t the case.

I had a phone all at work from Faiths girlfriend, she sounded distraught, I had trouble understanding what had happened. What I grasped was Faith had been at the doctors, he fitted while he was there, he had another fit in the ambulance. He is now in resus , they are working on him, “they had to revive him”

OK, so remember I’m at work. My boss and close colleagues know about Faith. They don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want them to make exceptions, I don’t want Faith to have any effect on my work life. I have been here so many times, I don’t up and leave, it would have happened so many times if I did. But I have never heard those words before “they had to revive him”

I try to put things in perspective, he has been blue lighted to hospital a fair few times. I know how alcoholics exaggerate, I’m sure they didn’t need to revive him, they never let relatives in while they are trying to stabilise someone. There is no point rushing there, I couldn’t do anything, he is in good hands. Work is ridiculously busy due to Easter, it wouldn’t go down well if I left now. And ….. I am trying to step back.

I knew it didn’t go down well with his girlfriend, but hey, this is exactly what you do to your parents! She thought I didn’t care when I said can you keep me updated.

So I carried on working, one eye on my phone. I hold a pretty responsible job and could make a mistake which could cost my company thousands, it was hard keeping my concentration. I called her again, she still wasn’t allowed in.

When I get home I finally hear he is OK, in fact “would you like to talk to him” How could he be so ill then able to talk to me? I decide I won’t go and see him, tonight was my only night of the week where I go and do my thing, I’m too tired to go. He has impacted on my life again.

A little insight into why he gets so ill.

Faith has been drinking for over a month. As I know only too well his body starts to reject the alcohol, he starts being sick. Because in the end he can’t keep alcohol down he goes into withdrawal. That is why he had a fit.

I will explain more next time, I did say I would talk about wet brain, tonight Faith is still in hospital, I have just had a lovely conversation with him, he told me all about the long walk he had today, about being on a bus, the bargain burger the lovely lady served him, he doesn’t know why his girlfriend changed her name, all while he has been safe in hospital.

Thank you wonderful hospital staff, I don’t know how you do it. I hope he sleeps tonight, I know how difficult he can be when he is confused, You have the patience of saints, where would we both be without you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.

Tomorrow I will visit him ,

Tonight my only positive thought is

I know they will keep him safe 

And so here we are again…………………………

life repeating

I haven’t been here for a while.

I have been having a sense of normality. A normal life.

We visited the doctor and Faith was given some tablets to help him detox. That was Thursday last week, but I was going away Friday and I am supposed to be in charge of his tablets. He needed to detox, I needed my week end away, So we just didn’t tell the doctor. I think if we had she wouldn’t have given Faith the tablets. I wouldn’t have gone with him to the doctors if I didn’t believe he was safe medicating himself.

So I went away, I was aware all week end of what he was going through but managed to put it to the back of my mind. We did stay in contact so that I knew he was OK, but I did try hard to forget for a while.

And he did it, on his own, so we have had a whole week and a bit sober. He was back, this son of mine.

Thanks to some lovely people who have contacted me, he has found some online support which I know has helped him immensely. But I know he needs to go to meetings and get that face to face support.

So I spoke to him Thursday. He’s been unable to attend any of his support groups due to yet another red tape mess up. I knew he was struggling, that sixth sense, so suggested he went to an afternoon AA meeting which I know he has been to before. He replied he might.

Well he didn’t go, Friday he called me, I had a drink. Yeah well that’s no shock, I did say to him “if you had gone to that meeting Faith you might well be sober now” He replied “Yes I know”

So here we are again, he asked to come back to my house. This time I did say “remember my new rule, if you do come here you have to attend AA meetings”. Yes I will when I’m feeling better, I’m not well enough to attend a meeting. I replied that maybe he wasn’t well enough but, he had been, and he hadn’t gone. I know this is where I have got to get tougher again.

So last night he was here in his room. He is frightened, he’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is, he cries, he knows all about wet brain, as do I, this is concerning, but then Faiths whole life is concerning. There’s not much I can say other than if he stops drinking now he could be OK.

