Time to eat humble pie

Today was the day of his scan.humblepie-e1288647520854

It was good his appointment was for 8am, so an early start, no time for him to get too worked up and panicky.

His buddy picked him up and took him to the hospital.

I knew he was more concerned about this one than he usually is because he didn’t really know why they were doing it. He’s had numerous liver scans before, but this was different.

He messaged me later to say it was his appendix they were checking, call you later.

How ridiculous! He’s been admitted to hospital so many times in the last 6 months I’ve lost count. All due to alcohol but with varying symptoms. Sometimes its a really severe pain in his stomach which we were told was pancryitis (sorry if its spelt wrong) again due to the alcohol. What a waste of a scan I thought, there is nothing wrong with his appendix, the pain is from his pancreas as they have told us. Well I guess at least they would eliminate it.

He called this evening. They checked his appendix because last time he was admitted his appendix had shown signs of being inflamed. Oh, news to me! And it is still showing as being swollen and inflamed from the scan. It is OK to leave, nothing needs doing immediately, but if he suffers the pain again he is to go straight to A & E as it can flare up quickly.

Well, I think I need to eat a bit of humble pie. Unlike me, a doctor has decided to look beyond the obvious alcohol misuse symptoms, I could only see a the body and consequential illnesses of an alcoholic, he took a look at the whole picture, the whole person, something I’ve realised I have stopped doing.

So time to do a little reflecting and re-thinking. I think I have become obsessed with alcohol.

To be fair it has taken over more days than not, but, I must try to think beyond the box? think beyond the drink, otherwise I am letting it take over.

And after all, at the moment he is still sober 🙂 🙂

I would say how many days, but to me that doesn’t matter, I’m sorry for pre-judging and I must learn to listen a little more.

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I must remember “one day at a time”

Well what a peaceful weekend.

I’ve had the time and energy for a few normal things. Its been busy as usual but good busy.

He came round on Saturday because he wanted his hair cut. Now I am not a hairdresser but owning some clippers has saved both my boys some money over the years. It’s good that he wants to tidy himself up. He has always been proud of his appearance and it has broken my heart when I have seen him looking such a mess in the past, this is the son I love showing himself again.

I called him this morning. I’m never sure if I should or not, I don’t want him to think I am checking on him, but I also know he probably wont speak too anyone else he knows today if I don’t.

It’s a lovely day so I suggest he catches the bus and goes for a walk along the coast. We are lucky that we live in a beautiful part of the country.

I get a rather negative response. OK his choice.

An hour later a get a message to say he is on the bus and “Yes it is a beautiful day” 🙂 I am happy he can enjoy it.

I go about my day, my elderly parents need a visit, a friend with a birthday and food needs to be bought.

When I get home he is there, that was a pleasant surprise “I’m waiting for my roast dinner” wonderful words to my ears from a son that sometimes goes weeks without eating. On these good days I am happy to feed him as much as he can eat.

It’s easy too become complacent. Easy too think this is how it will be from now on, I must remember, I must not get too hopeful, if I do I am only setting myself up for disappointment, I must be ready for the fall, I know it will come again.

I must remember “one day at a time” Today he is sober, I am grateful and happy for that.

Surprised, still

He was good this morning, and it was good to see him that way.

I hugged him before I left for work, I think he was surprised. He’s going back too his flat, and after his struggles of yesterday I’m guessing back to the demon. I accept it, after all I know I am powerless over alcohol.

So I was pretty surprised when I phoned him after work and he answered and oh joy of joys he is sober. Wow now that was a surprise!

Not so sure I believe him when he tells me he has been to EDAS, but that’s not something I am going too question, maybe he is right, does it really matter.

He’s sober, I cant ask for anything more. and I simply don’t want anything more.

Something to celebrate?

Gosh, a surprisingly quiet few days.

We did have another fall out. A meeting has been arranged, his hospital doctor, GP, his support workers and me, and his dad has also been invited this time. He is so lucky to be getting this long-awaited support, but, he is still angry, anger from the last meeting, we all attacked him, he was called a liar by his consultant, that was brave! I was brave enough to speak up, talk about the unmentionable. I broke his trust. He puts the phone down on me. I don’t try to call back or message him. I’m hurt, but the best of it was, he was sober.

