Why oh why am I feeling guilty?
I have had two very short phone calls with Faith over the last few days.
He is sober, how I wish I could feel excited and happy about this. I should do, it’s what I want more than anything in the world isn’t it?
I guess it’s because I know it won’t last and I don’t want to feel the pain of disappointment when he drinks again.
But when I have spoken to him I have been very negative and ended up raising my voice. It’s not what he needs and I don’t know why I’m doing it.
Well I do know why. He is now having to deal with the financial problems caused by his drinking. His benefits have been stopped. He has had no money coming in for 6 weeks now. The reason I sent him money to cover his rent.
The confusion of his alcoholic life means sick notes have not arrived on time and where they should. He has been unable to sort things out because he has been either in hospital or drinking and incapable. He has been told he now has to start again. Put in a new claim. Which asked questions such as can you walk 10 yards unaided? Well that’s a joke, it depends if he is drinking and how much. I know if he completes these forms himself he will not get benefits. He will need to start looking for work or get nothing.
I am totally against people claiming money and not working. I work full time and have worked most of my life. I also would love for Faith to be working. I also know at the moment he is not capable of holding down a job. If he gets a job and gets sacked for drinking or not turning up, which will happen, he will again lose the right to any benefits. He will end up homeless.
I have suggested both days he contacts citizens advice bureau. But he won’t listen. I know there are people there who can help him. Today’s excuse was OK I will do but then I can’t go and sort my housing benefit at the council and I can’t…….. the list goes on. Why can’t you do all those things? I juggle my time every day. I have had a particularly busy stressful day trying to fit too much into too short a time. But I gave it my best!.
But after the call I realise I am being negative, probably controlling, I never thought of myself like that before. I am telling him what to do instead of letting him make his own decisions and mistakes. But I know he needs this help, I know how difficult it is to get the benefits that he does need. I know who picks up the mess when it doesn’t work.
How do I shut up, stop this interfering. Let him just do it his way.
My problem is my fear of him dying.
I know if he doesn’t sort this out it could send him spiralling into a black hole. If he loses his room he will be on the streets without his girlfriend, I know she would go back to her family. I won’t have him back here.
I don’t think he would survive being on the streets and losing her.
So that is why my frustration with him for not just trying my advice, boiled over.
After our conversation I felt stressed and he felt upset, and I realise he is obviously trying to stay sober and my conversation hasn’t helped him.
I did say it was lovely to speak to him sober.
I just know how important it is to get this benefit situation sorted and quickly, not at his “this time next year pace”
So that is why I am feeling guilty. I pray I haven’t pushed him to drink again. I just find it frustrating seeing how naive he is about things but he won’t accept help.
This has been a change, we have not been like this before. Maybe it’s a good thing, he’s being more assertive. If he stays sober , he can work and it won’t be a problem. The trouble is I have no belief in him anymore.
Maybe I do need to get out of his life.