Time to step back again and let go.

I feel the time coming again, when I must step back and let go.change

I cannot continue to deal with this chaos in my life every day.
I was asked to become more involved in Faiths life by the professionals whose care he was under.
Now it looks like they might be stepping back, they did promise me they wouldn’t give up on him.

He was told by his buddy on Friday that she didn’t think her help was working.

But this was after challenging his sexuality again, telling him there was someone else he could talk to about it if he would be happier doing so. They are looking for a reason for his drinking. Panic attacks and a lack of confidence are the reason he started, addiction is the reason he drinks now. I know they are just barking up the wrong tree,
Once again he felt he was being attacked.

I don’t want to put too much information on here but when he was in the depths of alcoholism, when I had thrown him out, when he had no friends no-where to stay, he was offered what he thought was a safe drinking place and a friend.
And now he has just been reminded of it again. It does make me angry when so-called professionals don’t actually understand what depths an alcoholic will go to, to get their fix.
They understood this man was a threat to Faith and suggested he removed his number from his phone, which he did. They couldn’t tell him to erase the memory of his address.
So this chat happened on Thursday. Thursday Faith was sober. Until he had this conversation with his buddy.
What does an alcoholic do when put in a situation they can’t deal with? Fight or flight? He’s never been a fighter, so he ran, straight to the nearest supermarket.
Friday he called me. Told me he had his meeting and it hadn’t been great, also told me he’d had a drink but had stopped now.
Like I believed that!
So Saturday morning my parents were visiting, I called Faith and suggested he might want to pop round and see them. “Oh Yeah, of course” he said.
In a way I knew it was a bit of a test, if he turned up he was sober, if he didn’t he was drinking.
He didn’t, he called me instead.
Mum I’m drinking and I need to tell you something.
So he then told me the full facts about the meeting, he was very upset. “Why don’t they understand all I want is s normal life with a wife and children, I am not gay, I was just very lonely and stupid, and I am still very lonely. I lost my beautiful girlfriend through drinking, I still miss her everyday. Why don’t they get it, why do they keep talking about my sexuality”
And I believe him, totally,

So I need to go shopping. I had planned parents in the morning, shopping in the afternoon. I need shoes and jacket for a wedding on Thursday. So I have to go. I need that me time, I know I will be angry if I don’t. I also know Faith desperately needs to talk, but this is where he must find someone else to talk to, It can’t be me all the time.
I tell him I have to go.
Right decision for me.
Wrong decision was taking my mobile.
So he calls, I’m in the middle of trying on shoes, he’s pretty incomprehensible, angry, upset, drunk. I say I thought we had talked about this and after you had shared with me you were going to let it go?
I’m trying to talk to the shop assistant selling me shoes at the same time. I tell him i cant talk right now. “OK I will go and cut my wrists then”
The phone goes dead.
I’ve heard the threat many times, he has done it in the past, but never meaning to actually kill himself. Every time I hear it though I hope it wont be the one time he does.
And the shoes don’t fit either.
Time for some refreshment, I have just sat down in the café when my phone rings again.
I reluctantly answer.
This time I’m aware straight away that something is really wrong, he’s breathless and very upset. “He’s called the police, he made an advance on me so I hit him, he pulled his emergency cord and said he needed the police, I’ve run mum, he fell, they will arrest me, where are you? I’m running, they are going to arrest me”
I try to talk to him, tell him he needs to go back and explain what happened, it will be Ok but you must go back and talk to the police. He’s panicking, wont listen. I tell him “You have phoned asking for my help, this is what I suggest you do, you are in this situation because of your drinking, you have made the problem, you have to deal with it, it is not my problem, take my advice or leave it”
Then of course I get “I’m running, I’m going to kill myself” The phone goes dead.

Something in his drunken mixed up head has made him go back to this place, and in his drunken mixed up head he thinks this is the way he can show people that they are wrong in what they are thinking.

I am exhausted. The joy of the shopping trip gone. I just want to cry. I look around at the other people in the café, happy chatting, think they have no idea of this phone call I have just had, this life I live. Then sensibility kicks in, i don’t know what their lives are like either, who knows what pain they are feeling right now.
Back to the first shop I went to.
And two pairs of shoes so I can decide at home, I really don’t care much now.
Faith calls later, can you talk to (?) But I haven’t got much signal, we are cut off. I don’t return the call.
Food shopping and home. Drained. A takeaway tonight I think.
About 8 he calls, I am in hospital, I ask why, because the doctor told me I needed to be here
“mum I can’t drink much without getting ill”
“Wrong Faith, one drink and you are sick again. You can’t have one drink”
“I know mum, I know”
I finish by telling him I am glad he’s in hospital, and I am, because he is safe there.

So this is all impacting so much on my life again, I know I must step back, I’m sorry, I have to look after me.
But I will just drop an email to the place where he went for rehab before I do.
You never know x

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New rule and conflicting advice

Conflicting%20inner%20voicesOh,  I’m pretty tired tonight.