So now this new meeting, so many people who are prepared to put time into helping him, it’s so sad that he thinks we all just want to hurt him, I guess that’s his lack of self-esteem. I’m worried he wont turn up and will let them down, more so he will let himself down, another reason to hate himself.

I message his buddy, explain the anger he has because I know he wont. She thanks me and will do what she can to smooth things.

So I have a little bit of peace, we have spoken today, the meeting not mentioned. He’s concerned about the upcoming scan, it’s a different one to the normal liver one. He’s concerned they have found something. I say wait and see.

It was a welcome surprise to hear him still sober, I’m proud.

I try not to think about him in his small room, alone as usual, he must be bored, that can’t help the cravings. I had offered to take him to a meeting, he refused, his choice.

So a pretty normal day and evening, hey! that’s something to celebrate. (But not too loudly)

And that’s it for today

I know, I just know

Well I got the phone call this morning, could he come back, he’s having really bad cravings and knows he will drink if he stays in his flat this morning.

Yes of course, as long as there is no drinking in my home, yes he can come home.

I’m getting ready for work but thinking, good, he’s decided he doesn’t want to drink today, that’s good news, now, have I hidden all the Christmas alcohol? I feel like an addict myself at times, I often find bottles hidden away that I had forgotten about. He will be here all day on his own, I can’t leave temptation on view.

I am at work and he calls to say he has arrived and is OK, fine, I will see you later.

When I arrive home he is asleep on his bed, odd? He had called an hour earlier to see what time I will be home, he doesn’t want to be sat on his own downstairs if my partner arrives home first (there is no love lost there).

I am suspicious straight away, he seems a bit slow and not with it when I wake him, mmmmm.

I prepare dinner and while its cooking he announces he is going up the shop for cigarettes. I wonder.

He seems to arrive back far to soon to have walked to the shop and his eyes can’t meet mine. I tell him it can’t possibly have walked to the shop and back in that time, he replies irritably that of course he can. And I know, I just know.

I let it go as my other son is in the room, but after dinner when we are on our own I tackle him, tell him I know he has had a drink, he denies all, how could he. he has nothing to drink, this is why he doesn’t want to be here (funny I was sure he asked if he could come here this morning) because I question him all the time, accuse him, well he might as well go then, I don’t answer, the door is open if he wants to walk out, he is not a prisoner here, just a prisoner of his alcoholism. I don’t shout, stay calm, I know it’s the disease making him say these things.

He doesn’t walk just goes up to his bedroom.

An hour later he comes down, “I’m going for a fag” but he goes out the front of the house, not the back, I know he is going to find the bottle hidden in a hedge somewhere.

A while later he returns, again I question, he’s been on his phone that’s why he was gone so long, and again his eyes can’t meet mine and I know, just know and the lies continue.

This time he stays in the room for a while, then he says “What do you want me to talk about?” nothing, I have no need to talk, I know, but have no proof, he asks again “I know you want to talk too me about something?” And I know, he wants to argue with me, so he can go to that poison that is calling him. But I don’t react like he wants me too, “It’s a long walk home” Yes it is I answer.

And he goes upstairs for the night, and I know tonight he is safe, just tonight.

In this battle that is the best I can ask for.

Accusations

Today I don’t know where I am, a bit numb I think.

We have had a fall out. Things that have obviously been bothering him were for some reason all brought to the surface, Probably because he is sober and experiencing feelings and thoughts that are usually numb by the alcohol.

I have been accused. I am the one person he thought he could trust and I have let him down.

At a hospital meeting concern was raised about the ulterior intentions of a drinking mate. Something that I had been extremely worried about but thought I could do nothing about as he was an adult. Now I have people of authority voicing my thoughts. He is classed as a vulnerable adult. My son refused to accept there was anything wrong, I could not sit there silent, I knew it would cause waves but I knew it needed to be said.

It caused more than waves, it caused a storm. He felt everyone was attacking him, but he didn’t walk out and at the end off the meeting he had agreed to have no contact with his this so-called mate, a big relief for me but I knew he was upset about it.