Today I had to go out again, I refuse to let his illness impact my life totally. I try to minimise the chaos.

He called me many times but I had my phone on silent. I did call him twice calming him.

When I came home I wasn’t convinced he hadn’t had a drink, I checked his bag, I can’t check everywhere in his room, He swore he hadn’t, he said it was just the confusion. I’m not convinced but can’t prove otherwise.

As I have sat here writing this he has come downstairs and walked out of the front door.

Just gone,  into the night, this oh so thin, oh so sick, gentle guy and I didn’t stop him. I now know he was drinking today.

There is nothing I can do, I am helpless over alcohol.

I just pray one day he will learn that lesson.

And so here we go again…………………

please-help-me-chores-hand-666101

And so the never-ending circle goes on.

I’ve left him alone, tried to forget, not called.

Then the phone rings and its him. I’m sorry I can’t do this on my own, I have tried, I know you have so much going on I don’t want to do this to you but I have tried and I just can’t stop on my own, Please can I come back to yours.

What do I say, this isn’t a drunk just asking for a roof over his head, this is my son saying I want to stop but I cant on my own, I need your help.

But I still have my Al Anon voice talking to me saying he has to find his own way of doing this. But I know his buddy is now out of the picture for 2 weeks, he had already  lost a stone in weight again even before this last bout.

So Faith is back, shut in his bedroom, he doesn’t come out when he is going through this, just for water, he is too sick to eat and to shaky to hold a plate. I’m worried and allow him a small glass of wine (breaking my own rules) but that is it, I know even that will prolong symptoms, but he shakes so much he can’t sleep and I need sleep.

He gets through the night, I can hear his distress through the walls but try to shut it out.

Another 24 hours and he has eaten a little. The sickness has stopped, The shaking is not so violent. He is starting to sound a little like himself now.

He suffers with nerve pain now. This is something that has gradually been worsening, he describes it as someone pricking his body with needles. This I can deal with, it does make me angry that the people whose care he is under say he should not be suffering withdrawal as he has such short bouts of drinking now, so needs no medication to help him through.

Well I wish they would spend one night in his shoes or mine and then tell me that.

Tonight I will sleep, his sleep will be broken but then he has nothing to do all day tomorrow but lie in his bed.

I have a doctor’s appointment this week, first time I have ever asked for help, this is really draining me

I miss my daughter dreadfully at the moment. I would normally share with her, but as she is on the other side of the world I don’t like to worry her.

At least tonight Faith is sober. That is my positive for the day.

Wish I did not need to fight

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass… get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.”
Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Bit tired and overwhelmed.

Faith called me today, he was here going through detox withdrawal, I had a few saved tablets from last time, I mean a few, 3. which I used to help him through, he seemed to be over the worse and nearly back to normal,  then decided to go home, maybe my new rule pushed him, if he wants to stay here to try to find sobriety he must attend AA meetings. For whatever reason he went back to his flat.

I spoke to him this morning and he told me he had to go home as he needed to drink and couldn’t at mine.

Glad my rules are sticking.

Now he wants to come back. I try to explain that I cannot keep going through this. Looking after him while he is sick , then he goes back home and to drinking.

He tells me to call in a while. I know he has made his choice.

So have done the things I need to do, gone home, called again, know he’s drinking so let go.

I will now wait to have that call “I need help” but I am a little scared as the guy at hospital has put in place that he should not get the tablets he needs for detox as he feels he does not need them from the doctor or hospital.

I feel a fight looming on the horizon, I understand what his hospital guy is saying, this is something Faith thinks he can rely on when he wants to stop drinking, if it’s not there maybe he wont? will? I just don’t know, all I know is it falls into my life, and I don’t know what to do now. I am the one that at the end of the day needs to decide when he is going through withdrawal if he needs an ambulance, but they have also been warned not to accept him unless he is really ill.

I feel pretty much dumped on.

Feel very much its been left to me.

This is probably very much jumbled, just me putting into words what I am feeling.

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