The never ending circle

karmaIts been a quiet week.

Faith has been staying at his flat and drinking. It appears he has been trying to drink in moderation.

We have spoken every day, and nearly every day he has said I need to come back, can I come back. I always say yes but he hasn’t come back.

He has pretty much spent the week on his own shut in his room just going out for alcohol and a little food. he has told me he has eaten every day.

This afternoon he turned up.

I went up to his room to talk to him.

“I can’t do this anymore mum, I just wish someone would shoot me, I need help” I try to talk to him about AA meetings, try to explain that he needs to be with people who understand and can support him. “I can’t talk in front of people” one of his anxiety problems. But he tells me he has been to a few meetings. He’s just not going to enough, and not sharing, I know. but I cant help, he has to do that.

I feel hopeless, it’s a Saturday at 6pm he’s arrived at my house. So too late to call any doctors to try to get some help. I’ve had a busy weekend so far, tonight I wanted to relax. I realise I am going to have to break my own rules again by giving him small amounts of alcohol, I know if I don’t he’s going to be very ill and I don’t want to have to deal with that tonight.

So here we are again, the never-ending circle.

How I wish I did not have to deal with this.

I wish I could write a witty funny blog, an interesting blog, but this is just a diary of my life, and its not witty or funny, its sad.

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