So this is what was thrown at me with such anger. It was late on a Saturday night, I was tired and upset and responded to quickly and angrily. How could he say all this to me when all I was doing was what I thought was right?

And so, what is his response? Yes good old faithful drink, well he had every reason to drink didn’t he?

Now tonight as I said I don’t know what I’m feeling. He wants to come back where he is safe again, but when he is ready, and he’s not ready to put the bottle down just yet I guess.

Am I supposed to just be patient and wait? What about me? I am still feeling upset by the attack on me.

Do I want him back? Not really, I wish I didn’t have too.

I’m tired of dealing with all the range of emotions I feel in a day,

But I know I will let him back, I can’t refuse when he asks for help.

The peace after the storm

I forget when I’m going through the chaos how peaceful and normal life is when all is OK.

4 days sober and life is settling again. I really love this son of mine, I wish he didn’t; have this daily struggle, he is such a gentle soul. He saw his grandparents today, I wish they didn’t have to hear about his struggles and bad times, but, they have learnt like I have to be grateful for the good times we share and today was a good day, he only saw them briefly but I was glad they could see him Ok

I’m hopeful that we will get another week at least, no Xmas and New year to get through, his support worker should be back on board also, so lots of support. There are so many opportunities he could take, what he really needs is a good few weeks sober.

I hope he can do it. I’m a little worried as he has a scan booked. So far his damaged liver has been fighting back. I know there will be a point when it is too late. I hope he finds his sobriety before he reaches that point.

Time for me for a while I hope.

Calm

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What a calm day, He’s sober, suffering I know and locked in his room but the sickness has eased and he has managed to eat.

Tomorrow I will encourage, suggest he goes to an AA meeting, he of course will make the decision whether to go or not.

But for tonight I am enjoying the peace. Funny how for him tonight will be the opposite, but I hope he finds some calm and some peace.

Another day

Today started pretty much the same as yesterday, another odd message “Caught the bus, ended up in ……. (our local town)

Now this was at 7 in the morning, I’m puzzled, Where did he think he was going at that time? (He hasn’t worked for about 3 years due to his drinking), and why has he ended up somewhere he obviously didn’t mean to be?

When I eventually get through to him he tells me he was coming to my house but got on the bus the wrong side of the road.

He had told me he was confused the night before but I just assumed it was the drink, now I’m concerned it could be more, something that has happened in the past and a worrying step if its true. He tells me he will catch the bus back and go straight to my house. I’m leaving for work so say OK let me know when you get there.

My phone is surprisingly quiet, work is busy so I don’t have much time to think. Lunchtime I think mmm he hasn’t sent a message to say he’s arrived but as it’s just a quick break the thought goes and it’s not until later that I start to wonder, I message, no reply, I call, no reply. I work.

Later he calls, he made it to my village but felt to ill to walk to the house so went straight to a friends (a friend in his eyes, an old predatory man who is also an alcoholic in mine). My heart sinks.

I drive straight home, I don’t call, he has made his choice again.

About 9 he calls, he is sober, Could he come home?  He’s to weak to walk can I pick him up, I hear him asking in the background can he stay at this mans house. This is where I struggle, I am in my pj’s warm, its cold out, why should I get up and go out in the cold to pick him up? He made his choice earlier. But my head is telling me if he stays at this mans house he will without doubt drink, he’s asking to come here where he knows he will not drink. Do I have a choice? Of course I do but I know if I don’t go I will suffer the consequences. If he is asking to come home and get sober again I hopefully will have 2 weeks of calm. My partner rolls his eyes as I put on my coat.

So he’s back, pitifully thin, he’s not eaten for 5 days. But he is in his room drinking water, the sickness he has suffered the last 3 days seems to have subsided. At least I will sleep without worry tonight, I know he probably wont sleep suffering withdrawal, but then he knew this would follow when he took that drink a week ago, I don’t have sympathy.

I wonder if his support will reappear tomorrow, what a shame they haven’t been around for the last week when I needed their support also.

Lets see what tomorrow brings.