I know I need to go into rehab….

As usual I don’t know where to start. How to describe this chaos that hard as I try not to, I get sucked into.

Once again I am on holiday cover at work. Another really stressful job,  made worse by the fact my boss “helps” because I’m sure she doesn’t have faith that I can do the job.  It involves allocating to accounts all payments that come in that day, BACS, cheque’s and cash, balancing and banking them. I’m not talking small amounts here either in quantity or entry’s. The lady I am covering has worked doing this job since forever.  It obviously takes me longer as I’m not used to doing it and there is s deadline when you have to get to the bank. Sorry to go into detail about this but just wanted to explain how it is genuinely stressful for me.

So I purposely leave my mobile in my handbag.  Fridays are particularly busy as staff can buy goods that day so the amount of cash being handled goes up. Even though I’m running behind I decide to take a very quick lunch break (salad is difficult to eat at your desk).

I make the mistake of checking my phone,  3 missed calls from Faith. I don’t call him.  Just as I finish my lunch he calls again. So get ready, here we go again……

“mum I’m really worried about Hope, she went out this morning and she’s not answering her phone, she’s been gone ages, she was only popping to the local shop, she was confused, I’m really really worried” All this in the slurred voice of a drunk, repeating himself and not making too much sense.

I tell him there is nothing I can do,  I have to get back to my desk, I suggest he calls the hospital to check she hasn’t been admitted “I have already I think I should call her mum and the police and report her as missing”  Now if you have read my earlier posts you will know this has happened before on two occasions, one being my birthday so I tell him not to call her parents or the police,  she will turn up.

Back to working, it’s full on as I am now under pressure to get this banking finished and balanced. My boss is ‘helpfully’ listing cheques for me, she is backwards and forwards to my desk.  My phone is on my desk and I ignore it’s ringing (it’s on silent but it vibrates)  I should have put it out of sight in my bag.  Hey guess what? The cheques don’t balance so now my boss is standing at my desk going through them with me,  time is ticking.  My phone rings again,  I see she notes it. I ignore it.  I noticed it was From Hopes mother. Cheques now balanced and another rush to get the cash balanced,  I’m winging it now, it doesn’t quite balance but I have no time to check it so finally,  phew, it’s all done and sent to the bank.  I take a deep breath, I still have lots to do but the time pressure is off now.  I call Faith,  he’s still extremely worried. She still hasn’t turned up,  he ignored my advice and called her parents and the police.  He’s still drunk, I tell him it’s not my problem there is nothing I can do, and I get the”oh great, it’s not your problem, thanks a lot” And it is not my problem, I have enough dealing with Faith,  I can’t take on responsibility for Hope aswell, I’m sorry but today they will have to deal with it even though they live a journey away.  I work late,  catching up and trying to prepare to do this job again on Monday.

It’s nearly 6 when I’m finally finished and I look at my phone again. There is an answerphone message from Hopes mum, I listen to it.

I can tell she is crying as she says she is sorry to bother me, Faith called them and said Hope has been missing since last night and her other daughter is picking her up so that they can come and search for her, they don’t know the area, do I have any idea where they should look?

I stop the message, What? Why did Faith tell them that? I know she was there this morning, Oh my god they must be worried sick. I call her realising they are probably already here, wishing I had looked at my phone earlier.

She is still sounding shaken when I speak to her. “Faith lied to us, she hasn’t been missing since last night, and the phone that he was calling was in his pocket all the time, she had been out trying to sort their benefits as they have no money, she is safe.

I try to make sense of it all, I tell her he is drunk and confused, he would not have purposely lied, I work out the confusion with the phone, he gave Hope his old phone,  he has just managed to get water in his phone, so he has gone back to using his old phone. I feel I am making excuses, I feel embarrassed he is my son. Then she tells me, her daughter in panic to get over here has put petrol in her diesel car, it’s been towed away, it will cost them a lot to get if fixed. I end up apologising for not taking her call, it’s OK she says she understands. Oh what total total chaos he has caused this time.

I was going food shopping after work, I can’t face it, I’m just totally exhausted.

When I get home I just collapse on the sofa, I try to find the strength to make this call I know I need to make. He will have been given the riot act by Hope, god only knows how they will deal with this, all fuelled by alcohol.

I call him. He is more sober, very subdued, apologetic, admits to everything, admits it’s all because of alcohol, admits he needs to stop, admits he needs to go to rehab…… woah, rewind, what was that? Admits he needs to go to rehab?

I ask him what he is going to do to start that process, it’s not easy to get into rehab, I know only too well. His answer is I don’t know. I tell him, like I have a hundred times before he needs to go to adactive, where there will be someone who can start guiding him through the process. He can’t go until Tuesday when they have an open door policy.

Do I hate him? Has he lost me, he asks?

I tell him I really am on the point of walking away, he has one chance to show me he is serious about not drinking, if he does not go on Tuesday that is it. I don’t want empty promises I want evidence that he is serious this time…..

Time will tell. My guess is he will be in hospital before Tuesday as he tries to stop drinking himself.

Dare I allow myself to hope this will be the time? Or am I setting myself up for more disappointment?