I haven’t written much lately, life has been very emotional after losing both parents so quickly and unexpectantly, even though they were elderly.
But I write this with tears falling, for everything I feel I have lost, and that is not just my parents. Accepting that my beautiful daughter that I love so much is going to make a life for herself on the other side of the world, so the loss of the children, my grandchildren she might have. I know we will have contact, but it won’t be the same.
I think today hurts more because my partners x wife who I get on with fine, is off to London with her two daughters and my step grandughter, who I love to the moon and back and I know loves me too, but, I won’t be included in these special nan, daughter, grandughter events, why would I be? That is their special times.
And Faith, who after his last hospital spell was told if he didn’t stop drinking had 6 months left, is drinking again. And he has fallen and broken ribs.
He has had another good long period sober, 23 days, that’s good for him, where he has confided that he cannot carry on living with his also alcoholic partner, she drinks in front of him when he is trying so hard to stay dry, he wants to get her out of his flat and his life.
But now he is back drinking, and oh how the tables have turned. I’m strong, so everyone tells me, how do you deal with everything and stay so cheerful and smiley. I do, most of the time. But today the Facebook posts of my gorgeous granddaughter and her family enjoying their family time together and the drunken “I’m in so much pain” calls from Faith got to me. Got to me so much that, you know what I did? I did the unthinkable. I told him how much I am hurting.
And of course, all I got was more pain. How dare I have a go at his girlfriend. I didn’t. Didn’t I know how much pain he was in? Yes, I guess I did, but it was caused by his drinking, so I couldn’t be sympathetic. So tonight I feel the loss of my son also, and everything that goes with him, grandchildren that might have been, the family times that might have been, and have to accept this pain that he gives me, and he has no idea.
So I have done something I never do, I have turned my phone off, ignored the landline phone. Tonight I need to tend to my needs. I am still raw with the pain of losing my parents, accepting the loss of my daughter to Australia, tonight I have had enough hurting.
Writing here helps, my partner looks at me, he doesn’t know what to say, there is nothing he can say that will help. Tomorrow I will face the world and be OK. But tonight I just need to accept that I am sore and hurting, and missing everything that could have been.
Oh and the photo was snapped last night from my garden, what a beautiful world……