Had a conversation last night with a Faith going through detox. He has been told so many conflicting things. Don’t stay with mum as she is an alcohol free zone and you must not stop drinking without meds and supervision. Don’t listen to mum she doesn’t understand alcoholism and the dangers of stopping drinking. I want to scream at these people who dish out advice without knowing the bigger picture.

I have lived with alcoholism for 10 years,  I think I know more about how the alcoholic feels and why they act as they do than these so-called experts. When your child is sick you find out all you can about their illness don’t you?  This can’t just be me?

I do know how dangerous it is to stop drinking without medical help,  I have been the one on the phone saying how sick my son is and how frightened I am. I have seen him hallucinating (when he was in a controlled rehab detox situation) and fitting when not. He became so sick he was sent to hospital from rehab and had a brain scan. I have seen him being sick unable to keep fluids down for days on end, I do get it!!

I also know from mothers instinct, time spent with him, this never-ending journey, when he can detox safely, when he does not need to be told to keep drinking, when at the end of that  time of drinking (because he has been told to drink) I will be concerned about how safe he is to detox on his own.

Sorry but his confused mind has been more confused by this so-called help and at the end of the day when they go home, I am left with the confusion, because at this time I cannot walk away because I understand his confusion, it mixes with mine.

Because he has also been told to go to my house,  (a place of safety and sobriety) by his buddy who does know him and how he works and who I am, because she thinks it is the best place for him to be at this moment in time.

I wish and understand at the end of the day it is Faith who should make these decisions himself, but with all this conflicting advice and his own alcoholic brain screaming at him what chance does he have to make any decision

I think the only people who can give him real advice are the people who have walked his path before him.

I have laid down a new rule tonight which he has accepted.

When he is in my home because he wants so try to find sobriety he must go to AA meetings.

When I first set down the rule of no alcohol in my home it was hard at for him to accept. He tried to break it but finally accepted. But he has accepted now and I think he finds a relief in it.

I hope my new rule will help him find his way to sobriety.

I can’t make him, but I do know how much my support means to him, I hope it helps to lead him in the right direction.

I know this is not stepping back and letting his higher power take over as I am supposed to do.

We have both tried that.

Tonight he has decided to go home.

So he is not ready to accept the new rule yet.

All I can do is wait, hopefully he will accept soon.

The expected happens

Oh well I was expecting it wasn’t I?

After writing my last blog my phone rang and he told me he was really struggling, he was sounding really angry over the phone and I tried not to react, to stay calm. Hey it was good after all he was calling me instead of drinking, that’s pretty good, I knew I pretty much had to just listen to his anger, the phone was put down on me a few times.

This is when I wish, wish I had the knowledge to know how to answer his angry questions and accusations, I’m not a councillor, just a mum, I’ve got no training for this situation. I just try to calm, to make him see he has a future, a future he cant see at the moment.

He tells me he is just eating and eating, because his mind/body is craving, he’s confused with the cravings. (my mind says woophee eat as much as you can, his body needs these calories)

He also says his body has recovered from the last binge, withdrawal symptoms now all gone apart from a little nerve tingling damage. But nothing has changed, he’s not drinking but he still has no job, no partner, no friends. I want to cry at his honesty, but I cant I have to give him positives. I try so hard against his negativities.

Its late I have to sleep, I cant keep up this putting forward positives against his never ending negatives.

So I don’t call in the morning, just message telling him to get his ass out of bed and look at the job site I sent last night.

I call his buddy in my lunch break, pass on as much info as I can, he opened up a lot last night to me and there are things she needs to know before this meeting at the doctors on Tuesday. a meeting supposed to help him but he just wants to run from. He thinks he will be attacked again as he felt he was in the last one. (He was told a few home truths that obviously hurt him when he was down)

She says she is concerned, thinks he has had a drink today.

He calls me later, he has.

I’m not surprised or shocked, OK so lets just move forward.

He’s struggling again tonight, he didn’t drink much, he wont drink again tonight, OK I say.

“Can I come home tomorrow” I reply “Of course” “I want to work but there are no jobs” There are jobs but they have to be 16 hours or less otherwise he loses  his benefits and cannot afford to house himself. It seems a messed up system, hes not fit enough for full time work, but if he works over 16hrs he will lose his benefits, he wants to work but how many jobs are there 16 hrs or less?

A message later, he can see spiders, “are they real?”

I message back, I hope not.

In bed I look for possibly jobs, I want to give him hope,

This morning I call, no answer.

I send a message “get out of bed and look for a job”

I work.

Later I see 2 missed calls, 3 messages.

After work I call, yes he has had a drink, he’s stopped now, no he doesn’t want to come round, please help me I can’t stop. drinking.

He puts the phone down on me.

He calls later to apologise, I’m sorry, I will look at those jobs, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry

So we will see what tomorrow brings. breath, just breath