I know, I just know

Well I got the phone call this morning, could he come back, he’s having really bad cravings and knows he will drink if he stays in his flat this morning.

Yes of course, as long as there is no drinking in my home, yes he can come home.

I’m getting ready for work but thinking, good, he’s decided he doesn’t want to drink today, that’s good news, now, have I hidden all the Christmas alcohol? I feel like an addict myself at times, I often find bottles hidden away that I had forgotten about. He will be here all day on his own, I can’t leave temptation on view.

I am at work and he calls to say he has arrived and is OK, fine, I will see you later.

When I arrive home he is asleep on his bed, odd? He had called an hour earlier to see what time I will be home, he doesn’t want to be sat on his own downstairs if my partner arrives home first (there is no love lost there).

I am suspicious straight away, he seems a bit slow and not with it when I wake him, mmmmm.

I prepare dinner and while its cooking he announces he is going up the shop for cigarettes. I wonder.

He seems to arrive back far to soon to have walked to the shop and his eyes can’t meet mine. I tell him it can’t possibly have walked to the shop and back in that time, he replies irritably that of course he can. And I know, I just know.

I let it go as my other son is in the room, but after dinner when we are on our own I tackle him, tell him I know he has had a drink, he denies all, how could he. he has nothing to drink, this is why he doesn’t want to be here (funny I was sure he asked if he could come here this morning) because I question him all the time, accuse him, well he might as well go then, I don’t answer, the door is open if he wants to walk out, he is not a prisoner here, just a prisoner of his alcoholism. I don’t shout, stay calm, I know it’s the disease making him say these things.

He doesn’t walk just goes up to his bedroom.

An hour later he comes down, “I’m going for a fag” but he goes out the front of the house, not the back, I know he is going to find the bottle hidden in a hedge somewhere.

A while later he returns, again I question, he’s been on his phone that’s why he was gone so long, and again his eyes can’t meet mine and I know, just know and the lies continue.

This time he stays in the room for a while, then he says “What do you want me to talk about?” nothing, I have no need to talk, I know, but have no proof, he asks again “I know you want to talk too me about something?” And I know, he wants to argue with me, so he can go to that poison that is calling him. But I don’t react like he wants me too, “It’s a long walk home” Yes it is I answer.

And he goes upstairs for the night, and I know tonight he is safe, just tonight.

In this battle that is the best I can ask for.

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