It’s not been a good day or evening.
I’ve talked through panic attacks, how we can find a way of getting him into rehab, told him that no he doesn’t need to end his life, there is something for him after this. I’ve talked and talked and I am feeling exhausted by it.
My good good friend sent me a message while I was at work today, and it broke me, and I don’t break.
I have lost my mojo apparently, and I need to do something about it, it was a lovely caring message, and because I know she is right and its so hard when people are nice to you, I cried, and I don’t cry, well rarely, and never at work.
It’s funny how you go along thinking you are coping, then someone says something and you realise your not really coping just surviving and life isn’t fun doing that. In fact I’ve realised there is very little fun in my life at the moment, my alcoholic has taken that away.
Thank you dear friend, you’ve given me the jolt I needed, I have to try to step back a little again, I am going to try hard.
But I don’t know if I can, I need to seek the help and support of others going through this, I just wish there was as much support out there for us on the other side, there is a meeting every day you can go to if you are an alcoholic, for me I have a choice of 2 on the same evening and 1 is a 35 minute drive away.
To finish me off tonight I have had a policeman at my door. I saw him before I heard him and I was frozen, I knew my other son was driving a long distance today, please no. But it was OK just a check on an abandoned car, Ok my life can stop spinning, steady.
Its been a tough 3 months really, my beloved daughter has gone off on her travels again, Australia for possibly 2 years, oh how I miss her laughter and bossiness over her brothers. She is more a friend now than a daughter. My partner has had a major op with a long recuperation period. I feel like I care for everyone, how I wish I could be pampered for a bit, I long for some time off from work, just to breath, catch up, read a book, lay on the sofa and watch a film.
Well that’s enough of me feeling sorry for myself! didn’t last long, come on girl, pick yourself up, dust yourself down. You have so much to feel lucky about, (OK it’s taking me a while to think about that one)
At least its the week-end so 2 days off from work, I will be OK.
And just a note on my son, he is in his flat feeling very sorry for himself, apparently not drinking now but suffering major panic attacks and depression. Tonight I can’t dwell too long on him, tonight I need to recharge, tonight he is just going to have to deal with this himself.
Tomorrow I will be stronger.