I should be happy but I’m very very frightened

IMG_66342 days, that’s all, 2 days and I will be flying off to the sun (although looking at the forecast I would be better staying here). I should be feeling excited, but I’m really really concerned for Faith, and he is sober!

After yet another emergency admission to hospital and a five day detox (the two week detox never happened) Faith is back out and living with his drinking girlfriend. But this hospital admission was different. In the past he has been warned he is at the point where his liver will develop cirrhosis if he continues to drink. This time he was told to forget that, he will go straight to liver failure.

Update update….. I started writing that a few weeks ago.

I went on holiday and oh my god he stayed sober for the time I was away. I think he actually made 5 nearly 6 weeks sober. But of course, living with another alcoholic eventually got to him.

He has been drinking for about two weeks now. Well he was until yet another hospital admission yesterday. (I so must start this chart of expenses to the NHS)

He was left in the corridor as they were busy where he had a major fit.

He had been admitted because he had been sick with fresh blood

They were thinking about taking him to resus because his heart ♥ was struggling. This is the third time now his body is starting to give up.

But, after yet another intrusive expensive camera down his throat, white blood cells  and vitamins into his veins he seems to have recovered.

Enough to apparently maybe go home tomorrow. But I know, 3 days? 3 days is not enough for him not to have the DT’s?

Surely they will not send him home saying “drink small amounts of alcohol”

All I know is he cannot go back to that flat with his drinking partner.

If he does will his next hospital admission be his last?

I am burying my parents ashes on the 11th September.

The plot is big enough for 4.

Please please god don’t let me be putting my son in there to join them 😭

I am running out of hope and things to say.

Life just seems to be on repeat with just a little more anxiety each time.

In fact I think for the first time in my life I am starting to have anxiety, awake in the night not being able to calm my racing mind. I guess I have done well up until now to be OK.

But what choice do I have, I still love Faith, I will until my last breath as any mother would. But, I am facing the facts that my last breath will be after his.

Sorry, a rather negative post, I guess that’s how I’m feeling right now.

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Time to step back again and let go.

I feel the time coming again, when I must step back and let go.change

I cannot continue to deal with this chaos in my life every day.
I was asked to become more involved in Faiths life by the professionals whose care he was under.
Now it looks like they might be stepping back, they did promise me they wouldn’t give up on him.

He was told by his buddy on Friday that she didn’t think her help was working.

But this was after challenging his sexuality again, telling him there was someone else he could talk to about it if he would be happier doing so. They are looking for a reason for his drinking. Panic attacks and a lack of confidence are the reason he started, addiction is the reason he drinks now. I know they are just barking up the wrong tree,
Once again he felt he was being attacked.

I don’t want to put too much information on here but when he was in the depths of alcoholism, when I had thrown him out, when he had no friends no-where to stay, he was offered what he thought was a safe drinking place and a friend.
And now he has just been reminded of it again. It does make me angry when so-called professionals don’t actually understand what depths an alcoholic will go to, to get their fix.
They understood this man was a threat to Faith and suggested he removed his number from his phone, which he did. They couldn’t tell him to erase the memory of his address.
So this chat happened on Thursday. Thursday Faith was sober. Until he had this conversation with his buddy.
What does an alcoholic do when put in a situation they can’t deal with? Fight or flight? He’s never been a fighter, so he ran, straight to the nearest supermarket.
Friday he called me. Told me he had his meeting and it hadn’t been great, also told me he’d had a drink but had stopped now.
Like I believed that!
So Saturday morning my parents were visiting, I called Faith and suggested he might want to pop round and see them. “Oh Yeah, of course” he said.
In a way I knew it was a bit of a test, if he turned up he was sober, if he didn’t he was drinking.
He didn’t, he called me instead.
Mum I’m drinking and I need to tell you something.
So he then told me the full facts about the meeting, he was very upset. “Why don’t they understand all I want is s normal life with a wife and children, I am not gay, I was just very lonely and stupid, and I am still very lonely. I lost my beautiful girlfriend through drinking, I still miss her everyday. Why don’t they get it, why do they keep talking about my sexuality”
And I believe him, totally,

