And so here we are again…………………………

life repeating

I haven’t been here for a while.

I have been having a sense of normality. A normal life.

We visited the doctor and Faith was given some tablets to help him detox. That was Thursday last week, but I was going away Friday and I am supposed to be in charge of his tablets. He needed to detox, I needed my week end away, So we just didn’t tell the doctor. I think if we had she wouldn’t have given Faith the tablets. I wouldn’t have gone with him to the doctors if I didn’t believe he was safe medicating himself.

So I went away, I was aware all week end of what he was going through but managed to put it to the back of my mind. We did stay in contact so that I knew he was OK, but I did try hard to forget for a while.

And he did it, on his own, so we have had a whole week and a bit sober. He was back, this son of mine.

Thanks to some lovely people who have contacted me, he has found some online support which I know has helped him immensely. But I know he needs to go to meetings and get that face to face support.

So I spoke to him Thursday. He’s been unable to attend any of his support groups due to yet another red tape mess up. I knew he was struggling, that sixth sense, so suggested he went to an afternoon AA meeting which I know he has been to before. He replied he might.

Well he didn’t go, Friday he called me, I had a drink. Yeah well that’s no shock, I did say to him “if you had gone to that meeting Faith you might well be sober now” He replied “Yes I know”

So here we are again, he asked to come back to my house. This time I did say “remember my new rule, if you do come here you have to attend AA meetings”. Yes I will when I’m feeling better, I’m not well enough to attend a meeting. I replied that maybe he wasn’t well enough but, he had been, and he hadn’t gone. I know this is where I have got to get tougher again.

So last night he was here in his room. He is frightened, he’s confused, doesn’t know what day it is, he cries, he knows all about wet brain, as do I, this is concerning, but then Faiths whole life is concerning. There’s not much I can say other than if he stops drinking now he could be OK.

Today I had to go out again, I refuse to let his illness impact my life totally. I try to minimise the chaos.

He called me many times but I had my phone on silent. I did call him twice calming him.

When I came home I wasn’t convinced he hadn’t had a drink, I checked his bag, I can’t check everywhere in his room, He swore he hadn’t, he said it was just the confusion. I’m not convinced but can’t prove otherwise.

As I have sat here writing this he has come downstairs and walked out of the front door.

Just gone,  into the night, this oh so thin, oh so sick, gentle guy and I didn’t stop him. I now know he was drinking today.

There is nothing I can do, I am helpless over alcohol.

I just pray one day he will learn that lesson.

And so here we go again…………………

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Trust and Faith

faith 2

Well my blog and bed was the plan!

Faith called about 8pm to say he should have taken up my offer to come home. “Well I did offer earlier but I’m tired now and in my pj’s”. Oh OK.

10 minutes later he calls to say he has started walking but he’s feeling dizzy so he is sitting on a bench. Luckily my other son volunteers to go and pick him up.

He arrives home and askes  if he can go straight up to bed.

I go up later to talk to him, he was too scared to stay on his own, he was worried if he went to sleep he wouldn’t wake up, how sad to be scared like that.

So today has been pretty calm.

He was still here when I arrived home and looking better. He’s eaten some food today and is much more talkative.

I had a conversation with his buddy today and it wasn’t good news. Funding for the rehab that I found does come from the government and the pot is empty. She will still encourage Faith to go through the process to gain a place but the chances are, if he does get a place it will be for only 2 weeks. She agrees with me that 2 weeks is a waste of time, he can do 2 weeks by himself, its after that he falls.

So not much hope there. I will just have to trust and believe that he can do this on his own.

I will just have to have faith. after all, today he is sober.