So I need to go shopping. I had planned parents in the morning, shopping in the afternoon. I need shoes and jacket for a wedding on Thursday. So I have to go. I need that me time, I know I will be angry if I don’t. I also know Faith desperately needs to talk, but this is where he must find someone else to talk to, It can’t be me all the time.
I tell him I have to go.
Right decision for me.
Wrong decision was taking my mobile.
So he calls, I’m in the middle of trying on shoes, he’s pretty incomprehensible, angry, upset, drunk. I say I thought we had talked about this and after you had shared with me you were going to let it go?
I’m trying to talk to the shop assistant selling me shoes at the same time. I tell him i cant talk right now. “OK I will go and cut my wrists then”
The phone goes dead.
I’ve heard the threat many times, he has done it in the past, but never meaning to actually kill himself. Every time I hear it though I hope it wont be the one time he does.
And the shoes don’t fit either.
Time for some refreshment, I have just sat down in the café when my phone rings again.
I reluctantly answer.
This time I’m aware straight away that something is really wrong, he’s breathless and very upset. “He’s called the police, he made an advance on me so I hit him, he pulled his emergency cord and said he needed the police, I’ve run mum, he fell, they will arrest me, where are you? I’m running, they are going to arrest me”
I try to talk to him, tell him he needs to go back and explain what happened, it will be Ok but you must go back and talk to the police. He’s panicking, wont listen. I tell him “You have phoned asking for my help, this is what I suggest you do, you are in this situation because of your drinking, you have made the problem, you have to deal with it, it is not my problem, take my advice or leave it”
Then of course I get “I’m running, I’m going to kill myself” The phone goes dead.

Something in his drunken mixed up head has made him go back to this place, and in his drunken mixed up head he thinks this is the way he can show people that they are wrong in what they are thinking.

I am exhausted. The joy of the shopping trip gone. I just want to cry. I look around at the other people in the café, happy chatting, think they have no idea of this phone call I have just had, this life I live. Then sensibility kicks in, i don’t know what their lives are like either, who knows what pain they are feeling right now.
Back to the first shop I went to.
And two pairs of shoes so I can decide at home, I really don’t care much now.
Faith calls later, can you talk to (?) But I haven’t got much signal, we are cut off. I don’t return the call.
Food shopping and home. Drained. A takeaway tonight I think.
About 8 he calls, I am in hospital, I ask why, because the doctor told me I needed to be here
“mum I can’t drink much without getting ill”
“Wrong Faith, one drink and you are sick again. You can’t have one drink”
“I know mum, I know”
I finish by telling him I am glad he’s in hospital, and I am, because he is safe there.

So this is all impacting so much on my life again, I know I must step back, I’m sorry, I have to look after me.
But I will just drop an email to the place where he went for rehab before I do.
You never know x

The never ending circle

karmaIts been a quiet week.

Faith has been staying at his flat and drinking. It appears he has been trying to drink in moderation.

We have spoken every day, and nearly every day he has said I need to come back, can I come back. I always say yes but he hasn’t come back.

He has pretty much spent the week on his own shut in his room just going out for alcohol and a little food. he has told me he has eaten every day.

This afternoon he turned up.

I went up to his room to talk to him.

“I can’t do this anymore mum, I just wish someone would shoot me, I need help” I try to talk to him about AA meetings, try to explain that he needs to be with people who understand and can support him. “I can’t talk in front of people” one of his anxiety problems. But he tells me he has been to a few meetings. He’s just not going to enough, and not sharing, I know. but I cant help, he has to do that.

I feel hopeless, it’s a Saturday at 6pm he’s arrived at my house. So too late to call any doctors to try to get some help. I’ve had a busy weekend so far, tonight I wanted to relax. I realise I am going to have to break my own rules again by giving him small amounts of alcohol, I know if I don’t he’s going to be very ill and I don’t want to have to deal with that tonight.

So here we are again, the never-ending circle.

How I wish I did not have to deal with this.

I wish I could write a witty funny blog, an interesting blog, but this is just a diary of my life, and its not witty or funny, its sad.